Monday, April 03, 2006

House of Representatives' Aide Finds Matt 25 "Invaluable" In Identifying Criminals

A key aide working in the House of Representatives leadership, speaking on the basis of anonymity, stated today that he has found the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 25:35-36, invaluable as a "source of Christian actions to criminalize." (See future criminals, Habitat for Hmanity volunteers, at left.)

The aide made his comments as the Senate debates immigration reform, spurred by the recent passage of H.R. 4437, The Border Protection, Anti-Terrorism, and Illegal Immigration Protection Act of 2005, which criminalizes immigrants found without papers as well as any person or organization that offers comfort or healthcare to an illegal immigrant in the United States.

The aide said "It was quite a moment. One of those crank picketers outside the rotunda had a sign that said 'Welcome the stranger--Matt 25' and I decided to take a look at it. What a bonanza of subversive actions! Listen to this stuff: 'For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.' It's like we were given an agenda in our effort to rid America of troublemakers, ready-made. Brilliant."

When pressed for details, the aide said, "Since this week the Congress is trying to do in welcoming the stranger, I think our next move should be criminalizing homeless shelters. Takes care of two issues in one swoop, providing water and food to the hungry and thirsty. Very efficient. Next, we make volunteering at Goodwill Industries and the Salvation Army--you know, those cheap clothing centers--a crime."

And the purpose of targeting Goodwill and the Salvation Army? asked this reporter.

"Well, we know those volunteers are connected to seedy activities, like praying and almsgiving. It will cut down on the riff raff. Next we go after candy-stripers in hospitals, and we save the last for best...anyone going to visit those in prison, we just lock them in! Those bleeding heart volunteers won't know what hit them."

When pointed to the recent U.S. Bishops' statement condemning H.R. 4437, and asked whether the proposed agenda misses the heart of the gospel, doing works of mercy to all people as if they were Christ, the aide said, "Look, I don't deal with context. People need to earn their mercy in America. Or at least earn minimum wage. God understands how we work."

Workers at the USCCB office responded to the aide's comments with silent fits of wailing, gnashing of teeth, head-banging, and despair. Officially, they are on record with "No comment, other than...this is a Lent for the record books."


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