Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fourth Plague Discovered To Be Fruit Flies
"I realize that the biblical text says flies," wrote the bishop, "but the Hebrew does put emphasis on swarming and mixing, and your average housefly doesn't do that. These are fruit flies, mark my words."
As a collective shudder ran through the households of the Yankachane diocese, people began to extend the storyline in what the diocese admits were "unhelpful" ways.
"What??!! We're the modern day Egyptians? I don't think I've oppressed an Israelite lately, but-- you can't ignore the signs! I mean, EVERYONE is dealing with fruit flies this week, and even when you throw out the bananas, it's no use! They're everywhere! AAAUUUGGGHHHH! GOD HELP US!" noted a commenter with the handle "Getting my first born out of town" on the newspaper's facebook page.
Another anonymous commenter wrote, "I'm smashing the fruit flies as I type. They're swarming around my keyboard. Yuck. This beats the water to blood day by a mile."
In a move that was declared "a pastoral emergency," Bishop Congdon recommended repentance, conversion of life, refrigerating all open food, and the sacrifice of red zinfandel in a glass with a little paper funnel.
RBCU* biblical scholar John Croissant offered no comment.
*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University