Tuesday, January 08, 2008

In Search of Diversity, Candidates Visit New Hampshire Catholic Church

Nashua, NH: In an effort to appeal to a broad political base, both Democratic and Republican presidential candidates decided that the closest thing to ethnic diversity in New Hampshire could be found at the local Catholic parish.

Lucille Sarton, long-time parishioner of St. Aloysius Catholic Church, showed up for daily Mass at 7am and said "It was awkward. There were all these candidates outside in the parish parking lot, shaking hands. Huckabee and Obama were handing out hot coffee. Thing is, that breaks the fast before Eucharist, so they had lots of coffee on their hands. Giuliani was drinking up a storm, though. And Kucinich was arguing that it should have been free-trade. It just wasn't contemplative."

An anonymous representative for the McCain campaign said that the campaigns were looking for reaching to the people--"a cross-section of America"--and given the country's ethnically diverse make-up, were at a loss in homogeneous New Hampshire. "Then someone said 'Hey, I know--let's go visit a Catholic Church!' and the rest followed like a bunch of cows. At minimum we thought we may find someone who didn't hate taxes, or was wearing bright colors."

When a few media handlers were heard muttering "OK, where's the diversity? The cameras are freezing up," 79 year old Ms. Sarton grabbed a microphone and said "We are one, holy, and Catholic. We are one Body! Stop trying to divide us into these artificial groups! And while you're at it, get a platform we can actually vote for in good conscience!" There was spontaneous clapping as two candidates offered her the vice-presidential spot on their tickets.

The festivities came to halt, however, after Fr. Albert Henry, a distant relative of Patrick Henry and a convert, spoke to reporters after the Mass, saying "Look, I'm a Catholic before an American and a friend of God before I am a descendant of a patriot. We joke in my family that the state motto changed for us from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Live Saved or Die'." Then he took copies of the Bible and the Catechism and strode into the parking pot, where the candidates promptly packed up and left, except Huckabee, who was up for a quick Bible study, and Kucinich, who was volunteering to donate the other candidates' surplus of coffee to the Church's soup kitchen.

--I.C.

(Free trade coffee's always on at Humor-Blogs.com.)

7 comments:

Kevin said...

I actually took this seriously in my RSS-reader. That is until the very end, where I saw the post was signed IC.

Ray from MN said...

Deeeeeee-lightful, I.C.

I'm following the New Hampshire primary like I never have in my life. I'm kinda hoping they all lose, although there are a few of my favorite losers.

The Ironic Catholic said...

"My favorite losers" (heh heh heh)

--you should be writing this, Ray!

SherryTex said...

To give the cameramen some footage they could use, during the actual mass, which surprized many of them, as they weren't allowed to use the pulpit during the service, the candidates milled around in the parking lot and finally talked about how they've always admired Catholics and took the opportunity to remind everyone how they are eerily similar to JFK, who as everyone knows, was Catholic and a president.

CMinor said...

An FFV in NH? I dunno, IC...

PraiseDivineMercy said...

What is FFV? I confess my brain translates this as "Final Fantasy 5."

CMinor said...

Oh, sorry--First Families of Virginia.

I figured the IC would recognize it.