From: The Ironic Catholic
To: The Vicar of Christ, His Holiness Benedict XVI
Subject: Your Upcoming Visit to the United States
Dear Holy Father,
Welcome to our country! Alas, unlike every other diocese in the United States, I have no prepared YouTube welcome for you. As every grade-schooler sings at one point, I have no gift to bring, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum. But I will give you what I have: helpful tips for navigating strange things that could happen in this Brave New World across the pond, and a few ways you can help us beyond the obvious teaching and pastoral role you have.
- If a political candidate for president greets you and challenges you to a game of bowling, I would gracefully decline according to the dignity of your office. That is, unless you're a secret phenomenon in bowling, in which case, crush them like grapes. Trust me, they all need the humility.
- It's probably best that you not turn on the TV. Or the radio.
- Could you bless the New York subway system? Goodness knows it needs something.
- Your itinerary is probably packed, but a public Bible Bowl with Billy Graham would be awesome.
- You're in America, and nothing says "America" like sports with grease. Try to sneak your way into a baseball game. Yes, I know you'll be celebrating Mass in Yankee Stadium, but it isn't the same. And be sure to order a hot dog with nachos and Fanta.
- If that doesn't work, just hop in to an ordinary daily mass at some point. No big liturgical reason; I'd just like to see the reaction of the presiding priest.
- If you see an ad for American Idol, it's a TV show, not apostasy. Well, actually....
- Someone will try to get you to do an evangelical play on the famous "New York, New York" song: "Start spreading the good news--I'm leaving today--I want to share a part in God! New York, New York!" Resist him.
- You know, if East Coast Catholics seem too "out there," come visit Minnesota. The 10,000 lakes are melting and the snow's almost gone. You can stay at my house; I'll try to keep the kids quiet. Oh, and could you come speak to my theology classes?
- If someone identifies him or herself as a blogger, bless them. If they mention my blog, please let me plead my case before excommunication. Thanks!
I hope these tips are a help to you. Blessings on your travel and don't drink the water.
In the peace of the Risen One, your faithful sister in Christ,
(not my baptismal or confirmation name)
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