Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Local Man Uses The Word "Perichoresis" After Freebasing the Church Fathers

Theological pseudoephedrine.
A local man, identity withheld until his family is notified, has been taken into police custody after repeatedly using the theological term "perichoresis" in public.  He has been charged with speaking under the influence of the Church fathers.

"Dude, I couldn't help myself.  Those sweet Cappadocians got me hooked bad.  Once I began Gregory of Nyssa's Life of Moses, I couldn't stop.  And then it became a daily habit, you know?  I was waking up early, reading Athanasius' Contra Gentiles.  Every work break I was frantic, checking out free reads in CCEL on my IPhone.  I tried to hide it, I tried to keep reading contemporary writers.  But I had to get back to 4th century, you know? This is my koinonia, brothers!" babbled the arrested man in a written confession.

Officer Tim Johnson said "Clearly this is a very sad case. He was trying to hide his habit from friends and family for weeks, but after freebasing on the Post-Nicene Fathers volumes, he began including "perichoresis" in every sentence he used.  Like 'Have a very perichoresis day!'  It just didn't work for his employer, the Target Corporation.  So we were called in."

The man was arrested after Target shoppers gathered around, watching him try to "do the dance of one in three," as one witness called it.  The witnesses suggested it looked a lot like the polka with a little hip hop kick.

Officer Johnson said that the man, having confessed he was under the influence of the early Church fathers, will likely plea-bargain to a detox clinic, most likely a local retreat house.  "This is a tricky thing though.  Almost anything can trigger a relapse: five syllable words, the smell of musty books, paying any attention to a church liturgy," he admitted.


p.s. Wrote a book with perichoresis in it, but lots of easier words too.  You could buy it here.

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