Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Part 2: Commercial break, "How To Be A Saint Like Me In Two Easy Steps"

(Last time.)

1. Humility, humility, humility
Real estate agents have a saying that the three most important things about selling property are location, location, and location. Well, when it comes to saintliness, it’s all about humility, humility, humility. I just can’t emphasize it enough. Once I realized the importance of humility, everything else just fell in place for me.

Unfortunately, many people misunderstand what I mean when I talk about humility. “Simon,” they ask me, “does humility mean that I have to pretend that I might not be right about everything?” Absolutely not! Remember, Scripture tells us that the Lord “humbled himself” by becoming one of us. And is there anywhere in Scripture that the Lord suggests that he doesn’t know it all? As you know, we are called to imitate the Lord; hence, there is no need to pretend that we don’t have all the answers. When you are as holy as me and Jesus, you basically have a hotline to the
mind of God, and God is right about everything.

No, humility means accepting the fact that not everyone will admit that we know the truth, and patiently enduring their abuse and scorn. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for my sake,” the Lord says.

2. Know the rules of holiness
Once you’re humble, the rest is pretty simple; all you have to do is follow the rules
of holiness. As anyone who is even vaguely familiar with the Scriptures--as I am--will know, this was the central theme of Jesus’ mission. As he famously said,
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you have neglected the law”
(Mt 23:23). So if you can follow the rules, you’re golden. All you have to do is
read the Bible (don’t skip Leviticus!), the Catechism, the Code of Canon Law,
and, um, the General Instruction for the Roman Missal.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I hear you saying. “Simon! I thought you said this was an easy method!” But don’t get your knickers in a snicker just yet, folks. I’ve recorded these documents as an audio book…in Latin, by the way, to make sure you get the
official version. You’d think that it would take hundreds of hours to listen to
all those documents, but in fact you can hear them all in just one night while
you sleep because I speeded up the playback by twenty times. Your unconscious
mind will absorb the relevant information directly all while you sleep like a

“But Simon, how will I learn anything if I am asleep? And besides,
I don’t even know Latin!” I get that comment all the time. Trust me, this is a
proven method that I have used for years as a catechist in my parish’s
confirmation program. And don’t worry about not knowing Latin. We’d all agree
that folks were generally holier before Vatican II, right? Most of those folks
didn’t understand Latin either. The thing is, using my patented method, you
don’t need to understand Church teaching in order to apply it to other people.

Normally, the CD retails for $99.95, but if you buy it with my new book,
“How To Be a Saint Like Me in Two Easy Steps,” I’ll practically give them away
for the low, low price of $119.95.

A word of caution: the mantle of holiness is not without its responsibilities. Holiness is all about service, after all, and it calls us to serve others by enlightening those who are, shall we say, “spiritually disadvantaged.” One way to discharge that responsibility would be to start a blog like my gracious host today, the Irenic Catholic. Or you could easily leave helpful spams, ahem comments recommending my book on other people’s blogs. Don’t expect them to appreciate your efforts, though… remember, humility is key!

Happy holiness to you! This has been Simon Simpletongue, the “Living Saint.”

(God, please don't strike Sic down for this post. Amen.--IC)


Slowboy said...

Simon, you're a fake! You know that everything you know you learned from me!

I expect 1/2 of all your income from this shameless promotion and for you to aknowladge my seminal book, “Avoiding Avarice"


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