Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Possible Changes In The Catechism Uncovered

I.C. is off today and possibly tomorrow, so her partner in crime, a certain "Jovial Catholic", reported in today. Note the senses of humor are a tad different (his is likely much better!). Equally devoted to the Church though. OK? Enjoy.

Looks like Joan Alien, crack Vatican reporter for the Nifty Catholic Reporter, has another scoop on her hands. Unfortunately, NCR declined to print Joan’s story, fearing reprisals from the lunch ladies in the Vatican cafeteria. The Ironic Catholic harbors no such fears, however, and is therefore pleased to present Joan’s report in its entirety:

Vatican City (NCR) – A small group of American bishops is meeting informally to draft a proposal for a U.S. supplement to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. So far, the prelates have prepared some 155 paragraphs to be added to the Catechism for the purpose of clarifying certain moral and doctrinal issues.

One of the bishops participating in the project said it’s “hush hush” for the moment. “If we go public with this now, everybody would want to get their two cents in,” he said. “We’d be at ten volumes in a heartbeat. Why, just the other day one of the lunch ladies in the Vatican cafeteria was suggesting that we clarify Catholic doctrine on angels. She had this whole spiel about the theology of angels being underdeveloped. She gave us a ten-page paper she’d written on it. We just don’t want to open up that can of worms.”

The source did say that the committee was inspired by pastoral concerns: “American culture poses a variety of grave challenges to Catholics today, leaving many of them confused and uncertain,” he said. “Why, just yesterday I was celebrating Mass for a group of Americans at the Basilica of St. Mary. They spent the entire time just staring at me with dazed and confused expressions. Later I learned they were a Mormon tour group that got really lost, but my overall point still stands. American Catholics are like sheep without a shepherd. C.f. Matthew 9:36, you know. And wherever we see sheep without a shepherd, well, that’s where we’ll be. We’re on the case. We’re there. Got our turbo-charged shepherd staffs and everything. Hey, what does ‘c.f.’ stand for, anyway?”

NCR managed to obtain several pages of the draft proposal that were left under an unfinished peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the Vatican cafeteria after one of the committee’s informal “chat ‘n’ chew” meetings. Although most of the pages were partially obscured by what appeared to be blue Kool-Aid, the following suggested supplements to the Catechism remained legible:

On private revelation:
67 Throughout the ages, there have been so-called "private" revelations, some of which have been recognized by the authority of the Church. They do not belong, however, to the deposit of faith. . . .
67.1 This is the case with the Gospel of Oprah. Although Oprah is a likeable, well-intentioned woman with a sizeable market share, it is not her role to improve or complete Christ's definitive Revelation, even if she does sometimes give away the odd new car or two. The so-called “Gospel of Oprah,” therefore, is extracanonical. Ditto Rick Warren, Rush Limbaugh, et al.

On family life:
2206 The relationships within the family bring an affinity of feelings, affections and interests, arising above all from the members' respect for one another. . . .
2206.1 Therefore, when the baby cries in the middle of the night, spouses should not be like Eli, pretending to be asleep in order to avoid responding to the call; rather, let each spouse be like Samuel, eagerly arising to answer the call - even three times in a row (c.f. 1 Samuel 3:1-10).
2206.2 And when one or another in the family sees a full laundry basket lying at the side of the hallway, let him not pass by on the other side, pretending to ignore it. Rather, like the Good Samaritan (c.f. Luke 10:30-37), let him pick up the laundry and tend to it mercifully, even if doing so means bringing it to a Laundromat and depositing some silver coins there for its care.
2206.3 “Sorry honey, I’m busy sitting at the feet of the Lord” (c.f. Luke 10:39) is not a valid excuse for not helping with the dishes, especially when you’re watching NFL football at the moment.

On the sanctity of life:
2262.1 “You shall not kill.” The Lord’s command is simple in its clarity, yet human beings are subjected to negative influences and tempted by sin to prefer their own judgment, to wit: a) “War is so much more exciting and to the point than diplomacy”; b) “That’s really a pumpkin in there; it just magically turns into a baby when it comes out. Otherwise why would pregnant women’s bellies be round, hmm?”; c) “Hey, we deserve those stem cells, darn it!”; d) “Jesus commanded us, ‘Do unto others what they do unto you’”; e) “If he’s not like me, he must not really be human”; f) “He killed me first!” But as the doctors of the Church teach, the Lord’s command omits any ambiguity:

You shall not kill them in the rain.
You shall not kill them on a train.
You can not, will not, on a boat.
You will not, will not, with a goat.
Not in the womb! Not in a tree!
Not in a war! You let them be!
Do not kill them as embryos.
Do not kill them with Cheerios.
Do not kill them with a mouse.
Do not kill them in a house.
Do not kill them in the chair.
You’re not God, so it’s not fair.
Do not kill them here or there.
Do not kill them anywhere!
Remember how you killed the Lamb?
So stop the killing, says the great I Am!
(c.f. Dr. Seuss, “Green Eggs and Ham”)

Nifty Catholic Reporter will keep you posted as this story develops.

--Jovial Catholic, as I.C. takes a short break

10 comments:

Cog said...

Ingenius! What will those strange American Catholics think up next? Here in Australia we have [His Eminence] Big George [Cardinal Pell] to hold the line, so I doubt we'll be getting anything so engaging in our books this decade.

Ray from MN said...

Hey, pretty grrrreattt, Jovial! Welcome to St Blog's Parish!

I.C.'s gonna have to start looking around more at the competition, especially with the big awards ceremony coming up in a couple of months.

Where can I submit my proposed changes to the Catechism? I have a bunch of sins I'd like to see removed from the list. It'll make life much more fun.

And I think the use of Kool Aid pitchers and some modern hymns should be mortal sins!

angelmeg said...

Thanks for the laugh, after the day I have had I really really neaded it.

and thanks to our great American Bishops for clearing up all those ambiguous places in the Catechism for us.

Ma Beck said...

Excellent!
Thanks for the laugh.
:)

Anonymous said...

Cute!

Adoro Te Devote said...

I'm still laughing! Thanks for that!

Cathy_of_Alex said...

ROFL!

RobK said...

Outstanding!!! I love the Dr. Seuss rhyme! Thanks for that!!!

Panda Rosa said...

This going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

Martin Tohill said...

AAAAAAgh!

You're killin' me