Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Commercial Break: How To Be A Saint Like Me In Two Easy Steps (Part 1)

(Courtesy of Sic.)

We here at The Ironic Catholic have to pay the bills to keep the lights on, you know, so please bear with us as we entertain a short commercial break from Mr. Simon Simpletongue:

You know, I’m frequently stopped in public by fans who want to shake my hand and maybe get an autograph from someone who is not only a world-famous motivational speaker, but also widely recognized as a “living saint.” And you know what people say to me? Really, the most frequent comment I hear is this: “Simon, I admire your holiness, but I could never be as holy as you.” Why, even the Holy Father said as much to me during my private audience with him in 1997: “Chi รจ questo uomo pazzesco?” he said; “Come siete entrato?” Loosely translated from the Italian: Who is this holy man? And how can I be like him?

Well, I certainly sympathize with people like the Holy Father. But you want to know the truth? Truth number one: We’re all called to holiness. Truth number two: It just isn’t all that hard, people.

Some people try to become holy by reading the so-called “spiritual classics”: The Interior Castle, The Ascent of Mount Carmel, The Cloud of Unknowing, Showings, Introduction to the Devout Life, The Imitation of Christ, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and so on. Well, who wouldn’t be daunted, not to mention a little depressed, by some of that stuff?

Unfortunately, the sad truth is that many so-called “spiritual masters” have a vested interest in making holiness seem like hard work. Number one, you sell more books that way. Number two, they can have a monopoly on holiness by making it seem so hard that no one else even dares to try!

I know from personal experience how tempting it can be to keep the mantle of holiness to oneself—the book deals, the fame, the adulation, the groupies. Fortunately for you, I have reached a level of holiness that allows me to rise above personal self-interest, which is why I am now revealing my spiritual secrets in the new book, How to Be A Saint Like Me in Two Easy Steps (Harcourt, $29.95). With this simple method, you can become kinda holy in thirty days or less, and a saint like me in under six months. Allow me to give you a brief overview of my patented method....

To be continued next post....


angelmeg said...

"You can become kinda holy in 30 days."

Now there is a claim that any spiritual master should be willing to stand behind.

I think I will wait for the cliff notes though

Tim said...

This would be a great backup book for those who aren't sure they can follow the steps in my new book, "How To Be A Christian Martyr In One Easy Step!"

The Ironic Catholic said...


Allen said...

This is great stuff! Where was I when you were young and single? LOL

I'm thinking that Tim and IC's ideas could be conflated as The Path To Holeyness