Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Attendees at Flannery O'Connor Conference Meet Dire End

Fifty literary critics and fans of the famous Southern and Roman Catholic writer Flannery O'Connor met a gruesome end at their annual conference celebrating her work in Atlanta, Georgia.

While the antendees ate fruit and omelets at a closing champagne brunch celebrating her life, a lame waiter placed a basket of bread on the head table and interrupted the speaker by pulling out a Gideon Bible and reading loudly from the psalms. As people began to fidget and a man rose to pull him aside, the servant shouted "The lame shall enter first! The violent shall bear it away! Judgment day!" and tossed a nearby orange into a lit chandelier, which then crashed to the ground and ignited a quick-spreading fire. As people rushed away from the fire and toward the exit as one, he chanted repeatedly "everything that rises must converge" as the stampede crushed many underfoot.

Hotel management was called to the scene immediately. As they hissed "We don't believe no Jesus freaks," surrounding the waiter with guns, he began tearing out the pages of the Bible with his mouth, and eating them. Interpreting this as a threatening gesture, the management shot the waiter dead. As he bled on the carpet, an ugly homeless woman wandered in the room and said "Wise blood." Then she ate the fallen orange and dropped dead.

--I.C.

3 comments:

The Ironic Catholic said...

Um, just so you know, you may have to be familiar with O'Connor's work to get this one. So you can spare the "You've turned vicious" comments, 'K? Just imitating our Flannery....

CMinor said...

What, no good men who are hard to find?
That creepy-looking photo of Flannery really adds to the atmosphere of the piece, though. Good choice.

gpopcak@exceptionalmarriages.com said...

...Just then, a peacock arrived on the scene and plucked the eyes out of the homeless woman.