Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A New Twist on Lent 2010: Mandated Donut, Heat, Missalette Fasting

Chicago, IL: In light of the penitential spirit of the Lenten season, as well as a record breaking deficit from the collection plate, Fr. Aaron Gibraltar of All Saints Parish announced a change in practice for the parish: no donut fellowship.

"We're going to get together and talk as friends in Christ Jesus, and there will be no donuts. No coffee either. And you will like it. Or offer it up," intoned Fr. Aaron from the pulpit.

It was the first of many "mandated fasting" initiatives for the parish. A letter was sent out Monday to current parishioners that the heat was going to be turned off in the church starting immediately, with a recommendation to bundle up accordingly. Additionally, the missalettes the church provides for worshippers will not be re-ordered to save money. The current missalettes were burned for warmth in the pastor's office Monday morning.

"On the up side," wrote Fr. Aaron, "those missalettes rose like incense before the Lord, inspiring spontaneous prayer to live through this financially strapped Lent. So we indeed are participating in the traditional Fasting, Prayer, and Almsgiving of the universal Church. Well, the first two, anyway."

Parishioners were non-plussed. "But I had already chosen chocolate," said 29 year old Jason Richman. "I like heat. Donuts, too." Another parishioner was bemoaning the loss of the missalette. "I'm really attached to the funky art and what the heck are we going to do, sing 'One Bread One Body' from memory every week?"

A newly discalced Fr. Aaron, burning his shoes to grill dinner, could not be reached for comment.

1 comment:

Whimsy said...

I knew it was fake before looking. There would be riots in the streets!