Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Study: Eliminating Trans-Fats Still Yields 100% Death Rate

Most Locals Shocked, Theologians Happy

Megapolis, USA: RBCU* released the results of a new study in the current New England Journal of Medicine: even if a person eliminates all trans-fats from his or her diet, that person is still certain to eventually die.

People on the street yesterday expressed shock at the announcement. "You think the way the FDA rode herd on McDonalds French Fries, immortality was on the line," said Clarice Johnson. Her mother, 90 year old Angela Frank, snorted at this reporter. "I've been eating those blasted baby carrots for 10 years instead of potato chips. Now this? Bah, I've been gypped," she spat out.

The only happy people in town were a group of seminarians students at RBCU's St. Philip Neri Seminary. Cheerfully eating fried chicken nuggets in the school's refrectory, third year student James Toleffer said, "I'm relieved to know that all those hours reading Kierkegaard have not gone to waste. I mean, the trans-fat revolution was going to be a real kick in the pants to existentialism. Now we know you can eat your veggies and still live in angst. It's awesome."

Fellow student Mark Noissome agreed. "As a future minister, I was really sweating how to preach to a bunch of newly immortal people. I mean, where is the relevance of the Gospel in a trans-fat free world? Sure, it was fun to ask whether Jesus' trans-fat free diet contributed to the power of his resurrection, but seriously, we need death. You just can't preach without it."

"'Death, where is your victory?' was the apostle Paul's question, and thanks to RBCU's Medical School, I am proud to say it is still our question," retorted Toleffer.

The deans of the Medical School and the seminary were not available for comment.

--I.C., inspired by sic

*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University


ArchAngel's Advocate said...

Is this confirmation the breathing is hazardous to your health?

SherryTex said...

Maybe if we banned trans fats and global warming...

Allen's Brain said...

You'll still die, but your life will be less joy-filled.

RJW said...

George Carlin once said that saliva causes cancer. But only when swallowed in small amounts over long periods of time. I also saw a study paper that showed that 100% of people who ate carrots from 1820 to 1860 are all dead.

Biteofpunkinpie said...

hey archangel's advocate, i could be wrong, but i think that breathing is actually hazardous to your death

Tim said...

I like you! You're funny!

angelmeg said...

What do all the people that Jesus cured in the bible have in common?

They all eventually died.

This was one of the ways I began my discussion of the four last things to the RCIA.

death is inevitable we can forstall it for a while but eventually we all die.

Panda Rosa said...

100% of all smokers die.
So do 100% of all nonsmokers.
You just can't win.