Friday, January 12, 2007

The Catalytic Converter Conspiracy Unveiled

(Left: The source of many forced conversion, according to Pastor Riley.)

Delilahville, TN: Pastor W. Robert Riley at Brother Billy Bob's House of the Impending Apocalypse and BBQ Shack has pointed to a new explanation for the increase of the Catholic population in the United States and in his hometown, Delilahville, Tennessee: cars with catalytic converters.

"Those cars with Catlic converters are a danger to our children and must be eliminated. For years, we have unsuspectingly been under the humming influence of these Satanic machines, and they have caused many of brethren to convert to the Catholic Church, simply by idling in front of Bessie Lou's Drive Thru Ice Creamery, enjoying a seemingly innocent chocolate nut sundae. I'll tell you what's choco-nutty, folks! Sisters and brothers, those cars are part of a vast conspiracy to convert us all and we must resist by destroying every Catlic converter in existence," the pastor preached last Sunday.

When told by one of the elders that the word was catalytic, not Catlic, the pastor explained that was all part of the insidious plan. "I don't know how Ford and Chevy got under the thumb of the Vatican, but Chrysler don't surprise me. Those K-Cars were a cry for help, and this travesty against religious freedom was what they were suffering."

Another elder, a local mechanic guiding the pastor down from the pulpit, whispered that cars hadn't had catalytic converters for years, starting with the Japanese automakers, Toyota and Nissan. Before the microphone was turned off, the pastor was heard remarking is was a sad day when we had to rely on Buddhists and the Shinto to stamp out Catholic converting automobiles running amuck in the United States.

The charge against Ford, Chevrolet, and Chrysler is currently under investigation at the ACLU. "It's a serious accusation," intoned an unnamed ACLU lawyer. "We'll give it the due process it deserves."

(Before you Southerners get upset...I was raised in the South and lived in Tennessee for seven years. I love the state. I write this article with great cultural affection. OK?)


RobK said...

Great! I love the ACLU comment too. It so fits.

Gregory said...


Not all protestants are doomsaying, verbally handicapped fundamentalists who stand around all day eating grits and saying, "I tell you whuuuut..."

The Ironic Catholic said...


I KNOW. My dad's Protestant.

Then again, if you loved through decades of being told you were damned and the cause of all that was wrong with freedom and the American way of life, you would likely appreciate this more.

Or maybe I'm being hateful (to use a good Southern word). But I don't mean to be. I'll ponder this. Email me, folks: .

The Ironic Catholic said...

p.s. I wasn't told that by my, obviously. That would be twisted, alright.

SLowboy said...

Hey, I grew up Catholic in Tennessee and we were targets of many the southern Baptist. No, not many were the one described in the piece but this is after all: humor.


Note to you. Don't ever poike fun at whit catlic males who cant spel or youl be hereing from me.


Panda Rosa said...

Gasp! Catalytic converters! We're all doomed, esp if those cars get good mileage! I've hung my great-grandmother's rosary from the rear-view mirror--that means it's already starting! There's no hope for me! (grins) No doubt it's standard for the Popemobile.

Anonymous said...

I lived in TN, and was often asked if I'd "found a church home" in the same way I'd be asked if I'd found a good dry cleaners. I usually got an uncomfortable silence when I responded "yes, I go to St. Mary's". However, I have to say, my aunts' minister (Pentecostal) Brother Johnson was a very nice, well-spoken man who never ever preached at me. The worst I encountered there was a co-worker who asked me when our Easter was because she confused us w/Eastern Orthodox!

Domini Sumus said...

And all this time I have been avoiding cars because I thought catlic converters were a Protestant invention meant to convert Catholics.

Thanks for clearing it up.

Histor the Wise said...


But funny.


CMinor said...

I'da been inclahned to yuck it up more at this post if I hadn't already read stuff that was eerily close...but those writers were similar. It's amazing what one finds by, say, googling Opus Dei.

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