Thursday, October 31, 2013

Bishop Augustine Saes Takes On The Donutist Heresy

New York, NY: Bishop Augustine Saes is not holey, and he wants everyone to know about it.

"I didn't intend to take on the Donutists when I stepped before the ambo, but the Holy Spirit drove me to speak," admitted the bishop.

In this past Sunday's homily, the Bishop shocked his flock by publicly challenging the little old ladies in charge of hospitality, who called themselves Donutists.

"I know--it has been said--that I am not worthy to be a bishop by the Donutists, who claim that my love of sweet sugar pastries is not pure, and that I have indulged the the spicier side of life," declared Bishop Saes.  "Yet I tell you that I was not always holey, and stand here before you only by the sweet grace of God."

"Who before us is worthy?  Who has not strayed into the hot pepper aisle of Trader Joes?  But God made me worthy, and the Donutists' fixation on the quality of my sugar intake is old news.  The new news is the depth of God's mercy, forgiveness, and bavarian cream filling."

The committee president of St. Cyprian's Donutists, Maybelle Knutson, was taken aback by the public scolding. "We only want good and holey bishops here.  It could be scandal to see your bishop eat pickled habernero peppers, if you know what I mean.  I know others have asked, how can I trust a man who didn't grow up loving donuts?  We have it on good account that he once stole pears from a tree outside of Dunkin Donuts.  Really, who can explain such a thing?"

Diocesan theologian Fr. Brian Cahill admitted this could all be clarified through the old Latin phrase ex opere operato: the sacraments are valid in the doing, not the hot sauce eater who does the doing.  "I believe Bishop Saes is in the clear.  I myself have indulged in hot salsa in my youth.  But he, and I, and all good Christians are devoted to the power of a good donut."

One pastor, who asked for anonymity, wondered if we could just go back to serving bland baked fish after mass, like they did in the early Church.

--I.C. (with a little help from Daria on facebook, thanks!)

p.s. Last Day!  If you help my friend Renee by donating to her adoption find at Reece's Rainbow--any amount--you could win $200 in giftcards!  Sharing on fb and twitter counts for an entry as well.  See this post for more!

1 comment:

Jeff said...

It's quite easy to instigate a heresy, intentionally or otherwise. In our household, we once had to deal with a self-inflicted controversy we called "The Donutist Heresy" too...

You see, when the children were little we enticed them towards good behavior in church by promising them that they could have donuts after mass if they behaved and comported themselves well. Perhaps in this we were too successful. Over time, the donuts became expected, then demanded, until it finally came to the point where the purchase and consumption of donuts became an almost integral part of the liturgy itself. In fact, if there were no donuts to be had shortly after the recessional it might even lead them to question if it was really a "valid mass."