Megapolis, USA: Due to being "key players in the divine economy," the theologians who comprise CARMA (Catholic Academics of Religious Minutiae Association) have requested an immediate bailout.
"We want to humble about these things, but there is a time for honesty, and that time is now. We know are critical to the smooth operation of the universal Church, and we've been living on vapors for months. We need salvation, and for the life of us, we don't know where to turn," observed CARMA president and RBCU* theology professor, Regina Christopherson. "So we stand and say to anyone who will listen: we want a divine bailout."
The announcement came out of the current headlines, when Citigroup received a bailout package from the US government. "The rumbling began with the Citigroup deal," said John Staten, CARMA secretary. "People were saying that this is another example of theologians getting no respect, just like in the book of Job. We're struggling too. We try to explain the work of God in the world and people just scream at us, and sometimes we don't even get tenure. So...we just want our piece of Thanksgiving pie. We deserve a bailout too."
Christopherson knew that executive judgments needed to be made public after President-elect Obama said the economy needed "an immediate jolt." "My brother and sister theologians were getting afroth with apocalypticism, so we decided-- in the manner of the the psalmists--to ask God for a "jolt" as well. Or fire and ice on our enemies. Or maybe a few well-placed lightning bolts. We're not picky, actually. As long as the jolt indirectly effects us in a positive manner. In case you don't know, that's the principle of double-trouble effect, people."
A minority within CARMA squietly opposed the announcement, based on questioning the book of Job through a exegetical hermeneutic of hopeful skepticism procured from the Caribbean post-colonial traditions. Dissertations on the announcement expect to be made public in early 2009.
* RBCU=Really Big Catholic University