Thursday, July 05, 2007

A Catholic Knows It's Humid When...

(Inspired by KaleJ's great list "A Catholic Knows It's Hot When..." at Un-muted Mumblings. Floridian The Curt Jester tried his hand at this as well, when Northerner Kale was wondering about Catholics in the Cold a few months ago. My twist, for what it is worth: soul-soaking humidity, pumped into the air by those 10,000 lakes I live near....)

Everyone at church seems to be struck by the gift of tears, but it's actually just beads of sweat.

The baptized babies say "ahhhh" when dunked in the lukewarm water.

All personal fasting from fluids is ordered to be stopped by the parish priest.

When people bless themselves with holy water, they smear the water all over their faces. They then place their faces in front of a personal fan and pray a Glory Be.

People listen to Father's homily on Jesus as the source of living water with unusually rapt attention.

The rosary group gets canceled, as the beads keep slipping from everyone's sweaty grasp.

People begin pleading for mercy with St. Isidore, patron of farmers, to cool it on the perfect --but humid-- crop weather.

The charismatic prayer group suggests a healing Mass for the dehydrated of the community.

A child innocently asks Father if the communion wine could be chilled, and served in a super-sized cup.

The "kiss of peace" becomes a vigorous wave of the hand, to show affection and create a slight breeze.

You begin asking the saints details about mystical visions of hell, sheerly for comparison purposes.



Jeff Miller said...

When all the parishioners are using their missal as a fan.

When "it's the humidity" is the responsibly psalm in response to "It's not the heat."

When all of the statues seem to be crying.

When people start eying the baptismal font for a quick dip.

When making the sign of the cross you unintentionally spray sweat on others.

When the second collection for funds to repair the AC meets with record response.

When hearing the Gospel reading you audibly respond with the Samaritan women "Where is this living water."

The Ironic Catholic said...

Jeff, #6 on your list rings most true. :)

Kathy said...

It's only early July, guys. Best wishes for the AC--Kathy

mcewen said...

Really, really, really good catholics jump on a plane and visit England which is currently flooded after record breaking rain. Really, really , really bad Catholics, nip back on a plane and zip back to the States wearing their galloshes.

Ray from MN said...

I went out to REI and bought one of those $25 T-Shirts that "wicks" the perspiration. They work! I am no longer sopping wet as I perform my ministry.

Father should get them for himself and the servers!

Sanctus Belle said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh this morning!

Hidden One said...

All candles and burning of any sort is reduced to minimal amoutns or summarily ended lest the temperature be driven upwards any farther.

An indulgence is granted to all pro bono AC-repairmen.

The number of people falling asleep during the homily does not exceed the number of people who faint.

No matter what the official name of the parish is, it now contains the words "Dante's Inferno." Thus, Our Lady of Guadeloupe becomes Our Lady of Dante's Inferno.

Broken windows are not repaired, because if there's enough of them, one can achieve something of a nice breeze.

The priest kindly asks the Holy Spirit not to come upon anyone with tongues of fire, but the mighty wind would be nice.

Paul Cat said...

You understand how the Egyptians must feel after that whole Red Sea thing.

"Wade in the Water" becomes the Entrance, Processional, Eucharistic, and Dismissal hymn.

There is no more holy water in the fonts, only holy humidity.

It takes something more powerful than a match to light the pascal candle at vespers.

The Ironic Catholic said...

Hidden One and Paul Cat--
very nice! I laughed!

I liked the second ones in each of your lists in particular.

Thanks all.