Saturday, September 19, 2009

Talk Like A Pirate's Wench Wantin' Holy Matrimony

Lizzie, the Pirate Wench, has been listening to The Theology of the Body CDs is wantin' to become an honest woman this year. In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day 2009, mateys.

Lizzie: Ahoy, Fath'r! I be needin' some spiritual view from the mizzenmast.

Fath'r: Aye, Lizzie, what need ye?

Lizzie: I be thinkin', Fath'r. Ye know that me and Jack have been caboodlin' in the anchorhold fer some time now.

Fath'r: (countenance darkening) Aye, aye, 'tis known.

Lizzie: I be realizin' that Jack be usin' me for me wenchful looks. I just now be reading that "theology of th' body" stuff and am thinking we may be in a "walkin' the plank" relationship.

Fath'r: Aye, what yer doin' dunna invite fullness of life, lassie.

Lizzie: I jus' not be knowin' what to do now, Fath'r. I love the scurvy buccaneer, but I be a pirate wench all me bleedin' life.

Fath'r: Lizzie...ye dunna strike me as a lily-livered lass.

Lizzie: By the powers, Fath'r! I dunna care if you be a holy priest, there be no need to be insultin'! I can take a cutlass to ye wit' the best of the scallywags on this here ship!

Fath'r: Me hearty, 'tis a compliment. Ye need be takin' your fearlessness and tellin' Jack about the beauty of the married state. Wit'out the cutlass.

Lizzie: (defeated) But Fath'r, Jack be a swashbucklin' gentleman of fortune livin' life on the account. He be more willin' to part with all the hands' pieces of eight combined than walk down the marriage aisle. I never be hearin' of a married pirate. 'Tis unnatural.

Fath'r: Lizzie, me daughter, thinkin' yourself as nothin' but a pirate's wench be unnatural. Ye be a lass of God. Ye be created fur more than this. And what ye be doin' wit' Jack now--'tis like a life on the worst grog, lass. Ye deserve the wat'r of life.
(long silence)

Lizzie: Arrrr, Fath'r--I see we be placin' the black spot on ourselves, now, aye?

Fath'r: Aye, Lizzie. 'Tis the short route to Davy Jones' Locker. Spiritually speakin'.

Lizzie: (nods decisively) I go now and talk to Jack. The biscuit eater will respect me or I be settin' me sails. (runs off)

Fath'r: That be looking lively, lass; Godspeed! God loves the bucko even more than ye do....

(shouting to the whole deck as she picks up speed) Ye not be marooned by Christ! All hands who hav' ears t' hear, let 'em hear!

(follows swiftly to belay the weapons in Lizzie's confrontation) .
(Other piratical posts here.)



8 comments:

Amanda The Semi-Published said...

That be a mighty fine post. Arghh!
;)

Rachel Gray said...

Excellent. I feel I have now celebrated the day in proper style.

Helen said...

Does this mean that I have to wait another year to find out if Pete the Pirate becomes Father Pirate Pete? Or is the answer to that question already no?

Roz said...

Love it, love it, love it.

CM said...

TOB in pirate-speak! I love it!

CMinor said...

T'were a fine lesson on the Sacrament, lass. Arrrr!

LarryD said...

Arrr, ye be a fine tale-teller, lassie. Better than bein' keelhauled through th' shoals.

Aye, me own pirate tale appears wit' th' morrow's sun...arrrr.

The Ironic Catholic said...

Helen, Pete be discernin' the call a year yet. His landlubber vocation director be wantin' a full year of regular mass attendance.