Dear Notre Dame leadership and friends of Catholic education:
In a move of spectacular tone-deafness, the most famous Catholic university in the United States managed to place itself into deep cow pie this past week by inviting President "I just raspberried the cardinal center of Catholic ethics by re-opening Embryonic Stem Cell Research and I'm just getting started" Obama to speak at the Notre Dame commencement ceremony this Spring. And to some people's horror, he accepted.
But have no fear, gentle readership! I have a solution!
I, The Ironic Catholic, graciously offer my talents to Notre Dame to be their new, improved commencement speaker.
Here is how it goes, ND powers and friends: the kerfluffle your friendly Catholic bloggers create convinces President Obama to turn down the invitation, citing a forgotten dental appointment. In a move to appease the economically minded, I offer my services for the cut rate of $750 plus mileage. I have no idea what President Obama is getting, but I'm sure it's at least 10 times more than that. I am your fiscally responsible choice, friends.
Other advantages to an Ironic Catholic ND address:
I trust you will see the wisdom in this solution and I look forward to your invitation. I'll start my rough draft immediately.
- All those grads aren't getting jobs anyway. Holding up a blogger as a viable career choice may sweeten the day a bit.
- Since I'll be five months pregnant with my fourth child in May, I will be the counter-icon to Obama's policies. Granted, it will be hard to tell in that academic regalia. But still, how sacramentally sweet is that?
- I don't require secret service protection. Although a campus tour would be nice. I hear there's a football stadium worth seeing.
- I'll be as brief as a homily. Students will love that.
- I'll be funny. Or at least, as funny as this blog. Hmmm. Maybe we should say I'll just be.
- I'm willing to try to give the address in pig-Latin.
- ...Or do the entire address in limerick.
- I promise to include the line: "Granted, you will always have an inferiority complex, not having gone to a Lasallian university. But you will persevere and bear this cross."
- I'll close with the Angelus.
Your humble servant,
(If I just ruled the world, everything would be so much simpler, people. But my modest proposal for world domination will have to be the three-quel.)
UPDATE #2: The Minor Premise has a touching tribute to my ND offer, in limerick.