Monday, May 05, 2008

Catholic College Scores Slip One Letter Grade After Warm Weekend

(A re-run, but a timely one.)

Megalopolis, Middle America: That slippery sound you just heard was everyone's cumulative grade point average at RBCU* sliding down one full letter grade.

"When I saw the forecast for 80 degrees and sunny all weekend--this last weekend before finals--I knew it was big trouble," said Professor Eugene Harrison of the Philosophy department. "All our senior theses were due on Monday, and the one person who turned it in? Seven pages. They were sporting nifty tans, though. It's a little known fact: the temperature outside in the last week of school has a direct bearing on student achievement."

"What do you expect?" said Ryan McCarthy, an RBCU junior. "We had a blizzard in April, and temps in the 10s and 20s for months. God WANTS us to be outside. And my laptop is on the fritz. Some days are worth taking the 'gentleman's C'."

Theology professor Regina Christopherson attempted to "teach the moment" by taking her students outside and discussing the essential spiritual discipline of discernment. Student Joanna Carl reported, "We had been learning that Christians discern in the midst of trials and temptations, some of which are mutable goods that may not directly lead us to our ultimate good, our God. So she took us outside on the lawn and asked us if we truly discerned that kissing our academic semester goodbye was the right decision, despite the glorious weather."

"A student then interrupted Dr. Christopherson, saying 'Professor? I think I can help discern the Holy Spirit among us.'

'You do?'

'Yeah,' he said, all blissed out. Then he pulled up a puffy dandelion head and said 'See? The Holy Spirit. Now you see it.' And he blew the seeds all over. 'Now you don't.'"

Class was cancelled until further notice (or bad weather).


*Really Big Catholic University


Ray from MN said...

Questions for Intrepid Reporter, I.C.:

Do these rules apply at RSCU's like AMU in Florida, too?

Is there no hope for top grades except going to college in Duluth or someplace further north where 80 degree temperatures are unknown, even in July?

The Ironic Catholic said...

Ray, Florida schools are so hot that students are driven inside, where the AC is. Scores go down in December there. :)

Intrepid Mother of the Front Pew Crew said...

Actually, schools that far south of the Mason-Dixon line have similar problems when they get freak April snow showers just before mid-term exams. The students' curiosity is peaked when they see strange white fluffs falling from the heavens. Racing outside to exam such a novelty, they carefully exam these fluffs before determining that for years they have been duped into believing that snowflakes are fancy paper cutouts covered in glitter and strung from the ceiling. The psychological shock is enough to put them in therapy for the remainder of the semster.

SLowboy said...

Now you see it, now you don't

I love it. A new St. Patrick for the US!

Tom said...

This phenomenon happened every year I was at Notre Dame.

Adoro te Devote said...

"blissed out"


CMinor said...

My daughter is getting emailed this link!

CT said...

Man if that's true, everyone where I'm going to school should get stellar grades...we've had rain continuously all week...with finals beginning next week.