Thursday, August 17, 2006

Transcript of The Iron Theologian (series opener, part 2)

Last time.

Dresdon Black: Welcome back, viewers! The clock has just expired and our iron theologians are dishing up their presentations on the doctrine of Christology to our esteemed panel of mystery judges. Romano, how did they do?

Romano Rown: Dresdon, what an interesting hour it has been! de Lubac is walking up with a stir fry dish, Rahner with a wrap sandwich, von Balthasar a dessert of some sort, Gutierrez has something in a take out box, and St. Therese a tomato. After a short prayer of thanksgiving, the dishes will be placed before the judges and they will comment on the dishes as they partake. The iron theologians may respond as they wish.

The camera cuts to the judges cutting into the food.

A: Fr. de Lubac, could you tell me why this stir fry interprets your Christology?
de Lubac: Oui, I started with the origins of the tradition in the early councils and the Holy Fathers of the Pastritic period. This is where Christology developed, but there are all kinds of competing yet complimentary interpretations within the Councils of Nicaea and Chalcedon. So I present the richness and variety of Pastristic thought as organic stir fried vegetables and beef... on a bed of cracked boiled wheat, my nod to the Eucharist.

B: It's very tasty, but I think I prefer the wrap sandwich. Fr. Rahner, what is in this, exactly?
Rahner: Ja, it is composed with three elements: smoked chicken, arugula, and secret sauce on flatbread. The smoked chicken represents Thomism as aged by the centuries until the early 1900s. The arugula is the pepperly incisiveness of my teacher, Martin Heidegger. I more or less smashed them together with the manna, I mean flatbread, and the sauce.
B: But what is in the sauce?
Rahner: Only those who has read and understood Spirit In The World know.

C: So, that would be no one,right? (hee hee) But I'm really enjoying the dessert! It's some kind of mousse, right?
von Balthasar: Right, a double dark chocolate raspberry mousse with whipped cream.
C: I'd think Christology would be represented by something more ... substantial.
von Balthasar: I prefer to think that the richness of this dish perfectly ascribes to the excess of Glory that we are born to receive. Dessert is always grace, and what doctrine better articulates grace than God in Jesu Christo?

A: Um, Fr. Gutierrez? There is only a dry crumb of bread in here.
Gutierrez: Yes.
A: Did you not wish to present a dish?
Gutierrez: I wanted to remind you, while you are gorging on multiple dishes, that the majority of the world does not get enough to eat every day.
A: (uncomfortably) That's bleak, although true.
Gutierrez: But recall that Christ worked wonders through the smallest things: the loaves and the fishes! Let him transform this crumb into a banquet of justice. He is our hope, and we must work to make our actions in accordance with his grace-filled message.

B: And St. Therese...a tomato?
St. Therese: The little way brought me to picking it for you, washing it for you, and praying that its sweetness may transform your heart to good and your body to health. I didn't think it needed any more dressing than that.

DB: Judges, it is time to make your decision. Whose theologia will reign as apologia?
(The judges consult with worried faces, and finally nod)
DB: I have the envelope, and the winner is... (opening, reads)
...wait, you can't do this.

Judges: Of course we can. (The dimmed lights brighten..revealing that the judges are John XXIII, Paul VI, and a young 20-something actress). St. Therese wins for an appetizer, Rahner for a side dish, de Lubac for a dinner meal, von Balthasar for dessert, and Gutierrez for a dish which cleanses the palate. We need them all.

DB: Holy Fathers! We are honored...but... young lady, who are you?
Actress: I think I wandered into the wrong studio, actually. But after eating this, I'm definitely going to Mass this Sunday! (audience cheers, the iron theologians high five)

DB: And we'll see you next time on...The Iron Theologian! (cue "Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee")



Ray from MN said...

As someone who has not read any of those theologians, I didn't think I would appreciate this "show."

But you carried it off, I.C. Great finish!

Cathy_of_Alex said...

This post is absolute dead-on funny.

Who's next? How about the feminist theologian cook-off featuring: Reuther, Reinke-Heinemann, Fiorenza and Hayes? Oh wait, they don't cook.

I thought I was twisted.