Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Ironic Catholic Haiku Contest Announced

Hear ye, hear ye: The Ironic Catholic announces today a new challenge for those seeking to embrace humor as their second greatest strength: Ironic Catholic Haiku.

Years ago, when I first read the Salon contest results--create a haiku encapsulating an error message on a PC--I knew the power of haiku and laughing. My favorite:

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

-- Peter Rothman

Anyone who can make me smile at the blue screen of death clearly knew the power of humor. This is the kind of gentle humor we need on the net today.

For those of you who have forgotten the subtle joys of 7th grade English class, a haiku is basically a short poem in 5-7-5. The numbers stand for metrical feet or syllables. Really, read a few and you'll get it. No, it doesn't have to rhyme. Entries will be accepted until Friday, June 12th, 11:59pm CDT. They will be judged by moi, I.C., with all the attention to detail and seriousness you expect from this page. Winners will get the everlasting satisfaction of seeing their poems on this website and a middlin' cool button for you and the finalists.

Just remember--Something to do with Catholic Christianity--Humor--'5-7-5'--no attacking people--and keep it clean (of course!). If the Beat generation could do it, we clean-living-God-fearing folk can too. Um, avoid the drugs. You can submit entries, as many as your want, via this comments box or my email at ironiccatholic at yahoo dot com. Please include your email address.

Samples below (And I hope yours are better!). Have fun and good luck.--I.C.
(And more Haiku here.)

Christology is
Subtle, elegant, and terse
Heresy? verse

I'm very hungry
Will the Eucharist end soon?
Alas, it's Prayer Four

I pray in the night
Like a Trappist, chanting nones
Till mate jabs my ribs


Ron Rolling said...

Odd on favorite to win--The Holy Fool.

It's a staple of his 'blog.

The Ironic Catholic said...

Oh no! I'm imitating? I didn't know!

Well, we can have fun with it anyway. :) That's the point.

fjl said...

A funny and gentle blog, made me laugh three times- on one page!! Well done. x

The Ironic Catholic said...

Why thank you! Sometimes the gentle tone is hard to strike. Well, the humorous tone is tricky too! I appreciate the positive feedback!

Tim Ferguson said...


Fifteen full decades.
Oops, forgot the Luminous.
Back to the kneelers.

Smudges on foreheads
Egg McMuffin, no ham please.
It must be Ash Wednesday.

Thousands in hot sun;
Short nuns with sharpened elbows;
Papal audience.

Keep losing temper,
Which saint am I to pray to:
Anthony or Jude?

Anonymous said...

Post-Conciliary Catholic Book Title:
"Catholicism or Relativism? YOU decide!"

Michael Janocik
Louisville, KY

The Ironic Catholic said...

Folks, if you want to be in the running, leave an email on the comments. Or just email the haiku to me, I won't release your email online.

Funny! Thanks!

John E said...

Stand, sit, kneel, sit, stand.
What are all these motions for?
Catholic aerobics.

St. Jimbob of the Apokalypse said...

Renovation is
hiding the Tabernacle
from true believers

Andy said...

Cell Phone Rings At Mass
Too Ashamed to Answer It
We All Know It's You

Toupee on Your Head
Looking Like a Dead Rodent
Um, "Piece" be with you?

Andy said...

Bead Clicking Fury
Indy 500 Rosary
Prayers Answered Faster?

Eat Meat on Friday
No Other Pennance Apply?
Hmm. Protestant Dog.

You need an email
Does it have to be haiku?
way too many feet

Tim said...

Think on these Last Things
Death, Judgement, Heaven and Heck
So taught my mother


The Ironic Catholic said...

:) Emails don't have to be in haiku!

Christina Martin said...

Face to face, or screen?
Anonymity is nice,
But forget email.

Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Oddly enough, I once posted haikus on my blog.


Trapped in Brooklyn said...

Haugen Joncas Haas
When I think of their music
I always pass gas

rhonda lugari said...

No doubt Ron, the first person I thought of was Holy Fool, too. He's good. I think I'm gonna go to his archives and do some plagiarizing. (Just kidding.)


Cliff said...

Hahn about Romans:
Obedience of faith, not
Faith alone, Luther!

Rick Lugari said...

Fire and brimstone
Damnation for eternity
The price for kneeling in the OC

Jennifer said...

explosive sneezes
just before the sign of peace
force a left hand shake

how many of you
slowly sink your butt to pew
when knees cry uncle?

what would David do
if he had to write haiku
to replace the Psalms?

laurathecrazymama said...

"stand, sit, heel, kneel, stay"
In our family we tease
What we do at church

T.O. said...

He coughs, hacks, sneezes…
All wonder what that guy’s got
He’s “Peace-sign reject.”

Ashes are ancient
So why do non-Catholics say
There’s dirt on your face?

So scared in the box
Why do I always forget
Act of Contrition?

Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Haikus For The Pope

Smaller, purer Church
Playtime is over, kiddies
Der Panzer Pontiff

Haikus For Cardinal Mahoney

The Smoke of Satan
Destroy The Church from within

Ugly cathedral
L.A. wolf in sheeps clothing

Haikus For Teddy Kennedy

Lose "R" from chowdah
Has more ass than a mule farm
Subpoener finds "R"

Fat drunk damn Yankee
Vote, after vote, after vote
He hates Alito

T.O. said...

Thought of another...

Tuneless choir squawking
Covering our ears we cry
T’is hell, not heaven.

Lee Strong said...

Here's a few from my archives -

priest’s first homily –
parishioners now have taste
of Purgatory

Endless heat wave –
on days like this even
atheists pray

St. Patrick Father
preaching about the missions
seeks gold for his pot

young cantor
stands on stool to reach the mic
to reach the notes

Jesus called a thief
to be among his chosen-
there is hope

I'll forgive seven
times seventy-seven times -
just don't you forget

St. Rose of Lima’s
recipe for vanity –
add some pepper

reading the Gospel
the old priest loses his place –
Mass for vocations

Lee Strong said...

One I forgot -

air conditioner
breaks during August Mass -

Scott W Fischer said...

daily rosary
something powerful and yet
most just don't get it

Tim said...

Our chief weapon is
Fanatical devotion
To the Eucharist


Bob said...

He's trying incense
Large pest problem near altar
Call Orkin instead

A girly st. John
Stained glass window showed.
Damn Da Vinci Code.

Offeratory Prayers
Watch Transubstantiation
The bread disappears

Brian Michael Page said...

Here's some of my own:

Trautman can't endure
an "authentic liturgy",
Mahony neither.

LA Cathedral:
In my eyes it passes for
Subsidized housing.

Hootenanny Mass:
I will walk out of this church
if I see guitars.


Brian Michael Page said...

now - here's some Latin:

Ite, Missa Est
(That's the "hymn of sending forth")
Deo gracias!

Wait, that's only two-thirds Latin. Let's try this again.

What are the hymns we sing? Not necessarily in order now...
et Cantus Introitus,
et Communio.

Inspired by this Sunday's Introit Verse (not the antiphon):
in universa terra
nomen tuum est!
(Admirable in all the earth is your name!)


Lee Strong said...

two more -

summer resort Mass –
lector loses his place thanks
to front-pew cleavage

liberal bishop –
in his see the orthodox
are the heretics

4HisChurch said...

modern catholic "hymns"
centuries of great music
quietly dying

Fr Tim Finigan said...
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Fr Tim Finigan said...
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Jack Bennett said...

Liturgical dance
Making brain ready to blow
Stop insanity!

Fr Tim Finigan said...

Baby's loud crying
The priest ignores it but smiles
The smile looks quite false

Polyester horse-blankets
All the clergy match

Baptisms, weddings
Father can bring much joy but
Must get the names right

Mac McLernon said...

Old Rite Solemn Mass
Three gentlemen with much smoke
buckled shoes are seen!

bob said...

Erstwhile Catholic
A Priest walks into a bar
Methodist humor.

Brian Michael Page said...

One final haiku - a pretty cool plug for the CV blog if you ask me, but...

Christus Vincit team,
Brian, Nick, and Jason, three
wild and snarky guys!