Attendees at Flannery O'Connor Conference Meet Dire End

Fifty literary critics and fans of the famous Southern and Roman Catholic writer Flannery O'Connor met a gruesome end at their annual conference celebrating her work in Atlanta, Georgia.

While the antendees ate fruit and omelets at a closing champagne brunch celebrating her life, a lame waiter placed a basket of bread on the head table and interrupted the speaker by pulling out a Gideon Bible and reading loudly from the psalms. As people began to fidget and a man rose to pull him aside, the servant shouted "The lame shall enter first! The violent shall bear it away! Judgment day!" and tossed a nearby orange into a lit chandelier, which then crashed to the ground and ignited a quick-spreading fire. As people rushed away from the fire and toward the exit as one, he chanted repeatedly "everything that rises must converge" as the stampede crushed many underfoot.

Hotel management was called to the scene immediately. As they hissed "We don't believe no Jesus freaks," surrounding the waiter with guns, he began tearing out the pages of the Bible with his mouth, and eating them. Interpreting this as a threatening gesture, the management shot the waiter dead. As he bled on the carpet, an ugly homeless woman wandered in the room and said "Wise blood." Then she ate the fallen orange and dropped dead.

--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #7: Beware of False Papal Organists

Not exactly in the "false prophets" arena, but still, a true (!) story:

There's only one Vatican organist, but the threat of others looking to make a name by claiming papal endorsement has prompted an official warning against fakes, Italian media reported.

"Any other person claiming the same title and the same merits is an imposter," wrote Cardinal Francesco Marchisano, archpriest of Saint Peter's Basilica, in a letter quoted by the ANSA news agency.

...The warning was apparently aimed at a young Italian organist, Massimiliano Muzzi, who has billed himself "the organist of Pope Benedict XVI" ahead of a tour of the United States, Germany and New Zealand.

The first clue was when he warmed the pipes with "They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love."

--I.C.

Benedictines Skew National Poll on Patience, Called "Curvebusters"

In groundbreaking news, the Associated Press released a poll proving that Americans are impatient.

What it didn't mention was that the poll needed to be redone, given that their first "random" sampling, thanks to a hacker, was entirely comprised of Benedictine monks.

"We thought it was odd we were getting so many phone calls from the AP, but didn't think any more about it," said Brother Thomas Latterin, abbot of Sacred Heart Monastery in rural Arkansas. "But one of the brothers became curious and asked for a follow-up."

One of the questions, "When waiting in line in a store of office, how long do you have to wait before losing your patience?" was answered by 99% of the sampling of monks at "when in line at Eucharist, I will wait for the Lord forever."

The other question, "When you are waiting on hold on the telephone, how long are you willing to wait before you lose your patience?" was answered by 95% of the monks as "However long God gives me the grace."

"The first poll results were skewed by some religious hacker, who wired our dailing program to repeatedly dial in one town, of which the residents were all the monks of the monastery," explained AP poller Raymond Green. "We wondered after a couple quoted '...they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint', which is apparently from some Old Testament prophet named Isaiah. Then we realized something was definitely up when we kept hearing bells, and the caller would politely say, 'I must go pray. I apologize. God bless.'"

Abbot Latterin said, "We actually found the results interesting. We've plenty of examples of not being suffciently patient. But the monastery is a school of the virtues: as St. Paul said, patience, compassion, kindness, humility, and meekness. That is what our community life, not mention ora et labora, are all about. It's a daily struggle to be Christ's disciples."

AP poller Raymond Green said "Those Benedictines were real curvebusters on tapping the American mood. We'll have to get that kink in the dailing system fixed before our next groundbreaking poll on Americans and humility, for sure."

--I.C.

The graphic above, from the true poll, is from the Associated Press.

Forget Bratz: Strawberry Shortcake Has a Berry Special Communicant Friend

If at first you don't succeed, try... to convince your market that they're wrong.

"The Bratz Communion doll, Chazz, did not meet our profit expectations this Spring," admitted Mattel spokesperson Jillian Johnson. "Our focus groups were surprisingly closed-minded on this point: they apparently thought the doll was sending a mixed message, ready to receive the Body of Christ dressed like a seven year old tart."

That statement, released last week, may have signaled the end of the communion doll experiment for Mattel, but apparently the pastry reference got one other doll manufacturer thinking. One of the wholesome doll icons of the 1970s, Strawberry Shortcake, is apparently going to have a new friend make her first communion next year.

Renee Williams, spokesperson for Playmate Inc., announced "We are berry happy and proud to add a communion doll to the Strawberry Shortcake and Friends line. She will join Strawberry, Ginger Snap, Angel Cake, and Orange Blossom in Strawberry Land to have all kinds of girl-friendly adventures." The Ironic Catholic secured an exclusive interview with Ms. Williams.

IC: First, Strawberry Shortcake has always been a wholesome kid-friendly program, all about being friends, playing nice, fruit-filled pastries are yummy, etc. But it hasn't had a religious connection before now. Why the change?

RW: We decided to be very brave and do as Strawberry would--reach out and remember that someone you don't know is a friend you haven't met yet.

IC: Excuse me, is your voice always that high?

RW: Doesn't everyone talk this way?

IC: Never mind. What's the doll's name?

RW: Strawberry's berry special friend is going to be named Honey Flatbread. This was one reason we thought we'd take a chance on this...the name has a religious and secular meaning and fits right into our "circle of pastry-addicted friends."

IC: Cute, but there are Catholics out there who argue that honey in communion bread is an abomination. Could there be backlash?

RW: Well...actually, someone did mention this in development...but the other option was Styrofoam Flatbread, and that option didn't test well.

IC: Understood. Will Honey Flatbread be part of Strawberry Land on a regular basis, or will she be supporting cast, like Rainbow Sherbet and Blueberry Muffin?

RW: Yes, she will be a berrylicious character in our Circle of Friends line. Like the others, she will have her companions: she will have her own filly friend, Pumpernickel Toast, a pet turtledove named Faith Wings, and her home will be filled with distinctive stained glass windows. Her first berry special adventure will be overcoming the fear of knowing no one in her Catechism class through everyone in Strawberry Land working together to help Honey ride Pumpernickel through the Castle of Dreams and across Punchbowl Pond to Ice Cream Island where she will make her first communion.

IC: Um, okay, but that makes no sense.

RW: Our target market is made up of berry special 4-7 year olds.

The Honey Flatbread doll is set to roll out for Christmastime 2006.

--I.C.
(The Strawberry Shortcake art above used with permission from Rebecca's Wonderful World of Strawberry Shortcake.)

More Humorous Catholic Haiku

The Ironic Catholic haiku contest continues.

What, you say it can't be done? From Envoy Online: numerous humorous Catholic haiku from a contest years ago. Laugh at what amuses you, ignore what doesn't. My favorites:

Red, Red, Wine

I believe deeply
that Jesus, when at Cana,
did not make white zin

--Jim Moore


New Tricks for Old Dogmas

Anathema, sit!
I told my little, brown pooch.
He did. Good doggie

--Patrick Madrid


Catholic ABCs

CCD, DRE
KoC, NCCB
O I M D Z

--Paul Thigpen

Be inspired! Contest is still running until June 12: information here!

--I.C.

Ironic Catholic Haiku Contest Announced

Hear ye, hear ye: The Ironic Catholic announces today a new challenge for those seeking to embrace humor as their second greatest strength: Ironic Catholic Haiku.

Years ago, when I first read the Salon contest results--create a haiku encapsulating an error message on a PC--I knew the power of haiku and laughing. My favorite:

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

-- Peter Rothman

Anyone who can make me smile at the blue screen of death clearly knew the power of humor. This is the kind of gentle humor we need on the net today.

For those of you who have forgotten the subtle joys of 7th grade English class, a haiku is basically a short poem in 5-7-5. The numbers stand for metrical feet or syllables. Really, read a few and you'll get it. No, it doesn't have to rhyme. Entries will be accepted until Friday, June 12th, 11:59pm CDT. They will be judged by moi, I.C., with all the attention to detail and seriousness you expect from this page. Winners will get the everlasting satisfaction of seeing their poems on this website and a middlin' cool button for you and the finalists.

Just remember--Something to do with Catholic Christianity--Humor--'5-7-5'--no attacking people--and keep it clean (of course!). If the Beat generation could do it, we clean-living-God-fearing folk can too. Um, avoid the drugs. You can submit entries, as many as your want, via this comments box or my email at ironiccatholic at yahoo dot com. Please include your email address.

Samples below (And I hope yours are better!). Have fun and good luck.--I.C.
(And more Haiku here.)

Christology is
Subtle, elegant, and terse
Heresy?...free verse

I'm very hungry
Will the Eucharist end soon?
Alas, it's Prayer Four

I pray in the night
Like a Trappist, chanting nones
Till mate jabs my ribs

Do You Love A Theologian? Or Know Someone Who Does?

Founded by concerned parents and spouses, there is a new 12 step program on the block: Theologians Anonymous, or "Friends of Will W."

Jill W. (names have been changed) said that the last straw for her was five years ago, when her husband sat down to his favorite meal, lovingly prepared by her for their wedding anniversary, and then popped open a volume of the Early Church Fathers to read at the table. "I kept it together for the meal, but I swore I would never listen to Gregory of Nyssa over lasagna again," she declared.

The support group Jill W. has founded--Enable Theologians No More--has heard these stories over and over again. Jill decided that, having created support for the spouses and families of theologians, the time for large scale intervention was right. The time was right for Theologians Anonymous.

Jill's "released theologian" Will W. has been a spearhead behind the new movement. (Released theologian is the term preferred; "reformed theologian" was initially used and caused denominationally-backed arguments and fights within the recovering groups.) "I believe in God," said Will, "but I'm not a slave to theology anymore. I used to conjugate Latin at breakfast and compare the English translation of Balthasar's Mysterium Paschale to the original German at lunch. I snuck The Summa into my data entry cubicle and tried to read an article at least once a half-hour, saying I needed to rest my fingers. I got into a heated argument with a teacher's aide about whether the Victorines "proved" the Trinitarian nature of God at my son's kindergarten graduation. Today? Well, I like to read comic books now. And watch Doctor Who. Even worship isn't a problem, since I attend a church where the pastor pretty much says 'Just love your neighbor' for every homily. I live a much less complicated life."

The traditional 12 steps are somewhat revised to accommodate the unique challenges of being addicted to theology. "Enable Theologians No More" helpfully has provided a few tips for those planning to confront their own theologian:

1. We admitted we were powerless over theology - that our lives had become unmanageable.
--This step is, unsurprisingly, the hardest one. Most theologians get into knots over the free will/predestination debate implicit in step one. An indication of addiction is spending over three hours discussing whether Augustine or Calvin was right on this topic (or one hour if the debate was between the Jesuits and Dominicans).

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
--Once again, a potential stumbling block: your theologian may digress into Whitehead and Process Theology, or worse yet, the nature of sanity as defined by Michel Foucault. Steer your theologian past these rocky shoals by encouraging speaking in plain English as much as possible.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
--The likely hot topic here is in defining the pronoun "we." We the Christian Church? We the friends of Will W.? We the world? Once the terms of other religions get into the discussion, your theologian is lost for days, at minimum. Be patient but firm.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
--Actually, searching is where theologians tend to thrive. The problem could be getting them to stop.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
--Once again, your theologian may be on firm ground here; just convince him or her this doesn't need to be a dissertation with footnotes. Citing Augustine's Confessions is evidence of backsliding.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
--For moral theologians, a possible digression into the adequacy of virtue theory awaits, but otherwise, all systems go.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
--A humble theologian... think of the challenge. Just remember, with God all things are possible.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
--If the theologian was published or a professor, despair can set in at this point. A list comprised of groups, rather than individuals, is acceptable in this circumstance.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
--Suggested amends are sincere apologies combined with soap and a bubble wand. No one can think deep thoughts blowing bubbles.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
--Setting a time limit--at most, one hour a day--for personal inventory may be helpful for your theologian.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
--"Praying only for knowledge of His will for us...." That means that knowledge of creatio ex nihilo vs. contemporary alternatives informed by chaos theory, etc., are off limits.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to theologians and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
--Just don't suggest the theologian go to an academic conference to spread the word. He/she will get sucked in, the temptation will be too great.

There has been a backlash, in the form of handouts posted at universities, and left on tables in libraries, calling itself the "Free Will" movement. Jill and Will W. are not deterred. "TA will be big," Will argued. "It's funny--even the acronym describes the person with the addiction, since most are grad school teaching assistants. I'd say it's providential, if I could remember what that meant."

--I.C.
(Who actually likes and admires 12 step spirituality a great deal. And my best friends are theologians....)

Truth Is Stranger #6: No Cream Cakes for Pilgrims to Poland! International crisis looms!

Sometimes I wonder if reporters have nothing else to do but find the most banal angle of a story. (The problematic dessert at right...yum....)

Take-away sales of ice cream and cream cakes will be off the menu when Pope Benedict XVI visits the southern Polish town of Wadowice, birthplace of his predecessor John Paul II, officials said.

"Cakes and ice cream can easily go off in summer temperatures and can pose a danger to health," said Bozena Okreglicka, a spokeswoman for local health inspectors.

"Go off"? What, like the cream cake explodes? Or...melts?

--I.C.

Eccentric, Possibly Unhinged Woman Admits She Has Not Read The Da Vinci Code

Rachel Harris (hiding, left) admits she is used to being considered odd.

For example, she owns a small TV, but doesn't have cable, much less Tivo or a DVD player. She washes her dishes by hand, and her clothes dry on a clothesline. Her idea of a good time is reading the newspaper in a public park, listening to the birds chirp and twitter.

But all that pales in comparison to what she did not do in the past three years: she has not read The Da Vinci Code.

"At first, I just wasn't interested...it sounded kind of lame and expensive, being in hardback, and I don't buy books. I go to the library. So I decided to wait. Then I got on this jag of reading Graham Greene and Georges Bernanos. That Diary of a Country Priest is amazing literature. Those books were so beautiful and rich in profound symbols and depth issues that I read them over and over, trying to absorb their words. Then when someone suggested Da Vinci, and I said I hadn't read it, he just gave the book to me. But I wasn't in the mood for a mystery drama, so I decided to read some poetry instead--and I read all of Gerard Manley Hopkins. It took a month, but then I decided to re-read it. That led to exploring some other religious poetry, like Denise Levertov. Then I saw that Dan Brown book collecting dust one day, and I decided to give it to someone who would read it. That's when my problems began."

Her intended recipient, her niece Janelle Petersen, was scandalized. "It wasn't that she was offering the book to me. It's that it sat in her house for, like, months and she didn't read it! I mean, that book changed my life. I never knew all the things the Church was lying to me about. Everyone needs to read it."

"So she gave it back to me and told me I had to read it," said Ms. Harris. "And I thought, why not. Maybe it is a diamond in the rough. I read the first two pages. But then the phone rang and I had to tend to the flowers and fix supper and wash my hair--oh, there were many important things to do. Then I returned to Hopkins and forgot about that book."

Young Ms. Petersen, 14, asked her aunt a week later if she enjoyed the book, and when Ms. Harris demurred, Petersen decided to take action. She coordinated a protest outside of Harris' house of her friends, holding signs saying "The Last Living Person Who Hasn't Read The Da Vinci Code." Petersen called the media for coverage, and, intrigued by the very idea that someone refused to read this book, covered the protest in droves. A news camera caught Harris opening the door and throwing the book toward the crowd.

In an exclusive interview with The Ironic Catholic, Harris said "I just want to tend my begonias in peace and read literature and poetry. I don't like reading middling airport novels. Is that such a sin?"

Meanwhile, Petersen has given up the fight. "She can live in the middle ages if she wants. It's her loss--reading new things exposes us to the great ideas of the world." Petersen walked off in a huff, gripping a small stack of magazines devoted to the latest articles on Bradgelina and other lofty concepts.

--I.C.

When Exodus Met Cecil B. DeMille Met John Hughes (PG-13)

Parody video, 10 Things I Hate About the Ten Commandments!
There is obscene language inside (yes, in a blasphemous context)--if this deeply offends you, don't click. But oh my, parts of this are so hilarious!


--I.C.

And it's Healthy for You!: The Sign of the Cross Kills Microbes

I, lowly satirist, bow down before a masterful spoof. It IS a spoof...right? Please?

(Hat tip to Drew at The Shrine of the Holy Whapping.)

--I.C.

NOLA "Sidewalk Prophet" Declares That Insurance Companies Libel God

Isaiah Telit is on a mission. The familiar "sidewalk prophet" of downtown New Orleans has a placard that is drawing favorable attention: "Allstate, Prudential, State Farm: Katrina was no 'Act of God'."

"God told me that He was tired of the libel and slander," whispered a squinty-eyed Telit. "Katrina, Rita, Ivan the previous year...and all these starched men in white shirts and ties hundreds of miles away call it an 'act of God' on the paperwork. God is tired of taking the blame for human evil. Global warming, fouled-up evac plans, levees never funded, protective wetlands destroyed...yeah, right, you keep blaming God."

"It isn't in the nature of God to sue the insurance companies," continued Telit, "but it is in the nature of God to hold people accountable for evil actions. So I tell you: repent and be saved, beg God's forgiveness for this blasphemy."

A local insurance representative, who wished not to be named, said that the phrase "act of God" was simply a traditional way of referring to natural disasters. "We mean God no offense. And who are you going to believe, a homeless religious nut or the insurance industry?" she said. She paused. "Um, did I mention I just work here?"

Telit said he has been getting positive comments--such as high fives and fist pumping--from NOLA passersby. "Definitely more positive response than 'the end is near' sign I usually hold," he said.

When asked if this message from God reduces evil to a mere problem that can be humanly resolved, Telit laughed wheezily. "I don't think so. I mean, look at FEMA. God help us."

--I.C.

Theologians Respond to Discovery of Liquefied Mammon at the Gas Pump

On the heels of the groundbreaking discovery that automobile fuel is composed of Mm, or Mammon, theologians of the Catholic Academic Religious Minutiae Association (CARMA) immediately announced a forum to be held at RBCU this Saturday at 1pm, in Lourdes Hall auditorium.

In a public relations release, Bob Turner of RBCU announced "Six local theologians involved in CARMA will be presenting papers that attempt to delve into the ontological depths of the recent discovery of Mm and gasoline. People are encouraged to come and participate in the thoughtful examination of this juncture between faith and getting to work."

The papers announced are:

"'I wish I knew how to quit you!': Can't get to God in a Hummer"

"Igniting the Fires of Hell With Gasoline: Symbols, Society, and Sinfulness"

"What Happens When Sin Costs $3.00 a Gallon, and It Used to be Free?"

"Ethanol: The Not-so-innocent Mixture of the Earth and Evil"

"Hybrids: Or, 'the lukewarm I will spit out of my mouth'"

"'My yoke is easy, my burden light' and the Chemical Weight of Mm"

The public is encouraged to attend by walking.

--I.C.

Scientists Discover Gasoline Is Liquefied Mammon

In a discovery that explained the soaring costs of gasoline, scientists at the French Institute of Applied Science and Research found that the elements of 99% of gas sold at the pump to be pure Mammon.

"Sacre Bleu!" muttered an amazed lead scientist, Pierre Marcel. "I am a firm believer in the rule of scientific method, that data and research tell us all we need to know. But our training never prepared us for this."

For decades gasoline was thought to be made of hydrocarbons, according to Chemistry 101. However, the black stuff coming out of the pump at randomly chosen stations worldwide is a new chemical element in the periodic table, recognized as "Mm." "It is the heaviest element we have ever discovered," observed Marcel. "I don't know why we didn't see observe before. It physically weighs down the vehicle, making the engine work harder, and therefore needing more Mammon-gasoline. Insidious stuff. C'est incredible."

The more problematic question is how liquefied Mammon became a part of the world gasoline supply. "We checked into that, but it isn't clear" said Marcel. "The mammon isn't coming from any particular oilfield--it's everywhere. As soon as a car, SUV, van, whatever pulls up to a station pump, something changes in the chemical composition of the gasoline--and when the liquid runs through the hose into the vehicle--we have people 'serving' mammon into their cars."

Catholics and other Christians worldwide observed an immediate boycott on driving to Sunday Mass, in order to serve God rather than Mammon. "It isn't so bad; I need the exercise and it was costing an arm and a leg to fill up," commented boycott organizer and local member of St. Athanasius Catholic Church, Joanna Taylor.

"Nice to see you folks joining the program," joked Samuel Bernstein, an orthodox rabbi of Temple Shalom downtown. (Most orthodox Jews do not drive on the Sabbath.) "Let's serve the Holy One, and not Mammon, together--who knows, these chemists may have just created a new interreligious dialogue."

Next time: Theologians respond to the crisis.

--I.C.

Photograph reprinted with permission from the Harvard Satyrical Press website.

A Mother's Day Poll: Which holy mother could you best emulate?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Please add your own thoughts in the comments section.



--I.C.

Truth is Stranger...#5: Contact God Through the Internet, He Has Wifi

Ok, this website is setting this up as a joke (mostly). Post your questions. Then post your answers. Not sure where God comes in, exactly. In the connection?

Serious question for God of the week:

Ask Questions for God
at the Blue Pyramid.

Funny question for God of the week:

Ask Questions for God
at the Blue Pyramid.

Personally, I think these questions call for...the Communion of Saints! Stay tuned!

--I.C. (who is swamped at work and may not be "reporting" regularly until the 17th. Mama mia!)

Spark Notelets for Encyclicals: "Selling Like Hotcakes" Enthuses Creator

Who says theology doesn't pay?

Luke McNamara, a graduate theology student at St. Catherine's Divinity School in Palo Alto, found a way to do good and earn his rent: summarizing recent papal encyclicals in one to three pithy sentences.

"It came to me when I was standing in line, waiting to donate plasma through those blood machines so I can buy more rice and beans...maybe I could make enough money to eat a square meal if I did this. I pretty much have to do it for class anyway, although with a little less attitude. It was worth a try."

McNamara contacted Spark Notes, a popular study aid for the classics in Literature, and proposed "'Divine' Spark Notelets" on encyclicals, dogmatic constitutions, and other "dry as sand in the Sahara" theological documents coming out of the Vatican and regional bishops' conferences. The company gave him the go-ahead and a contract, and off he went. The notelets are available online at the company website for fifty cents a notelet.

"And you know, I don't feel at all guilty about this," McNamara, a future teacher, offered without prodding. "I'm just giving people a good start in their continued in-depth study of the document. That's what Spark Notes says anyway, and I'm sticking to it. And they're selling like hotcakes--I've also gotten to eat meat once or twice a week since I made this deal, and that has been a welcome change of pace."

The company has been very quiet about examples of the notelets, but agreed to release three as "a taste of how this aid can help readers better understand the main points of a text in a timely and testable fashion," said Spark Notes representative Amy St. John.

So here they are. And let's be theologically careful out there.

Evangelium Vitae (John Paul II, 1995): All life comes from God and therefore has dignity that can't be given, sold, acted, or taken away. So don't just say it, act like that's true, dang it. Even if you are a politician.

Pacem in Terris (John XXIII, 1963): Yo, Khrushchev and Kennedy! For the love of God, BACK AWAY from the red buttons. Take a deep breath and say it with me: Nuclear warfare is WRONG.

Rerum Novarum (Leo XIII, 1891): The industrial revolution really, really, really stinks bad. Human rights are coming soon; unions too. Just remember you high-handed secularists: you heard it here first.


--I.C.

Australian Miners Saved from Death, Satan Ticked Off

After two miners were unexpectedly rescued after being trapped 3,000 feet under the earth's surface, the voice of evil left message that he was annoyed.

"Not about their puny lives; that's small potatoes to me," said a being who signed himself "Screwtape of Satan's Lowerarchy" in a Fed Ex post left at our offices. "But the whole context of it was ridiculous. A nation praying. People riveted to the TV hoping for positive news. Postponing funerals in hope that some doomed men could attend. People working day and night to comfort family members, and others to preserve two miserable lives. It's like a group of people recognizing that a human life is worth something. Where do they get those idiot ideas?"

"And one more thing," Mr. "Screwtape" continued. "All that crying at the end, when the miners broke through to the air and punched it in 'victory.' I utterly despise it when people use their emotions to revel in something their God calls 'good.' It's really too much. If someone felt duty-bound to rescue some people from immanent death, they needn't be showy about it. Just spit in the dust when you're done and go home already. I don't get that... whatever they call it... joy. You people should pay attention to me! I can make you cry, people! I deserve your 24-7 attention! Because"

At this point, the text ended, and the paper was burnt to a crisp. An exorcist was calmly called in and the office went back to viewing the rescued miners story, singing the Doxology with an Aussie accent.

--I.C. (with apologies to C. S. Lewis)

Catholic Entrepreneur Creates More "Smokey the Sage Catholic" Slogans

Francis Delton, who is apparently the force behind the rejected slogans advertizing the great state of New Jersey, is rededicating his efforts to the "Smokey the Sage Catholic" campaign to improve the state of Catholic moral life.

"Someone mentioned that Smokey the Bear doesn't hoot," admitted Delton, "but other than that it has been well-received. Bears, owls...those woodland animals all look the same anyway."

The new slogans, unveiled this morning, met mixed reactions from unnamed members of the USCCB committee on the Church and the Media Communications.


"A good attempt, and addresses the confusion between the fires of Gehenna and the fire of the Holy Spirit," admitted our source, "but it isn't exactly catchy, is it?"








"Maybe this would get people to look into natural law--but I doubt it," mentioned another anonymous source on the committee. "It isn't like anything else has made it popular."










"I like the humor but somehow I don't think this gets at the heart of the Theology of the Body," frowned our second source.










"Maybe Just War theory and pacifism isn't ultimately sound-bite-able," mused our second source. "Maybe we should actually get Catholics to, I don't know, read a book on the subject? And do bears actually hoot?"


Delton promised to continue to work on this campaign. "Morality is clearly in decline and I'm on it. I'm not going to blow it this time, like I did in Jersey. I'm on a mission from God. Hey...now there's a good motto...."

--I.C.

Thoroughly heretical, but I laughed

Sunday May 7th's Pearls Before Swine

--I.C. (repentantly off to church...hoping God continues to have bad aim)

Truth Is Stranger...#4: The Kingdom of God is Like a Soccer Field...

...where all the birds of the air could shelter in its goal nets.

Jews to referee vicars against imams in pre-World Cup friendly
Wed May 3, 4:02 PM ET
BERLIN (AFP) - Christian ministers will tackle Muslim imams in a pre-World Cup friendly officiated by a Jewish referee as part of an initiative aimed at increasing understanding among religions, it was announced.

It's not a Monty Python sketch; see for yourself: the "goal" of interreligious dialogue in contemporary culture.

Wait a minute, Ecumenists--don't feel left out! From the same article:

Churches of different Christian denominations are also organising a series of events including festivals and concerts under the banner "kickoff2006 - Kick-off Faith," using football's global appeal to promote tolerance and unity.

"Kick-off Faith"? Did you think they thought that title through?

--I.C.

All Together: "In the city or in the woods..."

"...help keep Cath-o-lics...looking good. Hoot hoot!"

Could you sing that? Then the latest call to the moral life may be for you. A local webmaster has released a new web campaign to raise the moral conscience of Gen-X Catholics by incorporating a nostalgic favorite of 1970s public service announcements: Smokey the Bear.

"I think it will go over big," said Francis Delton. "I mean, it just came to me, and I couldn't get the d$%^ jingle out of mind for three days. That has to have an impact on the formation of moral character, right?"

Delton is using The Ironic Catholic as a resource for others to keep pride at bay. "Pride is one of the cardinal sins, you know," he said. "And whoever this I.C. character is ...clearly she has no pride whatsoever. I mean, she laughed when a mack truck hit her, for crying out loud. That isn't humility, but it's definitely weird. Weirdness may not be a virtue, but it isn't a sin, and therefore moral improvement in the Christian life."

Delton plans to roll out his "Smokey the Sage Catholic" moral pronouncements over the next few weeks.

--I.C. (Hoot hoot!)

"The Fall of Santa": Reliance on Spell-Check Causes International Crisis for Children

A seminarian in the United States, relying upon spell-check to cover his theology term paper, has broken the hearts of children all over the world. Santa, it appears, has fallen.

The student, who prefers not to be named in his article, was required to post his paper on the web for other students in his class to critique. The paper's topic was the fall of Satan as explained in traditional Catholic theology. Due to, as he says, "extreme sleep deprivation," he inadvertantly typed in Santa for Satan.

"I did do spell-check; I'm not a total slacker," he said. "But I was tired and focusing on footnotes and my thesis statement, and my eyes just glazed over the 'Santa' piece."

The mistake would have been harmless (but to his grade) had it not been picked up by bloggers worldwide. The paper catapulted to fame across the internet, putting his class' paper critique webpage at a page rank 9. The paper has been deleted from the page, but the harm has been done.

For example, quoting the paper: "The embodiment of evil and it's work in the created order is best exemplified through the Fall of Santa narrative. Santa rebelled against God, the source of goodness and love, in preference for self-interest and hatred. Santa is presented in the tradition as a trickster, a deceiver, and an evil influence: especially to those who do not realize his evil ways, he is the narrative source of all evil acts."

Several countries declared the situation a crisis. A typical response was experienced by Ronnie Ottgard, age seven, when he encountered the webpage in his second grade classroom at St. Bernard's Elementary in Fairview, Georgia. "It was just crazy," he said. "I was scared and knew it couldn't be true, but I showed it to someone and before you knew it, the entire class was bawling." His teacher, Mrs. Regina Hartman, agreed with his assessment. "It was one on my worst days as a teacher. Students were actually throwing up over this. I knew something had to be done."

Mrs. Hartman contacted the nameless seminarian and asked him if he would visit her class and explain the error. He has agreed to do so, although it would require driving across the country. In the meantime, he has sent the class a new, short paper for the teacher to read aloud. The paper is entitled "The Unvarnished Truth: Santa is NOT Satan, He's God St. Sick."

--I.C.

"A Day Without a Pole": St. Stan's CWL Refuses To Go Inside Senior Center Today

Anne Sokolowski, a member of St. Stanislaus parish in New Warsaw, Michigan, is planning her own version of today's "A Day Without An Immigrant" protest, intended to draw attention to the plight of illegal Mexican and Central American workers in the United States.

"I was talking to the Catholic Women's League at the parish Sunday," said the spry 90 year old, "and we were saying we were immigrants too. Our beloved John Paul II and the homeland embraced the virtue of solidarity with those striving for human dignity. So that's what we're going to do. We're going to join them en la lucha."

A friend in the CWL, Florentyna Wadewitz (88), admitted this idea was a little confusing to her. "I think Anne is right, but what are we supposed to do? Latino immigrants are staying home from work today. We're all retired at this parish. There are no protests in town, some of us are in walkers and wheelchairs, and half of us are on oxygen anyway. So we had to think hard about how to show solidarity with this movement."

In the end, the group (pictured above right) plans to disrupt their daily Monday activity--knitting prayer shawls at the senior center--and plans to sit outside the senior center downtown with placards, in what they call a "Combination Knit-in-Sit-in." The placards, made Sunday afternoon, state "Solidarity: Guest Worker Program Now," "A Day Without an another Immigrant," "We (heart) Poland, Mexico and the USA", "'We Belong to Each Other'--Mother Teresa," "Pierogies and Empanadas: same food, same human beings", and "We may be old but we're spunky and right."

Mrs. Wadewitz is looking forward to the event. "We haven't been so energized in I don't know how long. And maybe I can get some suggestions from the hecklers on embellishing my prayer shawl. I'm hoping to make it look more like a poncho, but I've only got 12 hours."

--I.C.