Thursday, November 20, 2008

Theological Trash Talk Tips

Want to show affection and "admonish the sinner" at the same time? Presenting: theological trash talk that combines charity, humor, and "brotherly love" zingers. I've found it very useful to throw in at Catholic high school basketball games and within most church and university committees:

  • You lovable gravely disordered noodlehead
  • Yeah, you. This is your conscience. This is your conscience on drugs. Any questions?
  • You've really got your transcendental Thomist freak goin' on
  • You're such a cross between a Jansenist and a Cathar. Yeah, pun intended, pharisaic punk
  • Your similitudo dei needed an elephantine spit shine when you were born
  • Yo momma's like St. Monica without her faith
  • When you got baptized, that chrism oil curdled on your forehead like rancid salad dressing
  • Dude, you have free will. That Freebird song don't have nothin' to do with it. And Lynyrd Skynyrd ain't no theologians
  • When you received the gifts of the Holy Spirit, you asked for a receipt
  • You so messed up, you thought "intrinsically disordered" was a self-canceling pizza delivery
Some of my favorites in the comments:
(p.s. temptation can be averted entirely by praying with NaPraGoMo!)


Athanasius contra mundum said...

I needed a good laugh. Its been a long week.

Meredith Gould said...

Back from fasting from "online" stimulus and delighted to find this and your miracles post. Great good laughs. (Yo' Mamma...St. Monica...ROTFL)

Allen's Brain said...

Shut up and edify, Stupid!

Allen's Brain said...

"God may be merciful, but you are REALLY pushing it!"

"You see, YOU are the perfect example of why we need grace!"

"After that (call/play/action), I feel like I need to go to confession!" (Ironically, also works as a pick-up line.)

"'Culture of death,' indeed!"

Joe of St. Thérèse said...

lol, nothing like a good laugh to eliminate stress :)

LarryD said...

"If I had a votive candle for every time I heard someone say 'spirit of Vatican II', I'd have my own shrine."

"You, dude, are one decate short of a rosary."

"Nice call, ref! Maybe someone should rub mud and spit on your eyes!"

"Bring it on! I've got a whole bag of Benedictine rules here with your name on it!"

"Aww, you're so cute when you're angry. Like a cross between Philip Neri and a puppy."

ArchAngel's Advocate said...

Larry, would that be the puppy Philip Neri "borrowed" from the cardinal?

Brittany said...

"You, dude, are one decade short of a rosary." ---- LOVE IT!

Trubador said...

"Praying that you finally have your 'Road to Damascus' moment, 'cause you certainly need it!"

I use that one on occasion whenever I'm confronted by an obnoxious anti-Catholic Christian.

PraiseDivineMercy said...


"Time to beat some humility into yo' punk a**."

Criffton said...

Knowing you has given me a deeper awe for God's creativity.

DP said...

"I am the instrument of your mortification!"