Monday, October 02, 2006

A Theological Engineering Exam


A gem from Methodist blogger John at Locusts and Honey.

Theological Engineering 311: the final exam

4 Questions, 60 Minutes.

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount of L_O. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t=0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)

3. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t+10 sec.?

4. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.
A. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
B. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

Other than the word problems giving me really bad acid flashbacks to high school math, I thought this was hilarious. Feel free to provide some answers in the comment box.

--I.C.

11 comments:

John said...

I wonder how a "McBeal" of sin translates into metric.

Peter Brown said...

Why shouldn't a McBeal of sin *be* metric? (After all, watts and volts are metric units.) Then you could have a milliMcBeal (that extra dessert when you really should have been trying to lose weight), a centiMcBeal (just a *little* bit of greed), a kiloMcBeal (pretty well guaranteed to be mortal sin), and all the rest....

Peace,
--Peter

The Ironic Catholic said...

I must admit, as a liberal artsy theologian, I have no freakin clue what half of this stuff is. I'm in awe of those of you who do....

American system= Hebrew
Metric=Greek

?

Peter Brown said...

You know, on rereading this, I'm hearing too many answers to leave alone (sorry, IC!).

1. L_O. God's love is absolute, so it's immune to relativistic effects.

2. Since she's positive in Z and getting more so, metanoia is required for her salvation. (Hmm--why is that unsurprising?!) So it depends (at least) on when she repents.

3. Granting the assumption (which is a pretty big one!), presumably 0 kg, since Cordelia (all of her!) would have been raptured. Which, in her case, means she's been saved by grace on more than one level.

4. Undecidable. Mormons, like other humans, can't be massless (although Mormons are by defition Massless).

Extra credit: no heat, Light.

OK, I'll be quiet now.

Peace,
--Peter

Peter Brown said...

Ack--in my answer to #4, that should be "definition", not "defition." I guess my spelling is defitient.

Peace,
--Peter

Trubador said...

Massless... *snicker*

John said...

We Methodists go to the Golden Corral after worship services and are definately not massless.

Tony said...

1. Infinite as it was before, during and after acceleration.

2. t = Now. God exists in the "eternal now".

3. 0 kg.

4. 11 McBeals

5. 0 Joules.


That was fun.

CMinor said...

the minor premise would like to propose the "priest" as the basic unit of mass for these calculations.

Trubador said...

And here I thought you were talking about Ally McBeal's. Whodathunkit?

angelmeg said...

I married an engineer. I realized early on that that it was my job to get him into heaven when he his spiritual brain worked just like this test.

sigh

Being as I am the creative writer type, and my flights are more fanciful, I wonder sometimes which one of us has the harder job.