Butter Sculptures of the Saints Proposed to Evangelize State Fair Attendees

Photo left: A Princess Kay of the Milky Way butter sculpture. Source.

St. Paul, Minnesota: A local Catholic evangelism group has made a proposal certain to whip up emotions and melt some hearts: create refrigerated butter sculptures of the saints as a means to evangelize the hoards of visitors at the Minnesota State Fair.

"As all Minnesotans know, there is a long tradition of each Dairy Princess in Minnesota creating a "Princess Kay of the Milky Way" butter sculpture every day at the Minnesota State Fair. People crowd in rows deep to watch these dairy princesses in action*, as these butter sculptures can take hours to create. We propose that we ride on the coattails of that idea and get local youth groups to create butter sculptures of the saints," said organizer Declan MacCauley of the Catholic Youth Evangelism League.

When asked the obvious question--why butter saints?--MacCauley argued, "People would be inspired by the dedication of the sculptors to stand in a plexiglass refrigerator for hours, bringing ancient models of faith to life for the masses. And there is something about the butter itself as a medium. You know those Tibetan Buddhist monks, creating those elaborate sand drawings, only to sweep them away? The butter sculptures can work similarly: they are reflections of beauty by their ephemeral nature. Because let's be honest, you take these babies out into the Fair and it's suddenly melted goo for your fried-something-on-a-stick."

MacCauley said if his group could get permission to evangelize at the State Fair this way, they would consider branching out into St. Paul's Winter Carnival with "Ice Saints".

"If people will come from all over to see those Peanuts statues in the park, I think we may get a few takers with ice sculptures of the doctors of the Church," said MacCauley.

--I.C.
*Those of you not from Minnesota--I promise you, this part is absolutely true.

"Kneel To Your God, Babylon!"

(If that doesn't work, try here.)

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart take on Hollywood, the Emmys, and Reality TV.

--I.C.

"Feeling Ugly? God Thinks You Are To-Die-For!"

With that ... honest-to-goodness-it-was-on-a-Church-sign insight ... I introduce Crummy Church Signs to the sidebar.

Look at the archive under the Hall of Shame and The Trophy Room for other ... insights ... with ironic commentary... such as:

"Jesus turned water into wine, but He can't turn whining into anything."
--So would you quit coming to Him with all your problems, already?! Sheesh!

"God forgives sincere confession."
--He prefers the insincere ones, but He is willing to make exceptions.

"God is good without the extra 'o'"
--And Satan is Stan without the extra 'a'.

“God has a big eraser.”
…to rub you out when you sin, sucka!! (…or, to rub away your sins. This sign isn’t really specific.)

"Jesus is coming and boy is He mad!"
--Jesus is mad, this I know. For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones make him insane. When He comes, He'll bring the pain.
Yes, Jesus is mad.
Yes, Jesus is mad.
Yes, Jesus is mad.
The Bible tells me so.

Really, go see the rest and try not to laugh until you cry. Especially on slower days when I'm (gasp) working...school starts today....

--I.C.

Trailer Found For Blockbuster Sequel: Snakes On An Altar

Middle America, USA: A trailer script was found on the floor of the Ironic Catholic's office. We pass on an exclusive first look at the sequel to Snakes on a Plane... Snakes on an Altar.

*************************************************************************

Opening: Black screen, "The King of Glory" music on recorder in the background.

Voiceover: This week...

(camera pans: altar. sacristy. baptismal font.)

Summer really heats up...

(camera pans: kneeler. Mary statue. Pulpit, a snake slithers out of a lectionary)

Screaming lector: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Visuals: Snakes pouring out of a sacristry closet. Snakes slithering in the baptismal font. A snake sticking its tongue out at the face of the Mary statue. A vested priest smashing a snake with the General Instruction for the Roman Missal. Altar servers trying to smoke out the snakes with the censor. A Franciscan brother trying to nonviolently shoo Brother Snake out the front door and into the forest. Little old lady trying to choke a snake with a rosary between mysteries.)
with people screaming in background:
--Where's that St. Patrick when we need him?
--What did Mark 16 say about snakes? Quick! Someone find a Bible already!
--Can we exorcise snakes? What's the canon law here?
--Hey Eve! Just try talking to them, will ya?!
--If we usher them into the CCD classrooms, they may just fall asleep!
--...but Father, I'm pretty sure the liturgical norms say we're supposed to finish the Mass anyway!

Silence, black screen.

Voiceover: Behold... the Church Militant.
(Visual: A priest, a sister, a youth minister, and a little girl in a first communion dress staring down at the camera, standing in a semi-circle with "don't mess with me" body language)

Voiceover: Rooting out evil begins August 29th. Remember, snakes like popcorn.

--I.C.

Top 100 Ironic Reasons To Be Catholic: # 90-81

(An ongoing series: #100-91 here.)

90. Those Chick Tracts make splendid kindling at CYO camps.
89. We have a St. Bobo, St. Bean, and a St. Quadragesimus.
88. "Each one has his own gift from God, the one in this way, the other in that. Therefore it is with some hesitation that the amount of daily sustenance for others is fixed by us. Nevertheless, in view of the weakness of the infirm we believe that a hemina [just less than half a liter] of wine a day is enough for each one...." (Rule of St. Benedict #40)

87. The words "clown" and "eucharist" are never mentioned in the same sentence.
86. We cannot use chrism as chapstick without consequences.
85. We're the big boy (and girl) theologians: we use dead languages in our universities, seminaries, and major documents. And, frankly, we don't care if you don't understand it.
84. NCAA Basketball: Catholics universities consistently kick state school butt.
83. Orange is not a liturgical color in the Catholic Church.
82. No other Christian communion gets to bury a statue and pray to sell a house.
81. We actually "get" The Vatican Rag.

to be continued....
--I.C.

Did you hear the one about...

the schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
...He wishes to be at two with the universe.

Excuse me sir, is this seat saved?
...No, but I'm praying for it.

(from this weekend's rerun of A Prairie Home Companion)
--I.C.

Meme Saturday!

Saturday is close enough to the Sabbath that I rarely post. But since these are memes...I'll make an exception.

Two for one meme day!

1) I was tagged by AngelMeg for this one. The Five Things
... existentially speaking.

Five things in my freezer
chill, angst, memories, breath, shredded zucchini

Five things in my closet
Fear, Vulnerability, Anxiety, Memories, A lightbulb

Five things in my car
freedom, anticipation, joy of movement, carefree frivolity, a map

Five things in my backpack
a message, a vocation, a puzzle, a marathon, Tylenol

I tag...Big Blue Wave.

2) I got tagged by Kyrie Eleison (the blog, that is) for this one.
Which five ____ would you want to meet to hold a deep conversation? (people may be living or dead)

Saints
St. John Baptiste de la Salle -- I teach through the order he founded
St. Bonaventure --a cool funky Franciscan mystic
St. John of the Cross -- so really...the dark night? Or just depression?
St. Paul--I bet he could preach
St. Teresa of Avila--want some tips on becoming a mystic

Those in the Process of Being Canonized
Oscar Romero
Pedro Arrupe
Dorothy Day
Peter Maurin
Bl. Solanus Casey (from Blessed to Saint)

Heroes from your native country
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thomas Merton
Abigail Adams
Frederick Douglass
Sojourner Truth

Authors/Writers
Kierkegaard
William Blake
Gabriel Marcel
Marie Howe
Albert Camus

Celebrities :-)
Bono
Julie D. of Happy Catholic
Sr. Susan Rose of Musings of a Discerning Woman
AngelMeg of Transcendental Musings
Korrektiv, the band

I tag The Minor Premise.
(See how bad I am at this? I didn't realize that I was supposed to name five tags as well. I'm a meme failure, obviously. Ok, in addition to The Minor Premise, I tag: Axegrinder, The Refusal to Grasp, Meg's Musings, and Tales from God's Country.)
--I.C.

Truth is Stranger #18: Great for the monsters under the bed. And Satan.

Um. You can buy them here.

Hat tip to Purgatorio1.com.

Truth Is Stranger #17: Insurance Won't Cover Second Coming Incidentals

(Those stingy penny pinchers!)

Insurance Won't Cover Costs of the Second Coming

Insurers have withdrawn the cover on their virginity taken out by three sisters in the event of the second coming of Christ.

Essex-based Britishinsurance.com confirmed it had provided the £1m policy, but said it was reviewed on Thursday following complaints.

The firm said the women from Inverness had renewed the policy since 2000.

The cover was meant to pay for the cost of bringing up Christ if one of them has a virgin birth.

FYI, this sounds theologically fishy to me. I've never heard of the second coming of Christ as a BIRTH. And...do you think there is going to be a lot of time to collect between the end of time and all?

--I.C.

Caption Contest #3

Just what the aesthetically-challenged heretic can use to decorate the dorm room this Fall!

(For the record: Bleah.)

Caption away in the comment box.

Hat tip to Open Book.

Hemlock Society Proposes Cannibalism for Nutritional Value

Left: The USDA Food Pyramid. The man running to the top is sacrificing his life and body for others to eat, according to the Hemlock Society.

New York, NY: The Hemlock Society, in an effort to make assisted suicide more logical and beneficial for all involved, is suggesting that the people euthanized be eaten for the nutritional benefits.

"We believe that human life should end in dignity, so in order to share that dignity with others, we think that a high-nutrient human food is an idea whose time has come. You honor the dead by destroying them, harvesting their essential nutrients, and strengthening your own body," explained Sherman Lockwood, a member of the society.

Using the USDA Food Pyramid, Lockwood explained how eating different parts of euthanized people could extend other person's quality of life. "You want to be careful not to overindulge in protein. Make human flesh part of a balanced diet. Salad would be a good side dish, for example; vitamins and fiber in one sitting."

There was, however, a dark side to this announcement: "We just want to caution people: if you plan to do this, you must kill the other person with a drug that would not be received as poison by the cannibal. Otherwise, your own death with dignity may be coming a bit sooner than you plan."

Although the Catholic Church has expressed outrage at this concept, Lockwood responds: "I don't see what the fuss is about. This idea is quite noble: people sacrificing life for the greater good. And if people can't see that their lives are useless and without worth, we'll take care of them, I mean, that. After all, the American public has already determined that we should be allowed to create and destroy human life for the good of finding cures to disabling and fatal diseases. This simply takes the concept to the next level. Or really, the same level, but a little later in the game."

When asked what was next on the Hemlock Society's agenda, Lockwood said, "We're thinking about how to teach our message of dignity through usefulness to those in famine-infested areas. Instead of dying slow and painful deaths due to malnutrition, we'd like to offer them the option to shoot them up. More dignified death for them, fewer drains on resources, and therefore more nutrients for us and the others affected by famine: problem solved."

When asked whether it wouldn't be a better use of time and energy to go to famine-infested areas and share food and water, Lockwood responded he wouldn't entertain ridiculous questions, and closed the interview.

--I.C.
Hat tipping the idea from a offhand remark from Drew at The Shrine of the Holy Whapping...and Jonathan Swift.
And... the real, scary unironic article that inspired this.

Felon Blames 1960s Church Architecture For Life of Sin

(Left: This is a Church. Source.)

Las Vegas, NV: A local man recently jailed on a burglary attempt has published a provocative editorial essay in the diocesan newspaper on what drove him to a life of crime and sin: plain and lackluster architecture in Catholic churches built during Vatican II.

James Richard Willis, Jr., says that if the buildings "had just been done nice and Gothic like in the old days, I would have been moved to goodness rather than be the two-bit thief I am today."

Willis, who has been convicted on five counts of burglary, three counts of minor assault, one count of embezzlement, and the refusal to pay for 68 parking tickets received between January and June of 2005, uses his essay to explain why he embraced a life of crime. "Really, the message I got from the whitewashed walls, the abstract stained glass, and the minimalist symbolic representations was that life was a meaningless crapshoot, so I may as well lie, cheat, steal and beg my way through it. I see myself as being abandoned by Church architecture, and this lack of aesthetic guidance contributed to my crimes."

The essay has been a topic of much discussion in the diocese. The Ironic Catholic secured an exclusive interview.

I.C.: Mr. Willis, it's clear you don't appreciate the minimalist architecture of the first Vatican II generation, but to say it is a direct cause of a life of crime seems...well, heretical, for one.

Willis: Oh, you're going to preach to me about original sin, right? That everyone is born with a tendency to choose the wrong, and that we are ultimately responsible for our own sinful acts, if we understand what we are doing?

I.C.: As a matter of fact, yes.

Willis: Can't I say their original sin is worse than my original sin? I mean, look at that bell tower.

I.C. You can say it, but I don't think the Catechism ranks degrees of inherited original sin.

Willis: All I know is that I was a good and faithful Catholic, attending Mass for years in that whitewashed circular orchestra pit with a table and boom mikes, and I still live in moral squalor. There must be a reason for this, and that abstract worship arena is burned into my memory like a bad re-run of Trading Spaces.

I.C.: Mr. Willis, how do you then respond to people who say that you still heard the Word of God every Sunday, presumably participated in a licit Eucharist every Sunday, and were surrounded in worship by the People of God every Sunday? Aren't the people, the sacraments, the Word received and heard--the essential piece that makes a Church? Shouldn't that have been sufficient formation of conscience?

Willis: (long pause.) You know, maybe it was my Catholic schools I need to blame after all.

A liturgist for the diocese, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that the low-key architectural presentation of that period helped counter the neon flash of the Vegas strip. "The minimalism says, 'We are about something different here.' Plus, Gothic is damned expensive."

Diocesan spokespeople have responded with "no comment."

--I.C.

Quotation of the day

"Humour is also a way of saying something serious."

--T. S. Eliot

"Sometimes."

--I.C.

Back to the usual on Tuesday, when I'm home.

(HT to Happy Catholic for the Eliot quotation.)

The Post About The Books, And Only One Is Funny

Jonathan Potter at Korrektiv tagged me (augh!). Go and read his lovely response to this meme.

When I am not reporting the news as it should be in a just and ironic world, I am teaching...and have been in school as a student or teacher since the age of 5...so you may surmise I love books. And I do. But I will try to keep my answers to one or two books.

p.s. I'm an adult, so these are adult books...that is, there are some R rated moments in many of these. So if you go and read them, and that offends you, you're forewarned.

p.p.s. Very tempting to answer "the Bible" (which has its share of R-rated moments) for all of them except "wish it hadn't been written"...although there are some lines....

One (or two or three) book(s) that changed your life:
1. The Sickness Unto Death, Soren Kierkegaard, which I read over and over and over after graduating from college and cleaning hotel rooms before taking the grad school plunge into insanity. It inoculated me from grad school theology craziness (mostly).
2. To Know As We Are Known: A Spirituality of Education, Parker Palmer, which explores what it means to create a community in obedience to Truth in the classroom. It was practically a devotional for me for many years.
3. Marie Howe, The Good Thief: Poems. (Swoon.) One of the best (and there are many):

Part of Eve's Discussion

It was like the moment when a bird decides not to eat from your hand,
and flies, just before it flies, the moment the rivers seem to still and
stop because a storm is coming, but there is no storm, as when a hundred
starlings lift and bank together before they wheel and drop, very much
like the moment, driving on bad ice, when it occurs to you your car
could spin, just before it slowly begins to spin, like the moment just
before you forgot what it was you were about to say, it was like that,
and after that, it was still like that, only all the time.

One book you've read more than once: Obviously, the three above. Also St. Augustine's Confessions: for class, but I am transported every time. Did anyone ever describe adolescence with better poetry?

One book you'd want on a desert island: If the Bible is a gimme, I'd say the Liturgy of the Hours.

One book that made you laugh: This is hard, actually. OK, how about an essay? The essay "Jesus Shaves" by David Sedaris made me laugh until I cried. The story is about ex-pats trying to learn French with a sadistic "French only in the classroom" teacher in Paris, and the lesson is going fairly well until...:

The Italian nanny was attempting to answer the question when
the Moroccan student interrupted, shouting, "Excuse me, but what's an Easter?"
...
The teacher then called upon the rest of us to explain.

The Poles led the charge to the best of their ability. "It is," said one, "a party for the little boy of God who call his self Jesus and...oh, shit."

She faltered, and her fellow countryman came to her aid.

"He call his self Jesus, and then he be die one day on two . . . morsels of . . . lumber."

The rest of the class jumped in, offering bits of information that would have given the pope an aneurysm.

"He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father."

"He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples."

"He nice, the Jesus."

"He make the good things, and on the Easter we be sad because somebody makes him dead today."

Part of the problem had to do with grammar. Simple nouns such as cross and resurrection were beyond our grasp, let alone such complicated reflexive phrases as "To give of yourself your only begotten son." Faced with the challenge of explaining the cornerstone of Christianity, we did what any self-respecting group of people might do. We talked about food instead.

One book that made you cry: The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingslover. Honestly, there was a lot I did not like about the book, but there is a place where a primary character dies which is one of the most shocking and haunting pieces I have ever read. If you've read it, you know exactly what I am talking about.

One book that you wish had been written: My husband's great American novel. But there is still time, I hope.

One book that you wish had not been written: Mein Kampf.

One (two) book(s) you're currently reading: Ron Rolheiser's Against an Infinite Horizon, and for the second time. I think he is one of the best spiritual writer in the English language in our day. And a novel by Minnie Lamberth (?), Life With Strings Attached, which won the Paraclete Press new author in religion and literature award.

One book you've been meaning to read: Habakkuk.

Hmmm...I tag Stella Borealis.
Update: Ray of Stella Borealis told me that he has done this already (mea culpa!). So I tag Ask Sr. Mary Martha, who you purveyors of Catholic-based humor should be reading anyway. She's a way fun faux nun.

--I.C.

Away from 8/19 to 8/22

...On a short road trip. Have a good weekend, all!

--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #15: Revelation By Chocolate

AP story:

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, Calif. - As a chocolatier to the rich and famous, Martucci Angiano has posed with many celebrities.

But on Thursday she held in her hand a figure that dazzles her more than any Hollywood star: a 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings that workers at her gourmet chocolate company believe bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary.

Since the discovery at Bodega Chocolates, Angiano's employees have spent much of their time hovering over the tiny figure, praying and placing rose petals and candles around it.

Full story here.

Truth Is Stranger #16: Everything but the kitchen sink...oh wait...

Thieves Steal Church's Kitchen Sink

Tue Aug 15, 9:50 PM ET

GREENWOOD, S.C. - Thieves stole almost nothing but the kitchen sink from a church after the restaurant-style, stainless steel basin was left outside during renovations.

"We were just giving the painters enough room to work," said the Rev. Wilbert Simpson of the Calvary Grove Baptist Church. "It's sad to think ... that someone would come on God's grounds to steal something."

The sink was left behind a building during renovations to a fellowship hall, and Simpson said someone noticed it was missing over the weekend. A cake warmer was also taken.

(Um, what the heck is a cake warmer?)
Full story here.

Breaking news: A Lost Article of Aquinas' Summa Found

In breaking satire, roving reporter Tim at The Lapped Catholic found a missing text from Thomas Aquinas' Summa Theologiae earlier today.

Is God made of soap?

We proceed thus to the Ninth Article:

Objection 1: It would seem that God is made of soap. For whatever is highest in a genus must be predicated of God. But the highest in the genus of cleanliness, which the Philosopher says is next to godliness, is soap.

Objection 2: Moreover, Scripture says, "Wash me, and I shall be clean indeed." But it belongs to soap to wash.

See here for the rest.

--I.C. (Thanks Tim!)

Caption Contest #2

(Hat tip to American Papist.)

Caption away in the comment box.

Transcript of The Iron Theologian (series opener, part 2)

Last time.

Dresdon Black: Welcome back, viewers! The clock has just expired and our iron theologians are dishing up their presentations on the doctrine of Christology to our esteemed panel of mystery judges. Romano, how did they do?

Romano Rown: Dresdon, what an interesting hour it has been! de Lubac is walking up with a stir fry dish, Rahner with a wrap sandwich, von Balthasar a dessert of some sort, Gutierrez has something in a take out box, and St. Therese a tomato. After a short prayer of thanksgiving, the dishes will be placed before the judges and they will comment on the dishes as they partake. The iron theologians may respond as they wish.

The camera cuts to the judges cutting into the food.

A: Fr. de Lubac, could you tell me why this stir fry interprets your Christology?
de Lubac: Oui, I started with the origins of the tradition in the early councils and the Holy Fathers of the Pastritic period. This is where Christology developed, but there are all kinds of competing yet complimentary interpretations within the Councils of Nicaea and Chalcedon. So I present the richness and variety of Pastristic thought as organic stir fried vegetables and beef... on a bed of cracked boiled wheat, my nod to the Eucharist.

B: It's very tasty, but I think I prefer the wrap sandwich. Fr. Rahner, what is in this, exactly?
Rahner: Ja, it is composed with three elements: smoked chicken, arugula, and secret sauce on flatbread. The smoked chicken represents Thomism as aged by the centuries until the early 1900s. The arugula is the pepperly incisiveness of my teacher, Martin Heidegger. I more or less smashed them together with the manna, I mean flatbread, and the sauce.
B: But what is in the sauce?
Rahner: Only those who has read and understood Spirit In The World know.

C: So, that would be no one,right? (hee hee) But I'm really enjoying the dessert! It's some kind of mousse, right?
von Balthasar: Right, a double dark chocolate raspberry mousse with whipped cream.
C: I'd think Christology would be represented by something more ... substantial.
von Balthasar: I prefer to think that the richness of this dish perfectly ascribes to the excess of Glory that we are born to receive. Dessert is always grace, and what doctrine better articulates grace than God in Jesu Christo?

A: Um, Fr. Gutierrez? There is only a dry crumb of bread in here.
Gutierrez: Yes.
A: Did you not wish to present a dish?
Gutierrez: I wanted to remind you, while you are gorging on multiple dishes, that the majority of the world does not get enough to eat every day.
A: (uncomfortably) That's bleak, although true.
Gutierrez: But recall that Christ worked wonders through the smallest things: the loaves and the fishes! Let him transform this crumb into a banquet of justice. He is our hope, and we must work to make our actions in accordance with his grace-filled message.

B: And St. Therese...a tomato?
St. Therese: The little way brought me to picking it for you, washing it for you, and praying that its sweetness may transform your heart to good and your body to health. I didn't think it needed any more dressing than that.

DB: Judges, it is time to make your decision. Whose theologia will reign as apologia?
(The judges consult with worried faces, and finally nod)
DB: I have the envelope, and the winner is... (opening, reads)
...wait, you can't do this.

Judges: Of course we can. (The dimmed lights brighten..revealing that the judges are John XXIII, Paul VI, and a young 20-something actress). St. Therese wins for an appetizer, Rahner for a side dish, de Lubac for a dinner meal, von Balthasar for dessert, and Gutierrez for a dish which cleanses the palate. We need them all.

DB: Holy Fathers! We are honored...but... young lady, who are you?
Actress: I think I wandered into the wrong studio, actually. But after eating this, I'm definitely going to Mass this Sunday! (audience cheers, the iron theologians high five)

DB: And we'll see you next time on...The Iron Theologian! (cue "Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee")

--I.C.

The "MeChurch", Or Why The Mystical Body of Christ Has Tanked

(...tanked in the American imagination, that is.)

See the smackdown on American Individualist Christianity:




If the above doesn't work, try here.
(Hat tip to Scott Broadway's LiveJournal.)

And here's another from IgniterMedia...I love satire with a message. But...ouch!

(Or find it here.)

--I.C.

Book Review: Dancing With Cats, or why "I'm spiritual, not religious" can be scary

Dancing With Cats, a book review by I.C.

Every once in a while, a book leaps off the shelf and into your liver.

A friend of mine received this book as a joke: people dancing with cats to heal various spiritual distresses and draw on feline energy. This is a case of parody that is so deadpan as to be freakishly scary. Oh, and it isn't marketed under humor. Bookstores want the cat lovers of the world to swallow this whole. And it will be quite a challenge, but... I think certain cat lovers are up to the job. (p.s. I like cats! Stop clicking on comments right now!)

A few representative quotes:

"I share its grace, power, and oneness with the universe. I relate to Fluff and the whole spectrum of feline physicality on a profound level--I even regard birds differently."

"Dancing with Zoot helps Sue reenact and come to terms with the joy and sorrow of a brief but painful relationship: when she fell in love with her daughter's father while he was photographing bridges in the neighborhood."

"For Ralph, the actual dance itself always begins with the Invitation. "I come right down to the cat's level and begin purring really loudly. Then I push one foot out behind like a tail and flick it from side to side in the feline 'let's go' signal.... {I} begin to hum something that seems just right for the moment. It could be one of Handel's oratorios or a sprightly chakra cha cha. The faster it is, the higher Petipa leaps."

"There's a simple exercise you can try right now as you sit in front of your computer. It's one of a number of what we call mirroring exercises that will allow you to bring your body into an energy-centered relationship with your cat and prepare you to dance with it... a simple purring technique. Remember that purring is the way a cat modulates its energy reserves in order to restore its psychic equilibrium."

An R-rated review that pleads with the powers of the universe that this book not be for real, including some admittedly remarkable (but still completely bizarre) pictures from the book.

A PG-13 rated BoingBoing review which uncovers that it IS, thank heaven, a parody.

And finally, the authors have their own site (where you can find the picture above).

--I.C.
p.s. ...still watching the second half of The Iron Theologian! Recap soon!

Transcript of The Iron Theologian (series opener, part 1)

(Last time.)

Dresdon Black, the host, opened the new ThC series The Iron Theologian with "In the history of civilization, people have never seen a theology competition quite like this one." Immediate Neilsen ratings suggest that he was right. Over 200 people began watching the show at 10pm, and inexplicably, by 10:45pm, 250,000 viewers were watching.

Due to the story deadline, we are publishing the transcript straight from the live broadcast.

TRANSCRIPT
[After introducing the five iron theologians]
Dresdon Black: Let me introduce Romano Rown, our on-the-floor reporter in Theology Stadium. Romano, will you explain what will happen this evening?

RR: In veritas, Dresdon. First, you will announce the secret doctrine, which will be a surprise to all the iron theologians. Afterward, just to introduce the iron theologians to the audience, all five will have to immediately create at least one intrepretation of the doctrine within one hour. These interpretations will then be presented to our esteemed panel of three judges (judges, in shadow, wave to screen). Finally, a judgment will be rendered and his or her THEOLOGIA WILL REIGN AS APOLOGIA! (Coughs) Sorry, I have to scream that part. It's in the contract.

DB: So... let's crack open some old-fashioned revelation! Today's secret doctrine is (drum roll, the iron theologians look at a tablecloth-covered table avidly; DB sweeps the cloth off to uncover icons of ...) CHRISTOLOGY! The clock is set and now the theologians will begin! (the five run hastily to tables set with books, laptops, pencils, clay, and an icon) Ooh, this will be good. Christology is a rather meaty doctrine, isn't it, Romano?

RR: Ja wohl, Dresdon. It is an essential ingredient to Christian theology and has been the subject of much interpretation already. There is much revelation--through scripture, tradition, the councils--and much interpretation. They will also have to decide whether to focus on atonement, incarnation, Christ as Teacher, the New Adam, the Pure Image, etc....there are many possibilities. But there are also lots of opportunities to fall into heresy, as the patristic period recognized. Heresy results in automatic disqualification from the competition and losing the iron theologian mantle.

DB: Thanks, and off to the floor with you, Romano! Godspeed! Our three judges, who we'd like to recognize as Judge A, B, and C at the moment, are going to provide some play by play commentary as the hour proceeds. Over to you!

A: Thanks, Dresdon. OK, how are our iron theologians starting at their task? We're closest to de Lubac...his nose is deep in a pile of musty books...Ah! Is that Augustine he's devouring?

B: That would be a natural place to start for him, as the eminent Patristics scholar, yes indeed. I doubt he will end there, though.

C. He seems to be scribbling in Greek. (hee hee hee)

A: As long as he translates for us at the end...and Rahner in that corner?

B: He's writing an essay. No shock there, the man doesn't have an unwritten thought, and essay is his standard presentation.

C: Yes, but is it an induction from Thomas Aquinas? Heidegger? Both? (hee hee)

B: I do see Being and Time open.

A: Should be heady stuff! von Balthasar is nearby, and look, Adrienne von Speyr materialized. They seem relaxed.

B: Starting off with a nice chat, it seems.

C: Actually, it seems like they are doing some biblical study to begin with...Romano, can you see what that book is?

RR: Absolutamente, our SuperZoom camera shows us the Gospel of John, Judge C.

A: Nice to see our iron theologians keeping to form...now what is Gustavo Gutierrez doing?

B: Interesting ... his Bible is open to Exodus, tabbed at Luke, and he has asked for a bunch of styrofoam take-out boxes.

A: And is St. Therese ... what? deep breathing?

C: It looks like...she's cleared her table, dusted it, placed an icon of Christ on it, and is now in contemplative prayer. I wonder if she will keep track of the stop clock! (hee hee hee)

DB: Excuse me, judges, but we do need to stop the commentary for a commercial break from our sponsor, Heavenly Delight Ice Cream: where "the Rocky Road to Heaven is paved with good eating." Back in two minutes.

--I.C.
(to be continued)

Ironic Catholic: The (Indirect) Papal Seal of Approval!

(Photo source.)

Open Book* recounts at some length an interview with Pope Benedict that aired this past weekend, including this...

Fuchs: Stories with humor in them too? In 1989 in Munich you were given the Karl Valentin Award. What role does humor play in the life of a pope?

I'm not a man who constantly thinks up jokes. But I think it's very important to be able to see the funny side of life and its joyful dimension and not to take everything too tragically. I'd also say it's necessary for my ministry. A writer once said that angels can fly because they don't take themselves too seriously. Maybe we could also fly a bit if we didn't think we were so important.

I feel so ... affirmed! I'm not a slacker ironic muse, I'm an angel! Thanks, Holy Father!

--I.C.
*And thanks to Ray at Stella Borealis for emailing me with the news!

The Theology Channel Introduces "The Iron Theologian" Competition

New York, NY: The Theology Channel (ThC) is introducing a new reality competition series called The Iron Theologian. This show is similar in format to the Food Channel's cult favorite The Iron Chef, and plans to show viewers "the art, drama, and suspense of interpreting Revelation for a variety of palates."

The master of ceremonies, Dresdon Black, announced the new series' "iron theologians"--that is, the preeminent resident theologians that will be challenged by outsiders each week--in front of the Vatican Library.

"The first iron theologian is Henri de Lubac. A specialist in French Nouvelle Theologie, he is famous for his reductions and attention to the Patristic tradition, resulting in theology that is smooth, richly flavored, and full of harmonious surprises."

"The second iron theologian is Karl Rahner. Arguably the voice of Catholic theology during Vatican II, his food has strong Ignatian flavors combined with an underlying Heideggerian tang that lingers, combined with the improbable but surprisingly delicious infusion of Neo-Thomism. His theology presents the reader a kind of complexity--to the point of being hard to swallow--but with repeated presentations, his theology has won devoted fans all over the globe."

"The third iron theologian is Hans Urs Von Balthasar. His luscious, decadent theology tends to hit the same themes repeatedly, but with such warmth and richness that the theology becomes a kind of addiction to its readers. Some people find him notable for what he leaves out of his creations. He is also the only iron theologian to work with a sous chef, Adrienne Von Speyr."

"The fourth iron theologian is Gustavo Gutierrez. His selection was controversial in some circles, but his admittedly Biblically-toned feasts are very welcome in others, as his work leaves a spicy crunch in the mouth that is interesting to address."

"The fifth iron theologian is the 20th century doctor of the Church and Carmelite, St. Therese de Lisieux. Her creations are noted by using pure ingredients and hallmarking their simplicity, their connection to a greater source of nourishment."

The series opener is tonight at 8pm EDT, with the iron theologians inaugerating "Theology Stadium" by offering up various treatments of a chosen surprise doctrine, prepared and arranged in one hour, for their judges. The judges will sample each, and then determine "whose theologia reigns as apologia".

Tickets for tonight's live show are sold out.

--I.C.
(you can get the play by play here: part 1, part 2.)

I Was Serene, AND I Laughed

The Aug 11 Pearls Before Swine comic strip has fun with a well-known prayer.

Top 100 Ironic Reasons to Be Catholic: 100-91

A new recurring feature....

100. Christian Initiation is more involved than just signing into the membership book at the church office.
99. When someone decides to use glitter rather than ashes on Ash Wednesday (God bless them)...there are consequences.
98. When singing in the choir, it's helpful to remember that the people listening are ordered to forgiveness before receiving Eucharist.
97. Hand puppets during homilies are (generally) discouraged.
96. Stephen Colbert is on our team.
95. We've got the Laser Monks!
94. Instead of just being weird...you can be a mystic.
93. Instead of just being an emotional mushpie...you can have the gift of tears.
92. Instead of being an extreme introvert...you can be a contemplative.
91. We've got theology; others have choir practice.

(See the whole series here.)
--I.C.

Caption Contest #1

...From a fun Methodist blog called Locusts and Honey. He runs a caption contest. Go check out the winning caption with the link, and then contribute a few captions of your own here!

Ahem--not that I need to say so--but be nice. My daddy is Methodist. We're embracing some ecumenical blogging here today.

--I.C.

p.s. This one is absolutely hilarious. Check out the comments.

Truth Is Stranger #15: "The Pope Hat Chip"

Apparently anything will sell on Ebay.

And what is it about Catholics, faith images, and food? Remember the Nun Bun? The Grilled Cheese Madonna (click here and then click Holy Cheese Slideshow)? The Shrine of the Miracle Tortilla? Jesus on a fish stick (aka "The Son of Cod"?)

Back to the Pope Hat Chip: look here, if you dare.

(Tip of the Pope Hat Chip to The Shrine.)

--I.C.

Sign #578 Of The Impending Apocalypse

...Because clearly this ad is trying to arouse a thirst that only caffeinated sugar water can fill.

Note how the condensation becomes holy water.

Hat tip to 50 Days After. And if the embedded video doesn't work for you, try following this link instead.

--I.C.

Helpful Travel Tips For Ironic Catholics Flying With Children

(Right, Gulf Shores, Alabama: My parents dragged me across the USA just for this?)

With still a month to go in the vacation season, the Ironic Catholic is pleased to provide some helpful travel tips for those faithful Catholics traveling by plane with small children. The key is to look at the experience as one that cultivates virtue as well as survival skills. Happy flying!

1. Remember: flying on an airplane with your children is praxis in patience.

2. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that unmerited suffering is redemptive. Now, you're covered.

3. When you check in for the flight, and the airline has placed you, your husband, and your three kids in five different sections of the plane, take the opportunity to remember that the gate agent is also created in the image of God, and that Jesus died for her as well.

4. Despite earnest entreaties from your young ones, resist letting them bring their own carry-ons. When you get halfway to gate D-98, they will be "carrying on" about how heavy their backpacks are. P.s. Suggesting that this is like carrying your own cross does not work with children under the age of reason.

5. Discuss with your spouse before boarding whether it is most appropriate to pray for your souls or pray for the successful and safe completion of the flight. Loud, theological arguments are a big no-no on flights these days.

6. If you must book a connection, realize that you will have to sprint at full speed from one end of the airport to another with three kids, four carry-ons, a 50 lb diaper bags full of distracting toys, and a car seat, only to find out that the flight has been delayed (see #2).

7. A well-timed dose of Children's Benadryl can facilitate peace and good will with fellow passengers.

8. Realize that a rosary has dual use on a flight: it is an incentive to faith and prayer as well as a fascinating sparkly item that swings for the youngest set.

9. Remember onboard alcoholic drinks cost $5. (See #2)

10. When all else fails, feed the kids M&Ms.; Those large bags of mini-M&Ms give you more bang for your buck.

--I.C.

Ironic Evangelicals: Lark News August edition is out!

Read it here.

New Mystery Book of the Bible Unearthed, Then Found To Be Already In Old Testament

Hebron, Israel: Biblical archeologists announced last week that a new book of the Bible has been found on a preserved scroll in a remote cave three kilometers from the current site of Hebron, Israel.

"Fascinating material," pronounced American Benjamin Tandelli, the lead excavator. "Clearly a dark vision, apocalyptic in tone, full of despair and doubt, and lyrical in trusting the grandeur of God. It seems to me a worthy companion to recent discoveries of biblical era material, such as the Gospel of Judas and other secret texts."

Tandelli's enthusiasm was brought to a screeching halt two days later when the unnamed scroll was identified as the Book of Habakkuk, which is already in the Old Testament.

"It's the prophet Habakkuk all right," said Fr. Ray Green of the Jerusalem Institute. "We've dated the scroll to the years just before the Babylonian exile, and besides, the words match."

Later that day, Tandelli tried to adjust his response. "This is a groundbreaking find nonetheless. After all, I bet more people have read the Gospel of Judas than Habakkuk, right? It's still an obscure work, worthy of modern attention and a possible screenplay."

Although there was initial derision in the academic community ("I've footnoted Habakkuk at least twice," sniffed Prof. John Croissant of RBCU), response by church members in Tandelli's hometown, Allentown, Pennsylvania, was generally supportive. "Well, I certainly have never heard of Habakkuk," argued Marielle Delaney of St. Rose of Lima Parish. "And I think I am fairly up on the Old Testament. I know Abraham parted the Dead Sea and Moses almost killed his son Jacob. And King David almost cut a baby in two. And there were lots of wars. Most of what happens after that is filler anyway. So I'm going to run out and read this Habakkuk right away."

The Ironic Catholic secured an exclusive interview with Tandelli after the storm of commentary died down.

IC: So, disappointed that your big find is already considered revelation and part of the canon?

BT: Well, I must admit it would have been cool to be one of those archeologists who found something truly new and iconoclastic, but as I said, Habakkuk is very obscure. I'm sure it is new to most Christians.

IC: It may not be as popular as other books, but it has been part of the Hebrew scriptures for 2200 years. It's not exactly a secret.

BT: Can I help it if people keep reading those dang Jesus stories instead? So people move from Moses in the bulrushes to the baby Jesus. That's not my lookout.

IC: So do you think the message of Habakkuk will resonate with today's religious audience?

BT: Well, it's dark, bemoans violence, complains to God...I think that never really goes out of style, if you know what I mean.

IC: Why do you think Habakkuk isn't read by contemporary Christians?

BT: Um...I'm not sure. I mean, it's short, really short...you'd think that would help. Although maybe the pages stick together and people skip it without knowing it. Or maybe people skip those prophets without the -iah ending in their names.

The Discovery Channel plans a documentary, Habakkuk: The Discovery of the Book We Already Knew About, to be aired in late Fall 2006.

--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #14: Icons For Long Suffering Graphic Artists

My favorite is St. Anxiete, Patroness of Impossible Deadlines (and imagine, the icon is for sale!).

Patron Saints and Icons for Graphic Artists

Hat Tip to Julie at Happy Catholic.

--I.C.

Hell Froze Over, Californians Decide to Relocate

Death Valley, CA: Local residents, tired after a month of record-breaking high temperatures, announced that they were relocating for more temperate climes immediately.

"I had been reading Dante's Inferno--about the innermost part of hell being ice--and after getting heat exhaustion from walking to the mailbox this afternoon, I decided the we would move. So we're going to 'go to hell'," blustered Glen McCaron, 78. "Feels like we've been in hell for weeks, with these 130 degree temperatures. Ice would be a nice change of pace."

His wife, Brenda, 82, agreed. "Ever since Arnold Schwartzenegger won the governor's race, I told Glen that hell must have frozen over. He wasn't sure, but this month put him over the edge, and Dante cinched it. They have ice cold AC, so we're going. It's worth a chance."

When asked why not move to someplace cooler but not under the reign of the Prince of Darkness, such as, say, Minnesota, McCaron answered, "Well, I wouldn't be so sure about the Prince of Darkness and Minnesota. You never know. But in any case, hell is a closer commute. Our pastor keeps telling us California is halfway gone to hell all the time."

The pastor, a Fr. David Sanchez of Holy Family Parish, was in an ice pool and not available for comment.

--I.C.