Left: The USDA Food Pyramid. The man running to the top is sacrificing his life and body for others to eat, according to the Hemlock Society.
New York, NY: The Hemlock Society, in an effort to make assisted suicide more logical and beneficial for all involved, is suggesting that the people euthanized be eaten for the nutritional benefits.
"We believe that human life should end in dignity, so in order to share that dignity with others, we think that a high-nutrient human food is an idea whose time has come. You honor the dead by destroying them, harvesting their essential nutrients, and strengthening your own body," explained Sherman Lockwood, a member of the society.
Using the USDA Food Pyramid, Lockwood explained how eating different parts of euthanized people could extend other person's quality of life. "You want to be careful not to overindulge in protein. Make human flesh part of a balanced diet. Salad would be a good side dish, for example; vitamins and fiber in one sitting."
There was, however, a dark side to this announcement: "We just want to caution people: if you plan to do this, you must kill the other person with a drug that would not be received as poison by the cannibal. Otherwise, your own death with dignity may be coming a bit sooner than you plan."
Although the Catholic Church has expressed outrage at this concept, Lockwood responds: "I don't see what the fuss is about. This idea is quite noble: people sacrificing life for the greater good. And if people can't see that their lives are useless and without worth, we'll take care of them, I mean, that. After all, the American public has already determined that we should be allowed to create and destroy human life for the good of finding cures to disabling and fatal diseases. This simply takes the concept to the next level. Or really, the same level, but a little later in the game."
When asked what was next on the Hemlock Society's agenda, Lockwood said, "We're thinking about how to teach our message of dignity through usefulness to those in famine-infested areas. Instead of dying slow and painful deaths due to malnutrition, we'd like to offer them the option to shoot them up. More dignified death for them, fewer drains on resources, and therefore more nutrients for us and the others affected by famine: problem solved."
When asked whether it wouldn't be a better use of time and energy to go to famine-infested areas and share food and water, Lockwood responded he wouldn't entertain ridiculous questions, and closed the interview.
Hat tipping the idea from a offhand remark from Drew at The Shrine of the Holy Whapping...and Jonathan Swift.
And... the real, scary unironic article that inspired this.