Your Most Ironic Moment As A Catholic contest: We have a winner!

We have a winner! From knit_tgz at Knitting Through Life:

When I came back to Catholic Church, I had a hard time with Marian devotion. I simply could not understand it. Once I went to Confession and talked to the priest about this. He smiled, and told me if I knew what day it was. I didn't. It was February 11th, the day of Our Lady of Lourdes. He proceeded to talk about the apparition, the message, the humility of the little girl to whom Mary appeared, how the apparitions were expressions of the glory of God and of the glorification God will give to all the saved in the Final Judgement, and finally about Mary being a helper, one of the several helpers God has provided us, not that God needed a helper, but we do need all the help we could get. He talked a long time, while I was on my knees in the confessional (open confessional, in the Church, with some people in the pews waiting for Confession). When he finally gave me the absolution and the penance and the blessing, I tried to get up on my feet but fell back on my knees. My legs had both fallen asleep all the way up to the knees. I massaged my legs a bit and tried again to get up, and again I fell on my knees. The priest was worried: "Are you OK?" I started laughing quietly: "My legs have fallen asleep, I cannot get up!". I tried a third time, and again I fell on my knees.

By that time, I was trying to contain laughter, to no avail. A lady approached the confessional and asked if I needed help. I told her, laughing: "I do, I cannot get up, both my legs have fallen asleep!". She held me and helped me walk back to a pew, while I laughed the whole way. I must have looked crazy (or drunk) to the onlookers, but I felt peaceful and not ashamed. I felt like God wanted to tell me: "Daughter, don't take yourself too seriously! And when I want, if I want, you will walk with the help of a lady. And will make you laugh in the best humility. Because I am a God who loves the laughter of His children!"

I still smile when I remember.

Enjoy reading the rest of these ironic moments in the comments box. Thanks for all the great stories!
--I.C.

The Irony Of Joy (A True Story)

(Serious post ahead....)

This counts as ironic. And perhaps a source of joy to others. And it's a more than a tiny bit funny, at least to me.

As I have said, I teach Christian theology for a living and as a vocation. And I have three very young handfuls (also known as kids). And a wonderful husband who watches them during the day while I teach, while he works writing in the evenings (i.e. we work split shifts). And I'm involved in a fair amount of service work; my husband even more so. And since I work for the Church, we're always in debt, wondering how to pay the bills. And don't get me started on the state of the world.

Lots of people deal with this gracefully every day, but perhaps it comes as no surprise that I deal with an anxiety disorder. I began this blog in part to do something light-hearted and amusing for 30 minutes a day, but despite that, my mind has become wired by a life that is far too crazy-busy than what I can easily handle. Well, all that, plus I was hit by a truck.

All these relationships, these gifts from God, and I'm treating them like intrusions. Then I get anxious. And snippy. And yell at the kids for not putting socks away. Let your imagination continue.

Wednesday night I went to bed very depressed about life in general. I had been receiving a number of compliments on work-related things at school, and the contrast between workplace success and my spiritual reality was making me feel a lot like a mess and a bit like a fraud. I fell asleep.

Over the night, I had one dream, over and over again--I kept dreaming that I needed to go to confession, and I was going to confession, and then the dream would cycle over again. Frankly, I've never had a dream like this before. I woke up a little unnerved, thinking "Why was I dreaming about going to confession all night?" (Yes, there is an obvious answer, but it wasn't occuring to me yet.)

Jittery and a bit bothered, I went to work and then the Noon Mass, which I rarely attend.

It was the feast of St. Matthew--that "I come not for the righteous but for sinners" Matthew.

And the priest preached a homily on the grace of reconciliation and the need for confession.

So, I go back to my office and beg for an appointment for reconciliation the next day. My parish priest agrees to it.

I write an email to the priest at work who preached on confession. He said he hadn't planned to talk about reconciliation at all until he was up there talking. (Insert Twilight Zone music here.)

God having sufficiently ganged up on me, I make an examination of conscience. It's harder than usual, because the anxiety disorder makes it a little--sometimes a lot--hard to pray. I will get racing thoughts, and it is very hard to focus on things. Many psychologists say meditation (OK, I'd say contemplative prayer) is the key to counteracting anxiety, but asking a person with anxiety to do that is like asking a sick person to run a marathon. Your brain is just on whirling static and can't focus on one channel. It's nearly impossible. After weeks of trying to pray (beyond table prayers and kids' prayers), I had pretty much given up trying. It hurt too much.

But I had asked for a special appointment for reconciliation--and besides, something was clearly up--so I had to try. I decide to write down on a sheet of paper "God, please show me my sins" and jot instances down, looking for any kind of pattern, any image in the tea leaves. I'm having a difficult time of it. I finally remember reading something about letting the Holy Spirit speak to you in the act of confession...and I figure, God seems to want this to happen, so that's just the way its going to have to be. With some anticipatory nausea, I go to bed.

I finally go to reconciliation the next afternoon. As I am sitting in the Church five minutes beforehand--basically reviewing the little bit I had written, staring through the stained glass, and thinking "breathe, breathe, breathe"--something mentally shifts. Prayer. I haven't been praying. I realize that stopping the praying--giving up reaching out to God--twists all my other relationships as well, little by little, until I realize that I'm way out at sea and wondering "how did I get out here?" When did I decide to prefer other things to God?

My parish priest, a man who is the soul of kindness, has a number of helpful insights. But the biggest one is Thomas Merton's axiom: "Pray as you can, not as you can't." Click, key in lock. Penance. Turn the handle. Absolution. Open the door.

I have to admit my first reaction to the sacrament being done is gratitude and relief, even in the midst of a certain awe. But there has been something about the grace of that sacrament in the past few days that made it possible for me to pray again, and truly "connect." I can't express how much this feels like a miracle. I was lost, but now am found; blind, but now I see.

I guess life can be crazy if God is in the center of it.

The irony? I found it hard to pray, I didn't pray, and it looked like this God-project was sinking fast (whether I expressed it in such a way or not). But instead, God basically took a 2"x4" to my psyche, shouting "Come back! I will help you!". And that walking into a confessional to pour out one's sins--which feels like it may just about kill you when you do it--can be the opening gate to joy.

Thank you for your prayers.

"TGIF" Slogan Causes Confusion At Vespers

Houston, TX: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The St. Cosmos Catholic Youth Organization (CYO) decided to plaster posters all over St. Cosmos High School, in large red letters, "TGIF! We're the group that does it right! Fridays, Parish Hall, 8pm", to advertize the new tradition of celebrating vespers on Friday nights.

Alicia Hillebrand was very confused when she came, outfitted in what she called her "rumba miniskirt," to see a small group of people praying "God, come to my assistance. Lord, make haste to help me."

"I thought that we'd be partying, obviously," said Alicia. "I brought my friends on a whim to try something new. I broke out my Manolos for this. I was very confused."

As was Jason Richtmann, who walked in while the small group was quietly praying in the Blessed Sacrament Chapel, adjacent the parish hall. "They were so quiet, man. I thought they were listening to their IPods or something. So I plugged in and sat in the back, waiting for the DJ."

Marissa Lenhart, the president of the CYO, admitted that the advertizing was going to have to be re-thought. "It seemed kinda obvious to us that thanking God involved prayer, and that's what we were inviting people to do. We didn't expect to get the confusion, but really, people are welcome back anytime. We think the next poster will be more straightforward: 'Stay, pray, and play later: Evening Prayer, Fridays 8pm.'"

"I don't know, I may come back," said Alicia. "But I'll have to wear my slacks. Those kneelers kind of hurt."

--I.C.

If Adam And Eve Met Online....

"And after one brief but painful surgery...." (heh)
Um, but why does God look like a car salesman?

Hat Tip to Fanatholic.

Saturday Joke

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, an iman, and a Buddhist monk all walk into a bar together. The bartender turns to them and said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

(Ba dump dump)

Talk Like A Pirate Day In The Confessional

Let's be honest, pirates way back when had a lot to confess. Not a vocation in keeping with the dignity of the human person, shall we say.

In honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day: a pirate goes to confession.

Pete the Pirate: Ahoy, forgive me, Father, for I have been a bleedin' bilge rat. Aye, it's been 10 years now since me last confession.

Priest: Go on, me scurvy dog.

Pete: Well, Father, I've been pillagin' ships and stealin' gold me whole adult life, and am well acquainted with the grog.

Priest: Go on now.

Pete: And Father, the wenches...let's say thar hast been many a lass caboodlin' in the anchorhold outside of the weddin' march.

Priest: Blimey, me son! Ye should be walkin' the plank for that one.

Pete: Aye, tis a sad situation....so here it be:
Aye, me God, I am heart'ly sorry fur havin' offended ye,
and I detest me sins--
b'cos I fear losin' me Heaven,
an' don't want to be marooned in Hell--
but most of all they offend ye, me God,
Ye who are a right fine God,
and deservin' of all the doubloons I could give ye and then more.
Aye, so I smartly resolve,
wit' the help of your grace,
to heave to my sins,
to keelhaul my soul,
an' to make right me scurvy life.
Amen.

Priest: Me son, go in peace. Swab yer poopdeck for yer penance and sin no more.

Pete: Thank ye, Father. (exiting confessional: "Yo ho ho...God is a right merciful laddie.")

Ahem: Don't try this at home. Hopefully this inspired you to do a true confession. In fact, I may need to do one now.

2007 TLAP Update: Get baptized like a pirate.

--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #23: The Priestie Boyz

The Priestie Boyz.

Yep.

It's for real.

(Hat Tip to Drew at the Shrine.)

Personal Plea For Peace

Many people are posting about the need to pray for Pope Benedict XVI. I agree the furor of the last week has been very scary, and he needs our prayers. But I beg you (very seriously) to pray as fervently for those who threaten him and others. We are called to love those who persecute us. In this case, we even worship the same God, and share a common father in Abraham.

This moment strikes me as a time for living our faith through the power of prayer, and embodying peace through loving all as created by God. In this, God would be most pleased.

IC

Even More Horrible Church Signs (With Commentary)

From the one of the funniest sites, well, ever: Crummy Church Signs.

"Gain the World And Lose Your Soul. Deal or No Deal."
submitted by frequent
contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Um...I'd like to phone a friend?

"God Specializes."
submitted by frequent contributor
Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
So do prostitutes. I think the key is "In what?"

"A child of the King should bear some family resemblance."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Hey! I just rained fire and brimstone down on my students the other morning! Isn't that good enough?

"Prosperity is to understand how God does things."
Anonymous submission from Auburn, IL
Well, if you can get past the terrible sentence construction, this sign is still pretty much awful. I wonder if they have ever heard of this little idea called "faith"?

Crummy Church Signs is on the sidebar. Check them out.
--I.C.

Why Stop At SEVEN Deadly Sins?

The wisdom of the Christian tradition is never enough, is it? We've got to be American individualists and leave our stamp on everything? Tongue-in-cheek case in point:

Nominate your very own deadly sin at (pretty hilarious) deadlysins.com .

(Yes, it is a dot com. There has to be some deep meaning in that.)

Other pieces of deadlysins.com worth checking out:

• Seven castaways on Gilligan's Isle...hmmm....
• Get nervous in confession? Need a wearable cheat sheet? Buy the shirt.

Be forewarned: when you buy the shirt I imagine you will get beset with
1. pride, as you have a snazzy colorful shirt that proclaims your (self-)righteousness and sin-attentiveness,
2. envy, as you will wish you had thought of the sins on a shirt idea yourself,
3. gluttony, as it is stretchy material that allows overindulgence,
4. anger, when the colors likely bleed in the wash,
5. greed, as you wish you had bought the mug as well, and
6. sloth, as it encourages couch potato comfy do-nothingness.

(I ain't touching #7, lust.)

--I.C.

Conservative and Liberal Catholic Etiquette Tips Provided

Chicago, IL: In the spirit of dialogue, a local parish group has presented some "guidelines for conversation" between the self-identified conservative and liberal factions of the Church. In addition, they have provided "opening statements to dialogue" that should be avoided.

"We were inspired by the late Cardinal Bernardin's Common Ground Initiative to keep the lines of communication and wisdom open, but kept running into roadblocks in actual practice of that. So we created this pamphlet that we hope will get placed in every Church foyer. If we are all different parts of the Body of Christ, we must get past the first volleys and into real conversation," said Maria German, a member of St. Irenaeus parish.

The guidelines to entering conversation, according to the pamphlet, revolve around the theological virtues of faith, hope, and love. However, it is the "opening statements to be avoided" that is attracting some attention outside the parish. Examples of the opening statements to be avoided are:

Conservative Openings to Liberals

• Are you orthodox? I mean, really.
• What kind of heretic are you, anyway? Classic heretic or new age wingnut?
• To which degree to you bow before the Blessed Sacrament?
• I'll bet I can beat you at our Church's Catechism Bowl.
• You know, I was reading a little Canon Law yesterday....
• Opus Dei is getting completely persecuted in the media.
• Let's talk liturgical music!

Liberal Openings to Conservatives

• Spit out that slave-trade coffee, you child-labor-loving freak.
• So, just how much do you hate women?
• I really love the blue advent vestments, don't you?
• Let me pull out my up-to-date poverty statistics pie charts to aid our opening prayer.
  
• I'd like to share the seven Catholic Social Teaching principles with you, since you obviously don't know them.
• My Jesuit professor said....
• Let's talk liturgical music!

"People have been enthusiastic," said Ms. German. "Even just recognizing that certain statements are 'hot button' ones has gone a long way. Starting our dialogue with discussing the weather over a donut is a move in the right direction."

The full pamphlets are available through the parish's office.

--I.C.
(Thanks for the idea, hubby!)

Does God Want You To Be Rich?

My first thought seeing this cover was: um, given my life, obviously not.

And then I thought about that inconvenient story regarding "the rich young man":

As he was setting out on a journey, a man ran up, knelt down before him, and asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
Jesus answered him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone.

You know the commandments: 'You shall not kill; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; you shall not defraud; honor your father and your mother.'"

He replied and said to him, "Teacher, all of these I have observed from my youth."

Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, "You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to (the) poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me."

At that statement his face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions. (Mark 10:17-22)

Geez, and they say Catholics don't read the Bible.

Time cover story here.
--I.C.

Requiem Mass Music From 1969 Discovered In Church Basement, Musicologists "Stunned"

Albany, NY: A rare link in the musicology of the post-Vatican II Church in America was found today, languishing under a moldy refrigerator in the basement of St. Veronica's Church in Albany last week.

"Apparently this unsigned requiem Mass, or as it is titled, 'The Mass for those who kicked it,' was composed in honor of a local parishioner who died in 1969, as there is a scrawl on the upper right that says 'for Marie, 1969'. At least we hope so. It could be an informal salutation to the Blessed Mother as well...it's unclear," said Robert Scanlon, current liturgical director and scholar in contemporary musicology for the diocese.

The set of musical pieces, which seem to be based on the words (in English) of Maurice Durufle's Requiem, but the musical sensibilities of Peter, Paul, and Mary, have stunned local liturgists.

"I choose that word--stunned--carefully" said Scanlon. "One person I spoke with was stunned in outrage. Another person was clearly stunned in delight. Another person was stunned in embarrassment...I think he might have been involved in the presentation of this way back then. No one in that church or the diocese is owning up, though. It's a shame, because this will go down as a--um, watershed moment--in 20th century liturgical music."

There are two hallmarks of the composition: first, the unusual instrumentation, which include a bluesy harmonica on the Agnus Dei (or "Lamb of God"), dueling mandolins during the Kyrie Eleison ("Lord, Have Mercy"), and tamborines, finger cymbals, and a cow bell during the In Paradisum. Second, the Mass closes with a rousing a capella eight part harmony of "Blowin' in the Wind", which the composer re-titled "Blowin' in the Spirit".

Although St. Veronica's Church was trying to downplay the discovery, one older woman sidled up to this reporter after Sunday Mass. Requesting anonymity, she whispered:

"Just don't let them bury me with that music. I'd rather die. Of course, I'd be dead already, but trust me, I'll figure out something."

--I.C.

Coming soon: A report on a 1962 Requiem setting that was retired "for making dirges look peppy," argues local musicologist.

Truth Is Stranger #22: I Come Not To Bring Peace, But A Car War

Slow news day in Bavaria, apparently:
Truce In Car War Over Pope's Visit

REGENSBURG, Germany (AFP) - Two of Germany's carmaking giants have reached a truce over the official limousine for Pope Benedict XVI's nostalgic visit to his native Bavaria.

BMW and Audi are both based in Bavaria - BMW in Munich and Audi in Ingolstadt - and both claimed the right to supply the official car for the six-day visit.

With neither company prepared to give way, the Munich Archbishop's office was forced to step in to make the final decision - when in Munich, where the pope landed from Rome on Saturday, he would be driven in a BMW 7-series but during his three-day stay in Regensburg he would use an Audi A8.

"It was important to us that we provided the car he used first on his visit," said a BMW spokesman.

"After all, when the pope is in Munich, he should be driven in a BMW."

Audi said it was satisfied with the compromise.

"At the end of the day, it is all about the visibility of the product," a spokesman said. [Oh really?]

There is however only one popemobile, and it is made by Mercedes, the third of Germany's big three carmakers.

Actually, I think he should have shown up on a donkey just to give these idgits something to think about.
--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #21: The Shoes of the Fisherman are for sale!

And it ain't the movie, folks. I mean, the SHOES are for sale at shoesofthefisherman.com . (They even have boots.)

Advertizing slogan #1:
"The shoes that leave the greatest impression!"

Ad slogan #2:
"How beautiful are the feet of the one who brings good news!" (Romans 10:15)

(Let's be honest. You know you want them.)
--I.C.

9-11: Not a funny or ironic day

If you're reading this today, the fifth anniversary of 9-11, perhaps we could all pray the words together for the healing of our world.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

--I.C.

Pope Benedict XVI: A man who wears many hats

My name is Benedict. I am the Vicar of Christ.

Above source.

I am a humble servant of the Lord.

Above source.

I am a mortal, aware that the flesh burns in the sun. And I feel like a cowboy today.

Above source.

I am a Christian who venerates the Communion of Saints. Especially St. Nicholas.

Above source.

I am a man deeply regretting giving in to the whimsy of these pilgrims. Especially with a camera about.

Above source.

(Who thought, amid the hopes and fears that swirled about this Pope's election, that we'd end up with such a stylin' pontiff?)

9-13 UPDATE: The man just won't stop! See Open Book for the latest on HatWatch.

--I.C.

The EU Celebrates Birth of First European In A Year

Berlin, Germany, January 2, 2020: Gretchen and Karl Nygren made history in Berlin this week. Their baby girl, Katarina, was the first European child of the new year, born at 1:01 am January 1.

She was also the first child born of native citizens in Europe in over a year. Europe's population has declined, but the economy has remained stable thanks to a huge wave of guest worker immigrants and their children.

"I know that my parents and friends kept telling is to wait until we're ready, and to establish ourselves financially, but we just said, we're both 37 years old. It's time," said Gretchen. "It was amazing to us how quickly we became pregnant when we stopped trying to prevent it. It was like, a natural consequence or something."

"We did get a lot of sneers and snippy comments," said Karl. "About one person a day came up to us and said we were destroying the earth's resources. But you know, we're going to try to live lightly on the planet. We decided to just own two cars rather than three, and downgrade to a four bedroom house. That ought to count for something."

"There were lots of double takes, too," said Gretchen. "When I began showing, my co-workers thought I had a tumor and were begging me to see an oncologist. And human resources just looked at me when I asked for a copy of the maternity leave policy. No one had used it in five years."

"There are no day care providers left in Berlin, so Gretchen is taking leave from her job," added Karl. "It will be tight but...well, Katia's too beautiful to give up. I tell you, just looking in her eyes makes us want to have another one."

"Our friends say if that happens, we may as well become Catholic," shrugged Gretchen.

"At least we'd be able to take her to Church and not worrying about people shushing a screaming baby," said Karl.

--I.C.

(See related story: "Europe's Plunging Birth Rate Moves Eastward." Also dotCommonweal's commentary on the article.)

Speaking Of Children's Faith Formation...

Who says fun and biblical genealogy doesn't mix for the younger crowd?


The irony? This could actually teach!

Hat tip to Purgatorio.

--I.C.

The Ongoing Challenge Of Children's Faith Formation

Hee.
Find it here.

(Bulletin Announcement for Adult Faith Formation Classes)

Announcing St. Blaise's Adult Faith Formation: It's Probably For You!

Friend in Christ, have you been slipping from practicing the fullness your Catholic faith? Yes, we know it's uncomfortable to examine your soul regarding these questions. And while you attended Mass--or else you would not be reading this bulletin--that may not be enough.

We want to make it easy to do an examen of conscience. For example, how many of these questions can you answer with a "yes"?

1. Are you reading these words during the Liturgy of the Eucharist to pass the time?
2. If so, is it currently hidden within your open hymnal?
   
3. Did you bring and light one of those "no douse" birthday candles for a special intention before Mass?
4. If so, did you then hum "Happy Birthday" while kneeling before the lit candles?
5. Have you developed an unquenchable thirst for grape juice?
6. If so, do you picture the juice in little shot glasses?
7. If so, have you thought while in line for the Eucharist that this would be more comfy if the ministers just passed this out in the shot glasses down the aisle?
8. When someone sings the Ave Maria, do you begin to daydream of Maria Sharapova (above right)?
9. Have you thought about giving the priest fashion tips for snazzier stoles?
10. When the collection basket rolls around, have you interrogated the 10 year old hospitality helper about how the money is divided each week?

Results:
1-3 "yes" answers: please sign up for Adult Faith Formation this week.
4-6 "yes" answers: please sign up for Adult Faith Formation today.
7-8 "yes" answers: please sign up for Adult Faith Formation immediately following Mass (we suggest the Fall intensive course)
9-10 "yes" answers: although the Catholic Church doesn't do "altar calls," in your case, we may make an exception. And sign up for Adult Faith Formation.

Always remember, God loves you. But you're being a bit of an idiot. Come join the rest of us idiots on Wednesday night. God bless.

--I.C.

Truth is Stranger #20: Evangelicals Confessing Online

The "strange" part? Not that Evangelicals (and everyone else) want at some level to confess sin aloud. But online?

The very public and international forum of the Internet has helped to highlight for many Christians the importance of and the need for confession. In recent years, a number of websites have emerged that provide surfers an outlet to express their wrongdoings and the brokenness in their lives in search of healing and a peaceful spirit.

One such website is mysecret.tv, which is managed by evangelical Christian minister Rev. Craig Groeschel, the founder of LifeChurch. He told the New York Times that the large number of anonymous accounts he reads on his website have affirmed his belief in the need for confession.

LifeChurch set up mysecret.tv as a forum for people to confess anonymously on the Internet about a month ago. Since then, it has received more than 150,000 hits and more than 1,500 confessions.

Full story here (thanks, hubby!). And a hat tip to The Daily Eudemon and Happy Catholic as well.
--I.C.

Theologians Hold Emergency Meeting To Slam Pluto

(It's official: Theologians have confirmed that Pluto is not a planet, left)

Anonopolis, USA: The Catholic Academics of Religious Minutiae Association (CARMA) gathered for an emergency meeting this weekend to reflect upon the International Astronomical Union's recent demotion of "everyone's favorite planet," Pluto. (See related story.)

CARMA president, Julian Woodward of RBCU*, defended the meeting as cross-disciplinary reflection and exploration, noting that "academic theologians didn't want to be slow on the draw, as we were in the Galileo debacle." In his opening address to the meeting, he hammered the gavel, stating "Astronomy has had its say. And now, make way...we bring you Theology, the Queen of the Sciences!"

CARMA released its "Why Pluto Doesn't Count" position paper this morning, which was approved on a 234-57 vote. Those who voted against the position paper had argued that all the planets should be taken into consideration, and Pluto's unfair isolation from a broader cosmology was a certain sign of cosmic xenophobia in a post-colonial paradigm.

The position paper states as follows:

The Catholic Academy of Religious Minutiae Association hereby declares that Pluto Doesn't Count. However, while our academic colleagues, the astronomers, have made this determination based primarily on Pluto's size, we would like to offer our considered theological reflection as to why Pluto was never truly a planet.

• Pluto consists of Ice and Gas, and we mere mortals can whip that up in our kitchen sinks on a winter day. Therefore, to call Pluto a planet, when it can be formed by human hands, is to desecrate the omnipotence of God.
• As creatures of the earth, Pluto is not even close to being our neighbor; therefore we don't have to love it. Or, therefore, call it a planet.
• God created Pluto as good, but then again, God created jellyfish, fire ants, and slugs as good also. Clearly goodness does not make one a planet; therefore, Pluto is not a planet.
  
• Psalm 8:4: "When I see your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and stars that you set in place..." The Word of God does not mention Pluto, or any other planet. Therefore Pluto is not a planet.
  
• Pluto's irregular orbit implies that it is a wayward punk rebel in the field of natural law, intentionally bucking the created order of the solar system and universe. Therefore, Pluto is not a planet.

CARMA plans to follow up this resolution by holding an interdisciplinary conference next month, devoted to Theo-Astro relations and planetary linguistics. The conference, "Pluto: Prodigal Son or Pharisee of the Solar System?", will be open to the public.

--I.C.

*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University, which gets examined from time to time (1,2,3,4) on this website.

BREAKING NEWS!: The minority report of CARMA has filed this video in objection to the Pluto vote. Warning: rather dark. (HT: Mark Shea and Jimmy Akin)

Haiku Found For Religious Bloggers

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

--On NPR's Car Talk, 9-2-06

The "Irony" of Labor Day

"It must be said over and over again that work is for man, not man for work…The worker is always more important than profits and machines." --John Paul II, Talk in Sydney, Australia, November 1986

Wait a minute, this isn't funny.

It is, however, "ironic" in the most profound Christian sense: the statement goes against the apparent reality in our culture.

How many jobs really value the human being in his or her wholeness?

How does our work culture fail in contributing to the culture of life?

Happy Labor Day to all us Americans. Go celebrate the God who is the source of our human dignity. We'll be back to some (hopefully life-giving) ironic amusement tomorrow.

--I.C.
(who is working today, FYI)

p.s. If your picnic is washed out, go read JP II's On Human Work. Or bring it along.

Ironic Evangelicals (and friends): Lark News for September is up!

Check it out here.

At least read the one about how an enterprising church is subsidizing Tivo to keep men in the service this Fall. (hmmmm....)

Saturday Fun: What kind of soul (and pie) are you?

Shockingly, I'm not the "smart aleck" soul.

But when an internet quiz is this dead on, it makes me wonder why I seek spiritual direction. Ouch.

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Then again, this is from the same group that decided that

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth Those who like you give into their impulses

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Conclusion: I'm going to go seek some pie, folks. You try both of these discernment quizes too. Have a good holiday weekend.
--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #19: Got Manna?

Well, almost.


Hat tip to Locusts and Honey.