Monday, December 14, 2009

Ironic Answers For Baptismal Rite Questions

For the fourth time, we've gone through the baptismal rite with our children (once with each child, that is). I'm always struck by a certain existentially loaded question posed to the parents at an infant baptism. What would happen if an ironically trained parent went off script? Hmmm....

What name do you give this child?
ACCEPTABLE ANSWER:
(The name of the child.)
UNACCEPTABLE ANSWERS:
Name? You want us to think of a name too, for cripe's sake? Don't you do anything for us anymore?
Actually, we haven't decided that yet. It's between two names. Can we have the congregation vote on it?
We were thinking John, but only if we can call him "Dreegloody" instead. We assume that's OK.

What do you ask of God's Church for this child?
ACCEPTABLE ANSWER: Baptism.
UNACCEPTABLE ANSWERS:
That cool candle and white bib thingy with a cross on it.
Instant sainthood.
Make him pope by the time he's 18.
A 60% discount on Penance and Eucharist, given the state of the economy and all.
We'd like him to be quarterback at Notre Dame, actually.
A lifetime supply of free bulletins.
Do you fully realize what you are undertaking?
ACCEPTABLE ANSWER: We do.
UNACCEPTABLE ANSWERS:
Good gravy, no!
Of course not. That's why we chose kick-butt godparents.
Sorta kinda maybe.
No. But as long as we're here, couldn't you dip him anyway?
Undertaking? Are we at a funeral?
(Laughing maniacally) Suuuuure we do.

Don't try this at home.

6 comments:

Lazywife said...

snort

Anonymous said...

For our second my husband's response to the "fully understand" question was "Absolutely not." Thankfully we are an ironic parish...

Now everytime we baptize one at Mass, we laugh, and I think, "and what in the @#$% is grace for if not that!"

Rae said...

The "good gravy, no! Of course not. That's why we chose kick-butt godparents" actually sounds like a great/honest answer to me. Maybe I'd better make sure that any and all children come to me pre-baptized. :-D

Richard said...

I was always worried about only rejecting Satan's "empty" promises. Does that mean it's OK if he makes good on one?

Allen's Brain said...

Heh. Great post, as always, IC.
I finally posted again at the brain lab, and have at least one more good one (tomorrow?) before the season buries me.

verifiation: "wadmiti" - How to say "Walter Mitty" with a head cold.

ArchAngel's Advocate said...

Reminds me of the comments/snide remarks we made at and about RCIA candidates just before Easter Vigils (usually during the Vigil practice)
1. Let's get the fire hose out and do the lot all at once.
2. Did you remember to add the ice cubes to the font?
3. They're little lambs who don't know what they're in for (lambs end up as lamb chops, don't ya know...)
4. Have they read the fine print written in Sanskrit, 6 point font, and invisible in in the Baptismal contract?
God I miss teaching RCIA