Death Valley, CA: Local residents, tired after a month of record-breaking high temperatures, announced that they were relocating for more temperate climes immediately.
"I had been reading Dante's Inferno--about the innermost part of hell being ice--and after getting heat exhaustion from walking to the mailbox this afternoon, I decided the we would move. So we're going to 'go to hell'," blustered Glen McCaron, 78. "Feels like we've been in hell for weeks, with these 130 degree temperatures. Ice would be a nice change of pace."
His wife, Brenda, 82, agreed. "Ever since Arnold Schwartzenegger won the governor's race, I told Glen that hell must have frozen over. He wasn't sure, but this month put him over the edge, and Dante cinched it. They have ice cold AC, so we're going. It's worth a chance."
When asked why not move to someplace cooler but not under the reign of the Prince of Darkness, such as, say, Minnesota, McCaron answered, "Well, I wouldn't be so sure about the Prince of Darkness and Minnesota. You never know. But in any case, hell is a closer commute. Our pastor keeps telling us California is halfway gone to hell all the time."
The pastor, a Fr. David Sanchez of Holy Family Parish, was in an ice pool and not available for comment.