Wednesday, August 12, 2009

If the Bible Had Been Twittered

Hi-ho, sic here. (That's Spouse of the Ironic Catholic, for the uninitiated.) I was supposed to be filling in for IC while she was on retreat; instead, I have been collapsing into bed way too late at night. Honestly I don't know how she does it.

That means that my really great post idea is going to be served up more half-baked than usual . . . but with the confidence that many of you regular commenters will take the concept and run with it.

The genesis of this idea came from a weighty theological question posed by my nine-year-old son during our family catechesis: "Why did God come to earth two thousand years ago instead of now?" Normally I am stumped by these questions that kids think up, but I know the answer to this one: Clearly, God wanted to inspire the sacred authors before the advent of Twitter, lest the Bible be reduced to a series of 73 tweets of 140 characters each, to wit:

God gives humans a good deal. Humans screw it up. God lectures humans, bails them out. Again. Codependent? No, just covenantal.

Genesis (alternate version)
More dysfunctional families than 12 daytime talk shows, but God makes them into a great nation anyway. Eat your heart out, Dr. Phil!

After ten warnings, Pharaoh goes up against God AGAIN, gets a-- kicked. LOL. But Hebs whining "Are we there yet?" gets on even God's nerves.

Rats, geckos, and bats are officially off the menu, folks. Forget about that Kentucky Fried Bats franchise concept.

Going in! Wait, someone is here already. Let's walk around the city a few times.

Stuff happens.

Stuff happens, and only God knows why.

Sure, the Assyrians invaded your country and enslaved your people. But seeing their livestock in sackcloth will be the sweetest revenge.

Gospel of John
Jesus said, "The Father is in me, and I am in the Father; if you live in me, the Father lives in you, and--" Uh, we need an editor, stat!

OMG! No, this time it's for real. Time to think up new, more pious way to express surprise.

Yeah, I know you can do better. So Twitter away in the comments box, and let's reduce the Bible to 10,220 characters or less, 140 characters at a time! 'Cause you know, those Sunday readings do go kind of long sometimes....

(More here.)


ArchAngel's Advocate said...

Wasn't the Epistle 3 John already tweeted?

Joanie D. said...

This was very funny!

Shark Bait said...

Oddly enough, if you wander over to my blog, you'll find that I am reducing the entire Bible to 66 Haikus - One for each book.

Iona C. said...

Absolutely hilarious! =)

Roz said...

Psalms: You are wonderful, alleluia. I am scum, alleluia anyway. I'm in trouble, help me. You helped me and the wicked rot. Alleluia.

Roz said...

I couldn't resist. I stole (ahem, borrowed) this for my having-fun blog.

E said...

Exodus "Awesome escape route from slavery through Red Sea? Check. Rules set in stone? Check. Golden calf? Check... oh wait... uh oh..."

Anonymous said...

Too bad the Twitter short Bible refs at don't work with these! LOL

angelmeg said...

Hosea: My wife is unfaithful, I love her anyway, she brings me children not my own I love them as my own, I take her back again and again.

ajscom said...

Thanks for this entertaining perspective on the Bible.

I've been tweeting the Revised Common Lectionary (@Lectionary) weekly passages used in the United Methodist Church. Also there is a United Methodist bishop tweeting each chapter of Psalms (@SummerPsalms).

CMinor said...

OMG! ROTFL! Could use more acronyms, though. K?

The Ironic Catholic said...

Laughing at all this--esp ArchAngel's Advocate!

Ray from MN said...


Please find Onesimus a job and a room for me. Thanks. Paul

Una Malachica said...

I'm also tweeting the Daily Lectionary as SueWhitt on

Dave M. said...

Acts: Disciples get the Spirit, build the church. Paul sees the light, spreads the word to the Gentiles. Persecution, conflict. Pork and seafood ok, but circumcision doesn't make the cut.

LarryD said...

Song of Songs: Hubba-hubba!!

Bookishmuch said...


Imagine 40,000 kids whining, "Are we there yet?" in a Middle Eastern desert. For forty years. And you gave up a shepherding gig for this....

Anonymous said...

Someone beat you to it: