Humor With A Point: Why We're Right On The Stem Cell Debate

Or "I Love Stephen Colbert Part III."

Hat Tip to American Papist, and then The Word for helping me find a current available video version....

Church Mice Edge Pastoral Ministers On Wage Scale

Eventually, it had to happen. Lay Ecclesial Ministers, despite the validation and encouragement given by Co-workers in the Vineyard of the Lord--the USCCB's recent document on their work--have been edged out by the proverbial church mouse on the ecclesial wage scale this year.

"I am called by my baptism and fulfilled in this particular vocation," said Betty Grabell, a pastoral associate at St. John the Baptist Church in Middletown, Wisconsin. "I love my work. But I get tired of stretching every penny and still dealing with debt. Here's a joke for you--'what's the difference between a pastoral minister and a pizza?'" Pause. "A pizza can feed a family a four. Ha. ha."

The church mice, which read Catholic Social Teaching pamphlets in the back of the churches and have since unionized in the past year, are now getting 10 morsels of cheese an hour, plus overtime pay during Advent and Lent. This puts them ahead of the pastoral ministers by a whisker. Bats in the belfry are still flapping about dead last, however.

"We're clinging to the Church's preferential option for the poor and vulnerable, blind, ugly, flying creatures of the night," noted a bat, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

--I.C.

A Match Made In Heaven: The Enneagram Meets Sudoku

The ironic guys at Korrektiv take on the Enneagram.

--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #13: All that wasted steeple space

Reading the signs of the times....

This is the church, this is the steeple. Open it up and see all the ... cellular antennas? New England churches have found a solution to dwindling budgets: renting their picturesque steeples to wireless companies in need of cell sites. Zoning laws don't allow cell towers in residential areas (and residents don't want ugly structures), so wireless companies have had trouble providing coverage to hilly nonurban areas. But since many of New England's historic churches have been grandfathered into local zoning laws, wireless companies can install externally invisible antennas inside steeples. Tom Moylan, president and CEO of SteepleCom, a wireless- consulting firm specifically for churches, figures it's a way for churches to turn water into wine. "The first church we did now has three carriers in it, and they're getting $74,000 a year for space nobody is using anyway," he says.

Full story here.

--I.C.

The Anti-Virtues, Ironic Style

(Find the above image here.)

And now for a commercial message....

I was reminded while reading the SkyMall magazine on my plane--where you can buy all kinds of expensive didn't-know-you-needed-them cool gadgets and business-savvy "inspirational" pieces--of one of my favorite ironic sites, Despair.com. I'm tempted to post every image on its site. Go check them out while I recover from vacation!

Stay cool.
--I.C.

On "Vacation" Until July 28

After readers began taking to the streets to convince the Ironic Catholic to avoid doing any more zucchini-based satire, I.C. decided to take a short vacation.

Since the Upper Midwest of the USA has had temperatures of late that induce heatstroke just by watching the weatherman, I.C. and her domestic church decided to get the dodge out of hell. And the obvious thing to do was to leave and go on vacation in deep southern Alabama.

(Much) younger members of said domestic church have questioned just how hot it could be, since the last visit was in January, and it was only a pleasant 75 degrees then.

The elders of the domestic church praised their innocent faith.

(St. Jude, pray for us.)

See you in a few days. Check out some of our friends on the B-team blogroll and the fun links at left, ok?

--I.C.

I Love, Love, Love EMusic

Ok, this... is a pitch. (Middle C!)

And this...is a different pitch. Yes, I've become an affiliate of emusic (the large flashy ad at left), mostly because I was thrilled to see they have lots of Catholic music downloads, cheap (in fact, the first 25 are free). So if you want to get--for free or way cheap--downloads of Richard Proulx, Latin Mass Gregorian Chant,the Notre Dame Folk Choir, David Haas, and my personal favorite, the Rennas' Catechism Rap (variety being the spice of life), please click...




...and check them out. I've been enjoying this service thoroughly.

I encourage you (not entirely altrusitically but with honest music-listening glee) to give this a whirl. All kinds of different music you can try out...who knows, you may even (gasp) like one of those songs you never expected to like....

Hummingly,
IC

But What Kind Of Grace Comes Like Zucchini? (aka The End Is Near)

Efficacious Grace, o'course:
A special grant of Almighty God by which a soul incapable by its own natural resources of placing a certain action positively conducive to eternal salvation, is endowed with new powers, becomes an adequate principle for eliciting the act in question, and without being forced by the pressure of God's grace, freely but infallibly performs the salutary action which God by His help prompted and made possible.
--New Catholic Dictionary

Therefore, BEHOLD!
Left: Efficacious grace at work. (Source--and whoa baby, it's a weird one.)



Right: Or, in honor of CMinor's experience, Efficacious grace at work II. (FYI: those are tomatoes, not blood.)



--I.C.

(The Zucchini Chronicles I, and II)

Grace Comes Like Zucchinis

(The abundance of God, left: source.)

The "Grow Your Spirit" Gardening Club of Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church, New Gloucester, Georgia, has released a new devotional booklet for the late summer gardener: Grace Comes Like Zucchini Squash.

"I was weeding in the church's community garden, despairing because we had no tangible fruits of our labors, and lifted up those mammoth squash leaves, and surprise! Seven zucchini! No peppers, no tomatoes, no beans, no corn yet, but literally buckets of zucchini. So I began to think about how God provides for us in all ways through squash, and decided to write my musings down," said master gardener Serafina Rubowitz, 83.

The devotional has a religious meditation a day, along with useful gardening tips and zucchini recipes. A sampling of the devotional reflection titles are "Cooperative Grace: The Creator, The Sower, And The Yield", "Amazing Grace: How Huge the Crop That Must Be Canned By Me", "The Zucchini Seed That Fell on Fertile Ground...," and "Spreading the Grace: Presenting Zucchini So It Will Be Accepted By Others".

The booklet is available in the parish hall after Sunday Masses for $3.00, or for free if you take some of the church garden's zucchini home.

--I.C.

(The Zucchini Chronicles II, and III)

Amazing Zucchini, How Huge The Yield

The Zucchini Chronicles I, The Zucchini Chronicles III

Amazing Squash! How huge the yield
That must be canned by me!
I made some bread, some mashed, some soup,
But more squash now I see

'Twas squash that taught my heart to fear,
How many can I cook? I was peeved!
How precious did that sweet bread appear,
The hour I first believed!

Through many squash borers, droughts, and blight,
I have already come;
'Tis squash that has brought me safe thus far,
And squash lead me home.

When I've been picking 10,000 years
In the bright shining sun
I've no more ways to share God's squash
Than when I'd first begun.

Beautiful rendition of the real tune, truly.

--I.C., clearly losing it

Truth is Stranger #12: Thou Shalt Not Steal, But If Thou Doest, Thou Shalt Not Be Stupid

...As in dropping your ID in the sacristy of the Church you just stole from....

Eyewitness News has learned in the case of the Oceanside robbery, police nabbed the would-be robber after he dropped his identity at the scene.
Police say 23-year-old Elvi Rodriguez... lingered inside St. Anthony's Roman Catholic Church at Anchor Avenue in Oceanside after a 2 p.m. Mass on Sunday.

After the church cleared out, Rodriguez tried to pocket cash from the collection boxes but there was no money in the boxes. So Rodriguez allegedly checked the private church sacristy. In doing so, he dropped his identification.

He was subsequently arrested and charged with third-degree burglary.

Hat tip to The Curt Jester for this one.

--I.C.

Jacques Derrida Meets St. Benedict, Embraces Vow of Stability

St. Benedict (source), right.

Jacques Derrida, the seminal postmodern philosopher of the 20th century, has reportedly met with St. Benedict of Nursia in the great beyond.

In a remarkable effort to make certain that no thought of his will ever go unrecorded again--even in death--a manuscript was found in the philosophy section of the library of St. Antony's Monastery in southern France. The text is titled On Death, For Real This Time: If I Can Be Stable, Anyone Can, and signed "J. Derrida."

The short book is generally impossible to understand, in keeping with his earthly literature. There are intriguing sections, however, especially when Derrida engages St. Benedict in conversation (which he reveals as "a deliberate ironic conceit to critique the neo-Socratic method as practiced in spiritual direction in Algerian anchorholds"):

JD: So, Benedict, how does one deconstruct the beatific vision? Wouldn't you say each individual has his or her own beatific vision?
Benedict: Why would you want to to deconstruct what is essentially true?
JD: True for you, you mean. We were created to be actors in a world of many options for truth.
Benedict: My son... let me teach you about the beauty of the vow of stability. Listen carefully, my son, to the master's instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart....

By the end of the text, Derrida is waxing poetic (in his own way) about the traditional Benedictine vow of stability:

JD: My whole life on earth, I looked at the world and my relationships as the shattered vase of John Keats' "Ode to a Grecian Urn," shards of beauty that were moving in their multiple possibilities for difference and arrangement. I was intoxicated by making meaning of piecemeality and brokenness. You, Benedict, have taught me to sit still and embrace the beauty of living and seeing in one place. "Be still and know that I am God." The possibilities for making meaning are there, but I can do no better than to receive what is perfectly given! And to receive, I must be still and not go out trying to "buy" my truth. In stability, truth comes to us all....

The Derrida Society, although disturbed by the content of the text, rejoices in the opportunity to hold another academic conference on this new angle in Derrida studies.

--I.C. (Happy Feast of St. Benedict)

Computer Habits and Religion Quiz Spurs Spiritual Self-Understanding, Dialogue

St. Francis Parish has created a new spiritual formation and companionship program called "Compute Your Religion." The first workshop retreat meets July 21-23 in the parish hall from 1-5pm each day.

"We decided to take a chance on this," said Fr. Albert Foyer, "since Bible studies and Rosary prayer groups didn't seem to kickstart the younger generation. Technology was a common link and an entrance into what we most appreciate in life, as well as how we interact in the world."

The workshop, inspired by Umberto Eco and blogging friends of the Ironic Catholic, still has openings available. Registrants are encouraged to take the quiz below and bring it to the first meeting to see which Christian tradition really bears influence in your life. Call 555-5555 for more information.

"Compute Your Religion" Quiz

Please choose one answer to each question below. The first two questions provide theological commentary to help to discern the difference between your answer options; the last three, you're on your own.

1. When you turn on your computer, which operating system appears?

A. Apple IMac/MacIntosh. (All who embrace it will be rewarded through constant visible signs of grace.)
B. Microsoft Windows. (Often initially cheaper until it keeps breaking down, can look like Apple but the base system is different and prone to viruses and crashing, and appealing elements are mixed with less appealing in impossible-to-avoid bundles.)
C. Still using DOS. ( AKA "the narrow way". Many are called; few are chosen.)
D. There's an On button? (There are still a few Luddites out there....)
E. Linux. (If you know what this is, you understand. If you don't, I can't explain it to you.)

2. When you need to search through a portal, which one do you choose?

A. Google (Elegant, timeless interface, and there is only one way in)
B. MSN (Very contemporary, lots of news and colors dominate)
C. Yahoo (Information heaven, all of it essential and relevant)
D. Well, first you have to enter the submarine
E. A seance

3. When you have to produce a document to distribute information, you turn to:

A. WordPerfect
B. Microsoft Word
C. Notepad
D. Pencils, and occasionally quill and ink
E. Interpretive Dance

4. When you need some music in your life, where do you turn?

A. an IPod
B. a MP3 player
C. Don't do music. No evidence of such in the primitive Church
D. A mouthharp
E. My personal theremin

5. On the run, you need to stay in touch. How do you do that?

A. Blackberry
B. Palm PDA or IPac
C. U.S. Postal Service
D. A robust shout and ear trumpets
E. ESP

To tally answers

If you answered with three answers of any one letter, you are:
A= Catholic or Orthodox Christian
B= Liberal Protestant Christian
C= Fundamentalist Protestant Christian
D= Amish Christian
E= Schismatic at best

If you answered across the board, the default result is that you are either on drugs, a relativist, or a college student.

--I.C.

"The De-Deification Of The American Landscape"

The De-Deification of the American Faithscape.

I bow to Stephen Colbert's satire. I am a mere handmaiden.

Hat tip to Happy Catholic, who hat tips Mormon2Catholic. Viral humor at its best, I guess!

Truth Is Stranger #11: Sometimes, Your Reward Is On Earth. Maybe.

The St. Paul Saints baseball team honors the team masseuse and sister with a bobblehead doll (and really, you've got to see the picture to appreciate this fully).

It was never Sister Rosalind Gefre's dream to have her likeness immortalized as a bobblehead. But once the St. Paul Saints got the idea of honoring their back-rubbing nun with a Sister Gefre figurine, the massage therapist learned to accept it.

"I pray a lot. I just said, 'Jesus, it's your business,' " she said. " 'Whatever happens, it's in your hands.' "

(I don't think that was an intentional pun....)

But on Saturday, it'll be all about her hands. The first 1,500 Saints fans who arrive at Midway Stadium will receive their own Sister Gefre bobblehands — a miniature statue of the attention-spurning sister herself. The figure stands with outstretched spring-loaded wrists, as if ready to work out those troublesome kinks.

Certainly a twist from the ruler-snapping stereotype, eh?

--I.C.

Larking around for humor...

And I found it, with AngelMeg's help, with the Evangelicals.

Check out some of the faux headlines at the July 2006 LarkNews.com:
Churches Adopt Mascots (with pics!)
Presbyterian Church USA Launches Ambitious Plan To Lose Only 5% of its Members
Evangelical Scholars Solve Book of Revelation's Mysteries (read this one, click through for the rest of the story as directed, and think about what you see a bit)

Hat tip to AngelMeg at Transcendental Musings.

--I.C.

A Call To Update The "Macintosh Is Catholic, DOS is Protestant" joke

Umberto Eco once said (my favorite parts in italics):

...."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's an old idea of mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately agree with me.

"The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant. Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by the 'ratio studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly, conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach--if not the Kingdom of Heaven--the moment in which their document is printed. It is catechistic: the essence of revelation is dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a right to salvation.

"DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all can reach salvation. To make the system work you need to interpret the program yourself: a long way from the baroque community of revellers, the user is closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.

"You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of the Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism, big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions; when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and gays to be ministers if you want to.

"And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments, if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is talmudic and cabalistic..."

Someone among us remembers this old joke...check out the latest "conversion" at Pontifications.

It's midsummer and I'm doing all the work around here, dang it. Want to help me out? Tell me what this joke should look like in 2006...
--the ascendency of IPods?
--the heresy of Linux?
--where do Firefox and Internet Explorer fold in?
--Blackberrys?
etc....

Just put it in the comments box and I'll try to write something out of the suggestions next week.
Enjoy!

--I.C.

Lucifer Afoot? The True Meaning of the Word Verification "Words"

(Work of the devil, right.)

An intrepid duo of Christian bloggers claim they know what is truly afoot in the word verification "words" found in most Blogger and Haloscan comment boxes: the words, carefully decoded, are the work of the devil.

Both Blogger and Haloscan claim that the word verification "words" were created to prevent a kind of bulk hijacking of comments boxes, making the boxes cleaner for those who truly intend to respond to a blog post. This reasonable mutable good is apparently a cover-up for an elaborate attempt of the Prince of Darkness to infiltrate the opinionated minds of bloggers worldwide.

A blogger who simply wants to be known as "John Doe" makes the argument this way: "Have you ever noticed those words rarely have vowels? It's always something like drtjuvm or peqpnmv or gtnkdqp. Vowels, as all choral aficianados know, are the heart of music. Choruses rise on the vowel--ooooooo, or aaaaaahhhh, etc., because they are beautiful sounds. No one rises on a q or r or x; they're just ugly. Building on Socrates, beauty is the good, and the good is the true, therefore the ugly is evil. Those 'words', whatever they mean, are clearly evil."

Doe continued, "So I began to play with various decoders I found on the internet, and it became obvious that the 'words' were not as innocent as they appeared. My first clue was when applying a simple numerical value for each letter--a=1, b=2, c=3, etc.--and 6.66% of the words kept adding up to 666. Another church friend of mine and fellow blogger began trying to speak them out loud, but backward, with a few vowels thrown in to make sense of them, and the first five words that popped up in a row were 'Dervish satanic glyphics embraces moronic.'" It's a riddle I don't want to touch. I'm just out here to warn people."

Blogger and Haloscan were not elbaliava rof tnemmoc.

--C.I.

The Post Catches Up With John Paul II 25 Years Late

Breaking news in the Washington Post: Work that is meaningful makes you happier than work that makes you money....*

Although welcoming the content of the article, Catholic Social Teaching professors nationwide grumbled at the notion of "breaking news." "If they had only read John Paul II's Laborem Exercens, or On Human Work, they would have been happier 25 years earlier," sighed Dr. James Richmond, professor of theology from RBCU. "Good thing much of my happiness comes from teaching people the good news...even when they refuse to read it."

Most professors contacted for this story were not available because they were taking the holiday off, as the encyclical encourages people to do for needed rest.

--I.C.

*Bloggers always knew that.

Hat tip to Susan at Musings of a Discerning Woman for the article.

Independence Day, Catholic Christian Style

Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church is trying to put a Christian twist on the habit of going out on Independence Day to see fireworks.

The "fireworks apostolate" of the parish is trying to get parishioners to remember that the "original 'fire-works' came out of the Pentecost," explained Maureen Kennedy.

"When the Spirit descended on the twelve--as tongues of fire--they were transformed and graced to work in the world for Christ. We want people to go to the 4th of July fireworks and remember God and our commission," she explained.

The apostolate plans to attend the 4th of July fireworks in the city, distributing free buttons that say "Celebrate independence from slavery to sin", "Think the fireworks are beautiful? Work with God in the world", "Want to make noise this 4th? Do the Matthew 25:35-36."

Fr. Alan Joseph Campbell is supportive of the group's initiative. "The Holy Spirit is a lot more awe-inspiring than a Roman Candle. Go and have fun that evening, but remember where the real fun is: in living the life of the Holy Spirit in the world," he encouraged his parish Sunday.

--I.C.