Thursday, July 28, 2011

RBCU Theologian Creates New Atonement Theory: Debt Ceiling Theory

Megapolis, USA: RBCU* Professor of Theology Polly Ticstinck unveiled a new atonement theory based in our country's current crisis: Debt Ceiling Theory.

"As a life-long student of classical Christology, I have long presented the classical atonement theories to my students without question: ransom theory, satisfaction theory, and moral influence theory. But I have always that there was room for one more interpretation. And after hearing nonstop on CNN about reaching the national debt ceiling, I had a eureka moment: I should turn this possible worldwide crisis into a new theology article for the greater good of the academy," announced Dr. Ticstinck in a press conference at the regional meeting of CARMA**.

The article argues that one can understand how Christ's death saves humanity from the worst effects of original sin through an analysis of the debt ceiling debate, summarized in seven steps.
  1. We have a debt we cannot pay in the original sin.
  2. The debt grows and gets bigger and bigger.
  3. We either say it isn't a real problem or cannot figure out how to make it go away.
  4. There is a "ceiling" where the waffling in point #3 becomes moot, and we call that ceiling the apocalypse.
  5. The apocalypse occurs, people repent of dependance on violence and mammon (or not).
  6. All remember the suffering of Jesus that took on all our sin, and we unite our suffering with Christ's.
  7. We give away everything we own to live as witnesses to God's providence.
Initial reaction at the meeting was mixed. One professor asked if he was going to have to give up his computer. ("As we may be eating weeds and insects for sustenance, possibly, yes.") Another asked whether it was the Republicans or Democrats at fault. Dr. Ticstinck responded that was like asking whether it was Adam or Eve's fault for the original sin.

When some theologians mentioned that this was a bit on the dark side, Ticstinck rejected the notion: "Look at it this way--when the ceiling is gone, you can see the sky. And when you stop looking at it, you remember your brothers and sisters in Christ."


*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University
**CARMA=Catholic Academy on Religious Minutiae Associated

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