Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Luther's "Theses That Didn't Make The Cut" Discovered

Wittenberg, Germany: In a stunning archaeological find, a cleaning woman has found a scroll of what are apparently the rejected theses in a rough draft of Martin Luther's famous "95 Theses."

Katarina Becker, a historian at the historic Wittenberg Church site, says the propositions Luther nailed to the Church door on October 31, 1517 were meant to spur debate. The door served as a public bulletin board, which expected to see heavy service the following day, the Feast of All Saints. "Still," she said, "no one expected to find a rough draft of Luther's list in a tower of the Church. The Theses seemed complete and whole at 95. Maybe 'The 103 Theses' just sounded forced; we'll never know. We're just thankful to have this bit of history in our laps."

Becker released these theses exclusively to The Ironic Catholic on Reformation Day 2007, agreeing the world deserves to know. The rough draft theses that didn't make it into Luther's treatise are as follows:

  • Indulgences have a silver lining in that they encourage neighborly love for the undead.
  • Hmm...check with cook about adding chicken to the soup this Friday.
  • The Maccabees' reference to "praying for the dead" could refer to the justification of zombies, not purgatory.
  • We'd be a lot less cranky if we got to eat an occasional vegetable around this country. Sure, the pastries and spaetzle are great, but still. Perhaps vegetarianism could undo Catholic abuse of power.
  • On the upside, the statues are rather pretty.
  • Building that St. Peter's Basilica will come to nothing, mark my words.
  • I hear the Pope has hired a second-rate painter named Michelangelo to do the ceiling. This is proof of vanity and squandering, since it is clear that people never look up in a Church.
  • However, there's no need for folks to get upset. A good pint of beer among friends will sort this all out.
Theology professors at RBCU* offered no official comment, although one was heard chortling "this will be the first time I want to go to that ecumenical conference next week!"

--I.C.
*RBCU= Really Big Catholic University

4 comments:

Oloryn said...

Has anyone told John the Methodist about #4?

John said...

I.C. just e-mailed me. And yes, I couldn't agree more.

I didn't have the church do anything special for Reformation Sunday last week. There's enough division in the Church already without adding another contribution. Besides, we Methodists are Via Media, not completely Protestant.

The Ironic Catholic said...

John--I was asked (as a lay Catholic theologian) by a Lutheran congregation to guest-preach on Reformation Sunday in 2000, to honor the joint declaration on justification between Catholics and Lutherans that year. I talked about how Christ created us for unity and we start wherever we are to do that: study, work together, pray together, live in charity and see where it goes.

As I was outside with the pastor shaking hands, a man came up to me and said: "That was the best damn Reformation Day sermon I've ever heard!"

I laughed for weeks. There is hope.

Allen said...

Ah, a pint among friends! THAT is the spirit of Luther!