Monday, September 19, 2011

F'thr Pete the Pirate Receives His First Parish Assignment


A once a year series in honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, mateys. Arrrg! Pass the grog!

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Last we port Pete th' Swashbuckler, he be gettin' ordained t' th' Holy Priesthood. Now our matey an` spiritual f`thr got hisself a parish, Star o' th' Sea Church. The Bishop be striding up to make a friendly call.

Bishop: Ahoy thar, F'thr Pete!

Fr Pete (smiling): Yo ho ho, it be me fa'orite landlubbing Bishop! How be ye today?

Bishop: Right fine, Pete. 'Tis a beauty of a day in God's good creation. I jus' be wanting to check and see how you be gettin' along thar.

Fr Pete: Bishop, I be doin' grand. I be havin' started all these new evangelization projects, an' th' swabbies seem t' be really respondin' t' them.

Bishop: Ye don't say now? Tell me, bucko.

Fr Pete: Garrr. Well, I decided t' start simple, be seein', an' I told th' hospitality committee they be servin' burgoo instead o' donuts after Mass fer now on. T' be in sympathy wi' th' poor, I be seein'.

Bishop: Aye?

Fr Pete: Aye, they be shoveling it down their gullet right smart when I be looking at them--and this Lent, we be servin' hardtack. And then th' Holy Church, I noticed 't be needin' a spit-shine, 't be lookin' starboard dingy fer our Lord's house. So I gave th' clistin' committee lassies some holystones an' told them t' swab 'till they be seeing their reflection in th' pews. Aye, they be a bunch of sprogs, but I be done proud. They be working 12, 14 hours on th' Holy poopdeck thar.

Bishop: Arrr, F'thr Pete....

Fr Pete: Oh, and Bishop, I be saving the best for last. When I be askin' fer lectors an' musicians, th' entire parish signed up. Ever' last mate. They be fightin' t' be first in line, I tell ye!

Bishop (forcefully): F'thr Pete, belay already--sit ye down. I be afraid somet'ing is happenin' here.

Fr Pete: Success, yer Excellency?

Bishop: Ah, no, me son. I think yer parish be frightened of ye. They be having the Davies, like.

Fr Pete: Avast, Bishop! It canna be! I be as gentle as th' cook servin' extra slop t' th' sea sick ones below deck!

Bishop: Bucko, think ye back now. Say you anyt'ing to be threat'ning, at all? No jokes about walkin' th' plank?

Fr Pete: Shiver me timbers, Bishop. I be givin' me life to Christ, and dunna joke about such a thing. All I be doing is asking the mateys from my days of livin' on the account to help out.

Bishop: "Help out"?

Fr Pete: Aye, Jack an` Jamie an` Henry asked to be baptized aft`r me ordination, an' wantin` t' help. So I be havin' them be`in greeters t' th' congregation.

Bishop (sighing): F'thr, I be speakin' clearly now: I have gott'n complaints about some o' yer mateys growling that they be wanting to "keelhaul yer souls" when the parishioners be walking in. Anot'er told a lassie "Wench, get ye covered or I be wrappin' a sail about ye" and another that th' cat o' nine tails is a hangin' in wait fer the first heretic they be finding.

Fr Pete: Arr. The buckos ar' enthusiastic, like.

Bishop: Aye, but first thin' they be hearin` in yer foyer, laddie? Tis a hospital fer sinners an' a house o' mercy, Pete. Ye know that better than most. An' yer flock, they need be knowin' that. I know yer heart be good, Pete, but yer flock nay be as tough as yer mateys.

Fr Pete: I be talkin' to the buckos smartly, Bishop. I hear ye and be takin' care of it.

Bishop: An' I be stopping the burgoo, lad. It being the day of the resurrection an all. Resurrection and burgoo, nay, it dunna mix.

Fr Pete: Righto, me Cap'n Bishop. But may I ask ye one thing?

Bishop: O' course, me son.

Fr Pete: May I be applying me new pirate evangelization approach for the toughest biscuits? ...like... Adult Faith Formation?

Bishop (pauses to think, nods): Aye, F'thr Pete, wit' me every blessing. `Tis our cross t` bear, an' ye strike ou' t` sail against that storm immediately. God go wit' ye, me lad.

Fr Pete strides purposefully into the Church, chuckling yo ho ho ho ho....



(...an' this be call'd a cliffhang'r! See ye next year!)

UPDATE! Ahoy, I see up from t' mizzenmast--thar be Cap'n Morgan's words o' wisdom at LarryD's jollyboat!

***
Photo credit.

6 comments:

Cap'n Malcolm Creed said...

I be t'inkin' of joinin' yer right fair parish, F'thr Pete, an' mebbe even headin' up the choir, aye, tis a truth. I rightly enjoy Gregaaaarrrrian chant, aye I do.

The Ironic Catholic said...

Cap'n--aye, but no cannon fire allowed in the Gloria, now. be ye willing to put down t' penny whistle n' learn ye some organ?

LarryD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cap'n Malcolm Creed said...

Aaarrr, the name be Malcolm Creed an' not Morgan Creed. Can ye b'lieve I got me own name wrong? Aye, 'tweren't the grog, mark me word, as I've not touched a drop of sauce in many a moon...

The Ironic Catholic said...

Tis yer Confirmation name, mate.

Rose of Sherwood said...

I love that the landlubbin' bishop meets his priest where he's at...namely, communication via pirate lingo.