Most Locals Shocked, Theologians Happy
Megapolis, USA: RBCU* released the results of a new study in the current New England Journal of Medicine: even if a person eliminates all trans-fats from his or her diet, that person is still certain to eventually die.
People on the street yesterday expressed shock at the announcement. "You think the way the FDA rode herd on McDonalds French Fries, immortality was on the line," said Clarice Johnson. Her mother, 90 year old Angela Frank, snorted at this reporter. "I've been eating those blasted baby carrots for 10 years instead of potato chips. Now this? Bah, I've been gypped," she spat out.
The only happy people in town were a group of seminarians students at RBCU's St. Philip Neri Seminary. Cheerfully eating fried chicken nuggets in the school's refrectory, third year student James Toleffer said, "I'm relieved to know that all those hours reading Kierkegaard have not gone to waste. I mean, the trans-fat revolution was going to be a real kick in the pants to existentialism. Now we know you can eat your veggies and still live in angst. It's awesome."
Fellow student Mark Noissome agreed. "As a future minister, I was really sweating how to preach to a bunch of newly immortal people. I mean, where is the relevance of the Gospel in a trans-fat free world? Sure, it was fun to ask whether Jesus' trans-fat free diet contributed to the power of his resurrection, but seriously, we need death. You just can't preach without it."
"'Death, where is your victory?' was the apostle Paul's question, and thanks to RBCU's Medical School, I am proud to say it is still our question," retorted Toleffer.
The deans of the Medical School and the seminary were not available for comment.
--I.C., inspired by sic
*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University