Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Ladies Auxiliary Condemns Beaujolais As Anti-Christian


Neuvo Colon, CA: In another sticky meeting of scriptural interpretation and zeal, the Knights of Columbus Ladies Auxiliary of St. John's Catholic Church declared a ritual dumping of French Beaujolais Nouveau for November.

"We went to the Friday morning mass before our monthly meeting, and Father Henderson preached in the gospel reading from Luke, about the folly of putting new wine in old wineskins. Honestly, we don't know what a wineskin is, but we really focused on Christ's pronouncement 'the old is good.' It seemed obvious to us that Christ was condemning Beaujolais Nouveau," said the auxiliary president, Mildred Baskerville.

As Beaujolais Nouveau--a wine quickly fermented with a limited shelf life--is made available in October, the Ladies are planning an awareness campaign to prevent Catholics from buying the new wine. "Our hope is to get Catholics to buy older intoxicants for the holidays instead. But if they buy some, or have some turning to vinegar around the house, we're planning a ritual dumping in the parish parking lot in November. Fr. Henderson has mentioned the lot could end up smelling like Kool-Aid for months, but that's a sacrifice for the gospel we're prepared to make," stated Baskerville.

Enthusiasts have approached the Ladies Auxiliary about dumping White Zinfandel as well, but Baskerville has replied that they don't want to blur the clarity of the message.

--I.C.

Breaking News: Professor John Croissant of RBCU* argues the action is "exegetically improbable", but is willing to support this worthy cause.

*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University
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(Mini truth-is-stranger moment: Need another reason to hate Beaujolais? The crushed wasps in it make you sick.)

4 comments:

Gregory said...

Exegetically improbably. Brilliant.

A worthy cause indeed, though I would fully support the dumping of white zinfandel.

(Visit my new blog, IC!)

Allen said...

I second Gregory on the "exegetically improbable" line! ~Snort!~

So, the ladies auxiliary would be "old wineskins"? [ducks]

Adoro te Devote said...

Exegetically improbable! LOL!

I would also support dumping white zin. And then we can introduce white zin lovers to real wine.

Oh, and Beaujolais isn't bad, I've had the stuff, but it's been years. Of course, I won't die if I drink it.

Perhaps "The Princess Bride" can be remade and instead of iocaine powder, Nuveau Beaujolais can be used.

The Ironic Catholic said...

You know, you all are laughing because of "exegetically improbable"--but as someone in the biz, that's EXACTLY what we'd say! I wasn't trying to be funny! (sob)