Sunday, March 22, 2009

A Modest Proposal, The Sequel: Saving Notre Dame From Itself

(Backgrounder: here.)

Dear Notre Dame leadership and friends of Catholic education:

In a move of spectacular tone-deafness, the most famous Catholic university in the United States managed to place itself into deep cow pie this past week by inviting President "I just raspberried the cardinal center of Catholic ethics by re-opening Embryonic Stem Cell Research and I'm just getting started" Obama to speak at the Notre Dame commencement ceremony this Spring. And to some people's horror, he accepted.

But have no fear, gentle readership! I have a solution!

I, The Ironic Catholic, graciously offer my talents to Notre Dame to be their new, improved commencement speaker.

Here is how it goes, ND powers and friends: the kerfluffle your friendly Catholic bloggers create convinces President Obama to turn down the invitation, citing a forgotten dental appointment. In a move to appease the economically minded, I offer my services for the cut rate of $750 plus mileage. I have no idea what President Obama is getting, but I'm sure it's at least 10 times more than that. I am your fiscally responsible choice, friends.
Other advantages to an Ironic Catholic ND address:
  • All those grads aren't getting jobs anyway. Holding up a blogger as a viable career choice may sweeten the day a bit.
  • Since I'll be five months pregnant with my fourth child in May, I will be the counter-icon to Obama's policies. Granted, it will be hard to tell in that academic regalia. But still, how sacramentally sweet is that?
  • I don't require secret service protection. Although a campus tour would be nice. I hear there's a football stadium worth seeing.
  • I'll be as brief as a homily. Students will love that.
  • I'll be funny. Or at least, as funny as this blog. Hmmm. Maybe we should say I'll just be.
  • I'm willing to try to give the address in pig-Latin.
  • ...Or do the entire address in limerick.
  • I promise to include the line: "Granted, you will always have an inferiority complex, not having gone to a Lasallian university. But you will persevere and bear this cross."
  • I'll close with the Angelus.
I trust you will see the wisdom in this solution and I look forward to your invitation. I'll start my rough draft immediately.

Your humble servant,

IC

(If I just ruled the world, everything would be so much simpler, people. But my modest proposal for world domination will have to be the three-quel.)

UPDATE #2: The Minor Premise has a touching tribute to my ND offer, in limerick.

11 comments:

the Mom said...

I.C.,
To be fair, they knew what his policies would be even then.

They should invite you, and maybe me. We could tag team it. You'll be 5 months pregnant and I'll be 6 with #6. I'll bet Notre Dame hasn't seen that much pro-life action in a long time.

The Ironic Catholic said...

Mad Pregnant Moms for Life rock Notre Dame! I'm with you!

(the first sentence doesn't make sense without the deleted comments. Sorry folks.)

Dcn Scott Dodge said...

Mad Pregnant Moms for Life rock Notre Dame! I'm with you!

Here, here!!

The Ironic Catholic said...

I can see our motto now: We're mad, we're pregnant, we're theologians. Hear us roar.

(I'm enjoying this anyway!)

Sherrytex said...

This is so much nicer than the fiery letter I emailed to NCR and to the Observer, both places chose to ignore, wherein I proposed the University consider allowing the statue of the Blessed Mother to be kept in an honorary closet and only set up for special occasions when the place felt like dressing up and remembering what it was like to be really Catholic.

I love the place. I met my husband there, it's a legacy place to me, my father, my grandfather, my mother, my mother's mother...my sister and her husband...so this just ....holding a lighter for you IC and wanting Saint Mary's across the street to invite Sarah Palin.

Joe of St. Thérèse said...

:)

CMinor said...

Well, I hope they sorted out their squabble, 'cause I just wanted to say I'd love to hear you give a graduation address. And I think the school would be getting a great break!

BTW, my DH wrote you a limerick and posted it over at our place, since the box was closed.

Ray from MN said...

I'd pay to see your commencement address, I.C.!

By the way, since you are due in May, that is a good month for bloggers. Cathy of Alex is on the 8th, Terry Nelson is on the 16th and I'm on the 27th (and I do believe you are in there too). If you pick one of our days, you might benefit with more lavish baptismal gifts!

John C. Hathaway said...

Would Notre Dame students even know what the Angelus is?

The Ironic Catholic said...

Ray--FYI, I'm not due in May, I'm due in October! Let's not rush things!

G said...

My first visit here courtesy of Curt Jester...Just thought I should advise you to post a Coffee Warning before this comment:

"I can see our motto now: We're mad, we're pregnant, we're theologians."

I really choked I laughed so hard. I'd love to live long enough to see a bunch of Mad Moms on the quad @NDU with Blessed Mother's statue in the background. Of course, no MSM would cover it but maybe Curt Jester would come & take our picture!!