Friday, April 08, 2011

Temps hit 80 F, College GPA Slips One Full Letter Grade

(A re-run on the first day of hitting 60 degrees F in Minnesota.)

Megalopolis, Middle America: That slippery sound you just heard was everyone's cumulative grade point average at RBCU* sliding down one full letter grade.

"When I saw the forecast for 80 degrees and sunny all weekend--this last weekend before finals--I knew it was big trouble," said Professor Eugene Harrison of the Philosophy department. "All our senior theses were due on Monday, and the one person who turned it in? Seven pages. They were sporting nifty tans, though. It's a little known fact: the temperature outside in the last week of school has a direct bearing on student achievement."

"What do you expect?" said Ryan McCarthy, an RBCU junior. "We had a blizzard in April, and temps in the 10s and 20s for months. God WANTS us to be outside. And my laptop is on the fritz. Some days are worth taking the 'gentleman's C'. Or D."

Theology professor Regina Christopherson attempted to "teach the moment" by taking her students outside and discussing the Ignatian spiritual discipline of discernment. Student Joanna Carl reported, "We had been learning that Christians discern in the midst of trials and temptations, some of which are mutable goods that may not directly lead us to our ultimate good, our God. So she took us outside on the lawn and asked us if we had truly discerned whether kissing our academic semester goodbye was the right decision, despite the mutable good of glorious weather."

"A student then interrupted Dr. Christopherson, saying 'Professor? I think I can help discern the Holy Spirit among us.'

'You do?'

'Yeah,' he said, all blissed out. Then he pulled up a puffy dandelion head and said 'See? The Holy Spirit. Now you see it.' And he blew the seeds all over. 'Now you don't.'"

Class was cancelled until further notice (or bad weather).

--I.C.


*Really Big Catholic University

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