Clearview, IL: In groundbreaking news, an alarming number of Catholics report that they are happy with their parishes.
Investigative reporter Luke Arownferstuf posted himself outside a Clearview Catholic church when masses were letting out, posing the question: "What do you think of the Catholic Church, esp. this parish?"
"Great, really. You know, Fr. Whiting often preaches a homily that makes me think. And the Sunday Eucharist is the center of my week. Plus I kind of like the variety of songs, and the people aren't perfect, but who is? We're all there because we need help, right? " observed Marcilla Buntz, a 70 year old member of Resurrection Parish in Clearview.
Another member, 25 year old Jon Ryan, added "I think it's great, the support I get trying to be a spiritual man in this society, and a single father to boot. This is the only place I know where my life is accepted like this. Sure isn't at work."
His four year son, Jason, smiled and added, "I really like learning about Jesus."
Arownferstuf finally shouted into the exiting crowd, "Doesn't anyone here have gripes with one another?" and people just looked at him blankly. One finally said, "Look, man, we're the Body of Christ." And they smiled and walked away, whistling.
Finding little shocking news, Arownferstuf drove to the downtown parish, Our Lady of Angels, and interviewed people leaving the 11:00 am Mass.
"Well, I attend because I need a place to worship God, and this church has always felt the most right to me. I mean, why else would you go to church? If you want to just do good stuff, go find your local Lions Club," said 40 year old Denise Rousseau.
Her husband, Gerard, interjected. "That's true, but I like the way this church encourages good works flowing out of our faith. I appreciate it that we work as a community with projects like Habitat and Birthright. We're called to serve others in humility and love, and this church encourages that. What can we say? We like being Catholic."
Valerie Brown, 55, responded "Sure, I'm happy with the parish. I mean, I'm worshiping with the communion of saints and see God's grace made visible every week. It helps me pray and be who God wants me to be. OK, so I don't like a song or two. I like others. Big deal."
In desperation, Arownferstuf interviewed the homeless man begging next to the doors. "Yep, they're a right nice bunch," he said. "Most of them ask me how I'm doing, and the sisters invite me in to Mass too. I get some change and people offer to drive me to the nearest Catholic Worker house. I must admit, one person looked at me strange two weeks ago; but then he apologized the next week after those confession hours. It's been nicer than begging at the Starbucks down the street; it's like they think I'm a human being here."
An exasperated Arownferstuf admitted that his investigation must be flawed. "We all know Catholics can't be this happy with their lot. Geez, they make more headlines than all the other churches combined for a year in one week! I must be running into some kind of theological conspiracy, all this dignity-God-love weirdness. I'm going to keep tapping on this conspiracy until something breaks. More next week."
p.s. or is it not-so-fake news?