(from an advertisement the previous weekend in a diocesan newspaper, not to be named)
Welcome to ADVENTure Island in the Xmas Kraziness! Yes, in the midst of pre-Christmas secular insanity, your local parish, St. Anthony Church of New London, is a beacon of quiet, reflection, and ... rock-climbing! We invite you to St. Anthony's ADVENTure Saturdays, where you and the younger set can embrace and avoid the secular economic stomp that is Xmas. You can make an advent wreath, pray with us to prepare your soul for the second coming, and try our new "Every Valley Shall Be Exalted" rock climbing wall (patent pending) in the Annunciation Commons!* We've even trained our pastoral associate, after examining the fine print on her contract, to be an eager spotter for ADVENTure minded Christians ages 8 to 88! Just another way your local church is reading the signs of the times. Come join us!
If Saturdays cannot work for you, we encourage everyone to attend the ADVENTure Tuesday nights! Believer's bungee jumping from the steeple will be provided, after a short meditation on radical commitment to Christ. What better way to observe the Christian season of hope than to hope you don't get killed on church premises? What better way to test faith and release the stress of the season?**
Just remember, whether you join us or not, to jazz up the season of Advent with real, honest, heart-thumping ADVENTURE!
p.s. Communal reconciliation service with individual confessions available on December 13 at 3pm.
*Not to be confused with the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. All rights reserved.
** These are rhetorical questions; no real answers permitted. And we already thought of Mark 16's snake handling, but we're Catholics here, people.