Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road? ...with updates

Many of these answers are three years old now, but I ran across them and laughed, and tried to add some more. Enjoy!--IC, with the amazing help of sic

Why did the chicken cross the road?
...answered with the help of the saints, writers, and a few hierarchs

Ignatius of Loyola:
For the spiritual exercise.

St. Antony of the desert:
Road?

Teilhard de Chardin:
The chicken was pursuing a teleological upsurge toward final consummation in the Omega Point of Divine Love.

Flannery O'Connor:
The chicken was struck by a truck while crossing the road, but experienced a flash of grace in the instant of its death. I prefer peacocks anyway.

St. John of the Cross:
The chicken was practicing detachment from all things northbound.

St. Augustine:
After a life of fowl debauchery, ignoring his chickenly restlessness and turning away from the peaceful goodness that is God alone, the chicken received the grace to convert, turning and walking the other way--thereby crossing the road of life versus death, praise be to God.

Thomas Aquinas:
Whether the chicken crossed the road?
Objection: It seems that the chicken did not cross the road, for chickens are accustomed to the farmyards that are the source of their food, and the hen house that is the source of their rest.
On the contrary, "And God said to Noah, 'Go into the ark, and take with you . . . seven pairs of birds of the air. . . ." -- which could not have been accomplished had the chickens not crossed the road to the ark.

Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road, as long as it had the right of way and crossed in an approved crosswalk.

St. Lawrence of Rome:
Run, chicken, run! Run from the rotisserie!

St. Joan of Arc:
He was called to lead a cock-fight against British fish and chips.

St. Paul:
Let's just hope that the chicken had a life-changing encounter with the risen Christ along the way.

Moses:
And the angel of the Lord went before the chicken, and there was a strong wind, and the traffic parted before the chicken, so that it was able to go into the midst of the road, with the traffic forming a wall on the left and a wall on the right, so that the chicken crossed the road safely. The farmer pursued the chicken into the midst of the road, and the angel of the Lord looked down on the chicken, and the traffic closed in on the farmer, so that the chicken did prevail with the help of the Lord.

Cleopas and companion:
Dunno. Our hearts were burning within us.

Father Daniel Berrigan:
Clearly, the chicken crossed the road as a nonviolent protest of the road's implication in the military-industrial complex.

Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments:
We're not sure, but if it was trying to reach across the road to hold hands with another chicken during the Lord's Prayer, we may have to butcher it.

St. Bonaventure:
Um. I didn't know Brother Chicken had a mind's road to God.

Dorothy Day:
To join our soup line. Excuse me--in all hospitality, I need to have a warning chat with that bird.

Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
The Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church declares that this joke is not in conformity with the Catechism of the Catholic Church because 1) it lacks Trinitarian organization; 2) it fails to teach about the judgment of all chickens and the real possibility of hell for all chickens; 3) it fails to mention the fallen nature of the chicken; 4) it fails to use the male personal pronoun to refer to God . . . in fact, it doesn't mention God at all. Why we are reviewing this? What was the question again?

Job:
...and while we're getting into it, why did the chicken cross the road, anyway?
God:
Who is this who dares darken counsel by asking why the chicken crossed the road? Gird your loins like a man; I will question you, and you will answer me: Where were you when I made the chicken, with its ineffectual yet tasty wings? Did you give the chicken its cluck? Is it by your wisdom that the chicken runs, flapping its wings toward the distant horizon? Did you set the foundations of the earth upon which the road runneth? Answer, for surely you are great in years!
Job:
Of what account am I? See, I will lay my hand on my mouth, and ask no more why the chicken crossed the road.

***

And last of all, three years ago from Lori:
Jesus: "O chicken, why cross the road when you can get under my wings! How often I have longed for it and you would not! Please come to me . . . I know you have free will, but . . . come back, please. . . Hey, look out for that car!"

7 comments:

ArchAngel's Advocate said...

Dear Thomas Aquinas:
Chickens are not "birds of the air" as they cannot fly. Therefore they were not able to cross the road to the ark. Therefore chickens, like the unicorn, are a figment of the imagination.

Dave said...

St Peter: I remember that loud-mouth chicken. After it crowed three times I chased it across the road to keep it quiet. Too bad it wasn't run over by a chariot! I still get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

Jean Paul Sartre ...

The chicken was in pursuit of meaning, which doesn't exist. Therefore, the chicken will only be frustrated or deluded. There really is no "other side." She will be crossing the road forever.

Judy@Learningtoletgo said...

Love them all!

vitaconsecrata said...

Question: Does the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments state that we shouldn't hold hands during the Lord's Prayer? I've been trying to find an answer to this and so far all that I've come back with has been inconclusive.

If you can point me in the right direction, please leave me a comment on my blog! Thanks!

Allen's Brain said...

vita,
maybe because chickens can't hold hands, and so it's an affront to their spirituality?

ArchAngel's Advocate said...

AB: Don't chickens have to wing it?