Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Bible According To...

Jeff's Bible, according to (all hail) The Onion:

...One minor difference that you might pick up on is that Jeff's Bible doesn't start with the creation story. That was a specific artistic choice I made after the first part of my Bible got erased accidentally. But, I think you'll agree that starting halfway into the Exodus story gives my Bible a kind of Memento-type feel that's pretty avant-garde.

So let us begin tonight with a reading from Jeff 1:14. This is the story of Moses leading the Hebrews through the desert, based loosely on the movie Gladiator.

And then Moses said unto the Pharaoh, "Thus saith the Lord of Israel, 'Let my people go.'" And the Pharaoh said unto Moses, "Your people will never be free. My father loved you more than me, and although you are a great and powerful fighter, I will spill your blood on the battlefield. Your plagues versus my army. All hail Rome!"

As you can see, I tried to stay as true to the original as possible by keeping the part about the Red Sea and the plagues. That's pretty key. And I added a small subplot in which Moses discovers that the non-Hebrews may not be entirely human, but, rather, a race of biomechanical beings bent on destroying their people, and then Moses goes on to kick their cyborg Egyptian asses anyway....

And Allen of's It Came From Allen's Brain provides us Ch 8 of "The Gospel According to Melvin the Melon Farmer":

And Jesus was met by a man who was filled with evil spirits.

"Ugh! He's naked!" said Andrew

"Phew! He's filthy!" said James ben-Alphaeus.

"Hey Thomas!" said Bartholomew, "Do you think he's bathed more recently than you?"

"I doubt it," muttered Thomas. "And besides, that's not me. That's Philip."

"Oh, right," said Bartholomew. "Sorry, but the two of you really look alike!"

To which Philip tiredly responded, "That's why we call him Didymus, Bart. Remember?"

"So what's the rent on one of those tombs?" asked Judas.

"Imagine the property tax he's saving by living there!" gushed Matthew.

"Stinkin' Romans and their taxes! I'll kill 'em all!" screamed Simon the Zealot, drawing his sword.

"Whoa! Simon! I'm with you guys now, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Er, sorry Matthew. Nothin' personal."

Go read them both, but especially Allen's piece on the swine committing sooeycide.

1 comment:

Allen said...

Thanks, IC! I'm glad you enjoyed my latest Melvin fragment. Canteloupe juice can be classified as "fruit of the vine," right?