Monday, May 08, 2006

Australian Miners Saved from Death, Satan Ticked Off

After two miners were unexpectedly rescued after being trapped 3,000 feet under the earth's surface, the voice of evil left message that he was annoyed.

"Not about their puny lives; that's small potatoes to me," said a being who signed himself "Screwtape of Satan's Lowerarchy" in a Fed Ex post left at our offices. "But the whole context of it was ridiculous. A nation praying. People riveted to the TV hoping for positive news. Postponing funerals in hope that some doomed men could attend. People working day and night to comfort family members, and others to preserve two miserable lives. It's like a group of people recognizing that a human life is worth something. Where do they get those idiot ideas?"

"And one more thing," Mr. "Screwtape" continued. "All that crying at the end, when the miners broke through to the air and punched it in 'victory.' I utterly despise it when people use their emotions to revel in something their God calls 'good.' It's really too much. If someone felt duty-bound to rescue some people from immanent death, they needn't be showy about it. Just spit in the dust when you're done and go home already. I don't get that... whatever they call it... joy. You people should pay attention to me! I can make you cry, people! I deserve your 24-7 attention! Because"

At this point, the text ended, and the paper was burnt to a crisp. An exorcist was calmly called in and the office went back to viewing the rescued miners story, singing the Doxology with an Aussie accent.

--I.C. (with apologies to C. S. Lewis)

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