Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Monaghan Announces New College Bowl: "The Pepperoni Pan Pizza Domino's Catholic Bowl"

Naples, FL: Tom Monaghan, owner of Domino's Pizza and philanthropist of conservative Catholic causes, announced today that December 31, 2008 would be different in College football bowls: he intended to found and host the "Pepperoni Pan Pizza Domino's Catholic Bowl."

"I first got the idea when I saw that some San Diego credit union had its namesake on the Poinsettia Bowl. I mean, I could see Capital One or Meineke Car Care branding college football, but a local credit union? So putting my foot in that shallow pool seemed reasonable," offered Monaghan.

The real difference, however, is that Monaghan wants to make the Domino's Bowl a showcase for Catholic orthodoxy. The teams will be selected from Catholic universities, but that is just the beginning.

"Basically, we're going to live it. Coaches and players need to elevate their ethical behavior and sign an oath of fidelity to the Catholic Church. Cheerleaders will wear modest attire, and rowdy fans will be ushered to the temporary chapel next door for prayer and confession, if they so wish," said Monaghan's representive, Mary Louise Donahue. "First tickets will go to the poor, then to those in religious orders, then to those students from the opposing schools. And the bowl will be December 31st, avoiding playtime on a Holy Day of Obligation."

When asked if the strict moral standards were going to create a problem, given the raucous nature of the football culture in the United States, Donahue shrugged. "Pope Benedict says the future lies is a small but beautiful Church. Perhaps the future of American sports lies in a small but beautiful college bowl." When asked to elaborate, she admitted she was a simple believer in the Catholic bowl, and had no idea what that statement meant.

ESPN Sports commentators were "cautiously excited" about one more bowl to replace airtime currently occupied by Australian bowling, but may have misunderstood the intended nature of the project. "I'm interested because those Hail Mary passes make for ultimate TV viewing. Any bowl with more of those--I'm all for it," said a commentator who wished to remain unnamed.


Related story: Coming to a Bowl Near You: The Halftime Angelus!

(...and it's always 3rd and 56 at Humor-Blogs.com.)


angelmeg said...

Please don't give the man any ideas.

PraiseDivineMercy said...

After the Catholic gated community, I was willing to think this was real until I read the article about ESPN being "excited" about it. Personally I need the man is awesome. Domino's is one of the few places I buy from where I don't have to worry about where my money is going.

Glad to see you back!

Angela said...

This has to be one of my favorite lines of all time: "When asked to elaborate, she admitted she was a simple believer in the Catholic bowl, and had no idea what that statement meant." I got tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard. THANKS, IC!

Intrepid Mother of the Front Pew Crew said...

Happy New Year IC; I am glad to have you back.

I'm looking forward to hearing news about the PPPD Catholic Bowl in future blogs. Brings to mind both March Madness and the soccer game between the philosophers...