Monday, March 10, 2008

Lenten Deep Thoughts: The Sore Throat Apologetic

(An occasional Jack Handey-ish series.)

I was trying to swallow and squeeze back tears in Mass today, as my throat felt like someone turned it inside out and scraped it with sandpaper. Then the perfect apologetic for the fullness of Catholicism floated before my tear-filled eyes, a vision of clarity and truth. The reason I am fighting some virulent cousin of strep is because our parish didn't celebrate St. Blaise's feast day--on a Sunday this year--with the blessing of the throats. Thus says the Lord, so it is revealed the reason our Protestant brothers and sisters hack their way through March*: they don't intercede to St. Blaise, blessed patron of throats; therefore, they may be saved through baptism but endure a fiery living death of the sore throat every Spring. Those viruses KNOW things; indeed, being without free will, they cannot lie. Therefore, Catholicism contains the fullness of the faith. It was abiding comfort to my soul, as I waited for the sacred moment to pop a lozenge after Communion.


*Ok, can you prove they don't? Has anyone asked? Thought not. For all we know, Luther made the big break and sore throats in Germany rose by 200%. Insight is all about asking the unusual questions, folks.

( sometimes causes me to squeeze back tears too.)


CMinor said...

Good Lord--you mean all that dismal German weather is Luther's fault?

Claire said...

My faith in St. Blaise was reaffirmed this year, after I spent an entire weekend taking care of my flu-infected boyfriend, got my throat blessed that Sunday, and did not even get a sniffle.

The deep thought made me laugh, but I you feel better soon!

Meredith Gould said...

See? This is exactly why I felt very disturbed when St. Christopher was demoted off car dashboards. Has anyone checked the car accident rate among Catholics since that happened??

Feel better. Hope it doesn't morph into that dreadful "kennel cough" thing.

philangelus said...

My experience has always been the opposite: I get my throat blessed and then the next day I'm down for a week with some horrendous sore-throat bug that no one else has ever even heard of.

I always figured St. Blaise didn't like me because I only ever thought about him at throat-blessing time.

Jeff said...

That is very funny.

I'm hoping the washing of my feet on Holy Thursday will clean up that nasty toenail fungus I have.

Just kidding!!!

lgd0708 said...

To complement the IC's deep thought - a couple months ago, my sister-in-law former Catholic who now attends a mega Rock n' Roll Bible School ecclesial community, attended a Mass as part of a family event, went up to receive communion, and a few days later, came down with a bad case of shingles. First thing I thought of was St Paul's Letter to Corinthians. For some reason, I don't think she would've appreciated the irony of "sola scriptura" in this instance.

Poppy Buxom said...

I think the test would be to compare sore throats and strep cases amongst high church Episcopalians who do the St. Blaise thing (and I'm sure there are some) and compare the figures to the low-church, more Evangelical parishes that don't.

It's a dirty job, but compiling statistics like that would distract them from their current imbroglio over the gay bishop from New Hampshire. And that would be a good thing.