(Left: The source of many forced conversion, according to Pastor Riley.)
Delilahville, TN: Pastor W. Robert Riley at Brother Billy Bob's House of the Impending Apocalypse and BBQ Shack has pointed to a new explanation for the increase of the Catholic population in the United States and in his hometown, Delilahville, Tennessee: cars with catalytic converters.
"Those cars with Catlic converters are a danger to our children and must be eliminated. For years, we have unsuspectingly been under the humming influence of these Satanic machines, and they have caused many of brethren to convert to the Catholic Church, simply by idling in front of Bessie Lou's Drive Thru Ice Creamery, enjoying a seemingly innocent chocolate nut sundae. I'll tell you what's choco-nutty, folks! Sisters and brothers, those cars are part of a vast conspiracy to convert us all and we must resist by destroying every Catlic converter in existence," the pastor preached last Sunday.
When told by one of the elders that the word was catalytic, not Catlic, the pastor explained that was all part of the insidious plan. "I don't know how Ford and Chevy got under the thumb of the Vatican, but Chrysler don't surprise me. Those K-Cars were a cry for help, and this travesty against religious freedom was what they were suffering."
Another elder, a local mechanic guiding the pastor down from the pulpit, whispered that cars hadn't had catalytic converters for years, starting with the Japanese automakers, Toyota and Nissan. Before the microphone was turned off, the pastor was heard remarking is was a sad day when we had to rely on Buddhists and the Shinto to stamp out Catholic converting automobiles running amuck in the United States.
The charge against Ford, Chevrolet, and Chrysler is currently under investigation at the ACLU. "It's a serious accusation," intoned an unnamed ACLU lawyer. "We'll give it the due process it deserves."
(Before you Southerners get upset...I was raised in the South and lived in Tennessee for seven years. I love the state. I write this article with great cultural affection. OK?)