Friday, August 31, 2007

To Celebrate The New School Year: Student Mistakes (PG)

Not MY students' mistakes...I wouldn't put that on a blog. These are from here, and some are even theological. All I can say is I'm not worried about job security: the need is great....

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked 'Am I my brother's son?'

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made themselves unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cynanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic game, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.

Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they though he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen'. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah'.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

Another important invention was the circulation of the blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never mad much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same times as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.

The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissaance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Pinto, the Nina and the Santa Fe.

Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress.The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes fo the Revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared ' A horse divided against itself cannot stand'. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.

Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.


Mac McLernon said...

This one was already old when I started teaching... a decade ago!!

CMinor said...

I've probably read these a dozen times, and I still laugh hysterically every time!

I'm gonna be snickering about Mr. Jefferson all morning.

The Ironic Catholic said...

Old but good, eh?

mcewen said...

Great post for the first week of school. Hope they all learn somethings that are equally as entertaining.

Adoro te Devote said...

Oh, I've seen those before....and they crack me up every time! I'm not entirely sure which is my favorite.

Allen said...

"Hurled the biscuits and threw the java": sounds like breakfast with toddlers.

My favorite was one about Beethoven: "He was deaf, so he wrote very loud music."

MissJean said...

I didn't know these were old. I thought they were mostly mistakes when students rely on Spellchecker.