Monday, March 11, 2013

Liturgists Worry About Conclavular Distractions During Rehearsals For Holy Week

Metropolis, USA: The liturgical commission of the Metropolis diocese, meeting for a Saturday workshop at RBCU*, was clearly looking a little frayed.

"This is usually not our best month, before Easter Sunday," laughed commission secretary Diana Tuberville nervously, "but the upcoming conclave has our directors of music in a panic.  No one is practicing the parts.  Everyone is swapping papabile articles by John Allen and Sandro Magister and setting their cell phones to ."

One liturgist, who asked not to be named, admitted "I'm going to shoot our deacon before the month is out.  He HAS to learn the Exsultet and its not easy--it got harder with the new translation too.  Instead, he admits that he intends to practice it every night and then gets sucked into what didn't happen in Rome today.  He can't ad lib this thing!  What if the conclave lasts a couple of weeks?  We're toast, I tell you."

RBCU Theology of Liturgy professor John Clintock, author of the book Liturgy in Hard Times: Praying with Love, Cracking the Whip, was the featured workshop speaker and addressed this most potent of distractions.  "First, I recommend that you create a dead zone in your Church--no cell phones, no tablets, no radios.  Or get everyone in the choir to turn their gear, turned off, and leave your cell on for emergencies and the 'habemus papam' text.  If these don't work, get out your hardest piece and make them do it without a run-through.  I don't care if you're a Gather parish--pull out some Palestrina is you have to. Hopefully that will put the fear of God into them and let the Holy Spirit take care of the conclave."

While fellow liturgists found that to be sound advice, many leaving the workshop were still bleak.  "Liturgists can't compete against the Pope.  I know I'm going to be reduced to singing Kumbaya with an autoharp Easter Morning," moaned Stacey Winston.


*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University

1 comment:

DC Montreal said...

Papal Conclave: older Cardinals’ weak bladders require installation of portable Vati-Cans