Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Trailer Found For Blockbuster Sequel: Snakes On An Altar

Middle America, USA: A trailer script was found on the floor of the Ironic Catholic's office. We pass on an exclusive first look at the sequel to Snakes on a Plane... Snakes on an Altar.


Opening: Black screen, "The King of Glory" music on recorder in the background.

Voiceover: This week...

(camera pans: altar. sacristy. baptismal font.)

Summer really heats up...

(camera pans: kneeler. Mary statue. Pulpit, a snake slithers out of a lectionary)

Screaming lector: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Visuals: Snakes pouring out of a sacristry closet. Snakes slithering in the baptismal font. A snake sticking its tongue out at the face of the Mary statue. A vested priest smashing a snake with the General Instruction for the Roman Missal. Altar servers trying to smoke out the snakes with the censor. A Franciscan brother trying to nonviolently shoo Brother Snake out the front door and into the forest. Little old lady trying to choke a snake with a rosary between mysteries.)
with people screaming in background:
--Where's that St. Patrick when we need him?
--What did Mark 16 say about snakes? Quick! Someone find a Bible already!
--Can we exorcise snakes? What's the canon law here?
--Hey Eve! Just try talking to them, will ya?!
--If we usher them into the CCD classrooms, they may just fall asleep!
--...but Father, I'm pretty sure the liturgical norms say we're supposed to finish the Mass anyway!

Silence, black screen.

Voiceover: Behold... the Church Militant.
(Visual: A priest, a sister, a youth minister, and a little girl in a first communion dress staring down at the camera, standing in a semi-circle with "don't mess with me" body language)

Voiceover: Rooting out evil begins August 29th. Remember, snakes like popcorn.



Ray from MN said...

I think the I.C. is about ready to go back to the reality of school. Her imagination has been working overtime. [GR]

The Ironic Catholic said...

Just wait Ray...there is one comiing your way....

Cathy_of_Alex said...

IC: If you are taking suggestions from the "test audience", I would like to see them smash the snakes with the Gather hymnal rather then the GIRM.

Dad29 said...


There's a TUNE for that, originally composed for "Smoke on the Water..."

The Ironic Catholic said...

I chose the GIRM because it is "Big Whopping Orthodoxy," crushing those evil snakes. Do you really want Gather to be an ultimate instrument of good? Think about it.

;-) I like some of Gather, but I...gather...many of you readers do not.

Cathy_of_Alex said...

IC: I concede the point.