Friday, June 29, 2007

Poetry winners announced!

The people have spoken! The humorous poetry winner for 2007 is: Tim Canny of Lapped Catholic's "Thoughts Of A Slightly Confused Potential Convert"!

Thoughts of a  Slightly Confused Potential Convert

I'd like to be a Catholic,
To sail the Holy Sea.
To learn about the Cannon Laws
Like "Don't aim that thing at me".

I'll help around the chapel.
I know I can be trained,
To clean the glass that's dirty.
You know, you call it stained.

I've soldiered for this country
And guarded foreign borders
So I've no problem with a priest
Barking Holy Orders.

No, I'm no fan of gluttony.
While fasting I'll stand firm.
But there's no way you'll see me
Go on a Diet of Worms!

And when it comes to Martyrs Paste
I really don't know whether
It's used to brush the martyr's teeth
Or put martyrs back together.

I have just one more question
For which I'm at a loss
Please can someone tell me
How much a Penta costs.
Congrats, ironic poet laureate and good and faithful servant Tim! An ugly badge and code is in your email. Try to resist the sin of pride. The lousy button will help there.

Other worthy finalists:
Everyone wants the dang Motu.
So they have a nice Mass they can go to.
But if priests don't speak Latin
Any more than your cat can
What a Mass mess we'll all have to sit through!
  • "There came a notorious sinner" by Jennifer (you need a blog, Jennifer....)
There came a notorious sinner,
to the rectory just before dinner;
"Hear a confession?" said the priest,
"I don't mind in the least! --
though I fear, by the end, I'll be thinner."
  • "21st Century Proverbs 31:10-31" by Intrepid Mother of the Front Pew Crew (who also needs to get a blog already)
21st Century Proverbs 31:10-31

10 Who shall find a valiant woman? She is worth all
her high maintenance.

11 The heart of her husband trusteth in her, and he
shall have no need of carousing at Hooters. 12 She
will render him good, and not evil, all the days of
her life. 13 She hath scoured the web for many
bargains, and hath wrought them by her shrewd eBay
bids. 14 She is like the merchant's ship, she bringeth
her groceries via the UPS man. 15 And she hath risen
in the night to read Ironic Catholic posts, and
maintained her Roomba robot named Jeeves.

16 She hath considered a stock, and bought it; with
the fruit of her investment she has purchased a sports
utility vehicle. 17 She hath mastered multi-tasking:
walking endless miles on her treadmill whilst keeping
an eye on the children, applying her make-up, and
talking on her cell phone, and hath strengthened her
arm by lifting many a babe. 18 She hath had an
original thought; and has endured more than a decade
of sleep deprivation. 19 She hath attempted many
do-it-yourself home maintenance projects, and her
fingers have taken hold of the power drill. 20 She
hath payed both her Social Security and her Medicare.

21 She shall not fear for her house in the cold of
snow, for all she has shopped at Land’s End. 22 She
hath visited Macy’s for her clothing of microfiber:
lycra and wicking fabrics are her covering. 23 Her
husband is known on his blog, when he sitteth among
the pontificators of cyberspace. 24 She wrote a
freelance article, and sold it, and traded in her
girdle for a nip and tuck. 25 Strength and beauty are
her clothing, and, thanks to Botox, she shall laugh in
the latter day.

26 She hath earned her doctoral degree, and the law of
clemency is on her tongue. 27 She hath hired a crew of
immigrants to mow her lawn, and hath not eaten more
calories than she burns. 28 Her children rose up, and
asked for Lucky Charms, her husband for Raisin Bran.
29 Many daughters have gathered together riches: thou
hast surpassed them all. 30 Tofu is deceitful, and
beauty is vain: the woman that feareth the Lord, she
shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands: and let her own
blog praise her on the net.

Holy and amusing women, check your email for your very own ugly badges.

And to end on a serious and uplifting note: The Serious Poetry winner, by Intrepid Mother of the Front Pew Crew (again)

The Bread of Life

Not with our senses,
Nor by any mere human observation,
Only by an embrace of faith
In the words of Jesus
Can we be brought to our knees
By the reality of Him
Fully present
In this, our spiritual food.

Born of a virgin in the City of Bread,
The Word made flesh,
The true Manna from heaven,
The everlasting High Priest,
The sacrificial lamb,
The fulfillment of the kingdom,
The Prince of the new Jerusalem
Comes into our beings
And transforms our lives.

Congrats to all, and thanks again for playing along. Next month: fine ironic oil paintings! (just kidding....)


Bock the Robber said...

I'm new to your site, so please forgive me if I seem a bit crass.

Why do you say you'd never poke fun at the heart of the faith?

The Ironic Catholic said...

I define the heart of the faith as revelation from God. I'm not interesting in tearing down a faith that animates my life and saves me from my worst self and death itself.

Instead, I try to focus on our foibles in living out of the Word.

Interesting avatar, by the way.

Anonymous said...

When I click on the "poems" link, I get "Page Not Found."