Wednesday, October 28, 2009

"The Order By Which People Are Admitted to Heaven"

HT to The Deacon's Bench...from ND Magazine, where you should read the whole thing.

To be admitted without review by committee: children under the age of 12, sixth-grade teachers, the mothers of triplets, janitors, nuns (all religions), nurses, all other mothers, loggers, policemen with more than 10 years of service, Buddhists (see Appendix A), bass players in rock bands, librettists, gardeners, cartographers, eighth-grade teachers, cellists, farriers, veterinarians, magicians, compass-makers, firemen and firewomen, rare-book-room librarians, cobblers, anyone from the former Gilbert Islands in the South Pacific, breakfast cooks in diners, philologists, proofreaders, administrative assistants and secretaries, sauciers, mapmakers, cartwrights, cartoonists, essayists, people who manufacture thimbles, and Presbyterians (see Appendix B).

To be admitted after cursory review by committee: archaeologists, Catholics, Jews, doctors (except orthodontists; see Appendix C), plumbers, taxi-drivers, boatwrights, soldiers actually engaged in defending their clan or country from attack or threatened attack, undertakers, popes without children, longshoremen, tugboat pilots, coaches of any elementary-school sport whatsoever (precedence for basketball and Australian Rules football coaches), all other teachers, cellists, anyone who ever worked on an auction for a nonprofit, scuba divers, publishers of children’s books, people from Finland, people who sell life insurance (it turns out life insurance is something really, really close to the Director’s heart), anyone who ever took a tango lesson, hotel doormen, people who brew beer in their bathtubs, child-care-center directors, emergency dispatchers, detectives, monks, anyone in the peanut-butter industry....

p.s. Bloggers!!! Where are the bloggers???

12 comments:

Janet in Toronto said...

I love this....luckily I fall into a few different categories, one that is near the top ("all other mothers"), so I'm not despairing! I"m also a Catholic, someone who worked on an auction for a non-profit, and one who took a tango lesson, so I"m probably okay...

ArchAngel's Advocate said...

I believe bloggers fall under the web journalist clause of Appendix D. I think the rules need to be revised as Catholics fall under Appendix E along with the Mormons because of our predilection of see Our Lady in tortilla chips and Mother Theresa in grilled cheese sandwiches.

Galactic Catholic said...

I teach sixth and eighth, so I'm good to go too!

Bob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Helen said...

I TOOK A TANGO LESSON! HALLELUJAH! I TOOK A TANGO LESSON!

CMinor said...

Well, I hope He makes an exception for the orthodontist who got did our youngest daughter's mouth--the woman has the patience of a saint!

It's good to know that our local tangoing retired priest is in. But it never occurred to me that the doctrine of predestination rests entirely upon R. L. Stevenson's shoulders. Oh, and I think Pistol Pete ought to get a pass.

Anonymous said...

And the above prder of precedence is to be always observed.
Signed: God S.J.

Theocoid said...

What about Catholic bass players in rock bands? Does one condition trump the other?

Betsy (soon to be OP) said...

I'm a Catholic (soon to be) religious sister who teaches but I'm a flautist as well, what does that mean?? I'm confused!

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria!

Catholic Mom of 10 said...

Do you mind adding me to your links? I will add you to my new blog..

jean said...

Send Flowers

~*Michelle*~ said...

Hilarious! Thanks for a good morning laugh that was well needed!