Friday, September 07, 2012

Breaking: Cardinal Dolan To Offer Closing Prayer at National Green Party Convention, Minnesota Independence Party Convention, Local Burger King Grand Opening

New York, NY: Timothy Cardinal Dolan, president of the United States Bishops Conference, seems to be polishing his reputation as the spiritual equivalent of the Energizer Bunny. After offering closing prayers at two presidential conventions, he is on the road for his next stop as the "Pray-er in Chief": the Greens.

"The Cardinal didn't even know the Greens had a convention--well, really, none of us did--but they called and asked for equal time, and the Cardinal graciously said he would attend," admitted a brother bishop, who preferred to speak off the record.  "Then some of the Independence people in Minnesota heard about it, and offered an invitation before that anti-religionist Jesse Ventura could say no.  Once again, the Cardinal said when he's asked to pray, he doesn't need to be asked twice.  Then the new Bronx Burger King #77640 asked if he could close up their grand opening day like at those fancy conventions, and, well, the Cardinal has a heart for the working poor and the Whopper, so there he is on the schedule."

Breaking the practice of the previous conventions, portions of the closing prayers have been leaked to the press.  For the Greens:

Almighty God, Father of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Jesus, and the Earth, we know that for you, everyday is Earth Day, as on earth, every day should be God Day.  Let us embrace your Ultimate Power as the source of Life as we embrace solar energy.  Let us recognize our interconnectedness as God's creatures of the same universe, including those yet to be born.  Let us remember that human beings are part of your creation as well, and that we desire policies, any policies, beyond a love of cleaner fuels and organic energies and "I don't celebrate Easter so let's have an Earth Day parade" celebrations....

For the Minnesota Independence Party:

Almighty God, Father of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Jesus, yea, even Jesse, we praise you and plead that you give this party direction and purpose and an awakening to Your will.  A shoot will spring out from the stump of Jesse, your Holy Word says, and so we plead that the shoot may be, for example, a platform.  Almost any platform.  ...

And finally, for the Burger King:

Almighty God, Father of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Jesus, you gave us manna in the desert, the original fast food.  We pray that your blessing may descend on this restaurant and its workers, who in turn remember that you are the true King of Kings.  We pray that the Whopper may feed those in need and be worthy of its name and caloric content.  We pray that the department of health is kind and merciful to these, your people, and grades the restaurant as clean and safe.  May we thank the Lord for all good gifts, burgers to shakes to fries to Bacon add-ons, forever and ever!  Amen!

Cardinal Dolan could not be reached for comment, although his secretary did mention portions of the prayers were released pre-event to prevent unexpected booing.  And she was relieved we weren't another convention coming to call.

--I.C.

p.s. We love ya, Cardinal.  Really.  Light humor here.

2 comments:

Jeanne Pergande said...

Loved it.

Sid said...

I laughed and then I stopped and thought about it for a while, and then I wondered...we are a Church with open and welcoming arms!