Truth Is Stranger #75: Fantasize Being Buried Alive To Relieve Stress

File under "Friends don't let friends become Christian ministers with a half-baked sense of Freud and 'psychology baptized'":

BERLIN (Reuters) - A vicar in Germany who had the novel idea of helping parishioners escape the stresses and strains of daily life by letting them lie in an open grave was upset when intrusive journalists spoiled the atmosphere.

"I meant it as a meditative exercise," pastor Thorsten Nolting told Reuters. "I wanted people to think about what weighs on them down in the darkness and gather the energy to resist it."

Nolting, from the western German city of Duesseldorf, said his plan went "horribly wrong" when journalists' persistent questioning as parishioners were "laid to rest" earlier this week ruined the serenity of the occasion....

Sure, media questions ruined the serenity. That and the hollow, strained scream of a man who realized his minister may be a soggy fruit loop.

Full story here.

Caption Contest #45

Found here.

UPDATE! We have a winner:
Larry from (new satire blog!) Acts of the Apostasy:
"Here is the Church, here is the steeple, open the door...say, how come there's no people?"

Friday's Charles Schultz QOTD

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Found here.

Rant Against Mediocrity 4.0: "Gee, you're just like a normal person!"

"Normal" Christian theologians wear pink socks, left.

Rants Against Mediocrity is an occasional series: more found here. Stand back, everyone.

You know what gets my theological goat this month? People coming up to me, commenting on my lived reality as a teacher of Catholic theology, and ending with the inspired revelation "Gee, it's great because you're just so normal!"

1. That's a compliment? Um, I was going for the supernatural "in the world, not of the world," thanks. Do you honestly think that's the ultimate compliment you can give a religious person?: "You know, you're just like the rest of the fallen world. Good for you!" It's true I am a sinner like everyone else, but it isn't something I'm proud of, for cripes sake.

2. Or does "normal" mean...human? a woman? I have brown hair? I laugh at jokes? I need bifocals? I'm interested in good literature and world politics? I mean, what the heck do you think Christians do? Shed our green scaly skin at night and curl in a fetal position while we lull ourselves to sleep humming Gregorian chant?

Now I am not so mean and uncharitable (usually) to recognize that the comment is well-intentioned and should be taken as such. And I try. But what on earth do you all you "I'm spiritual not religious" folks think Christianity is about, anyway? Televangelists behaving badly? Bickering scholars in Newstweak? Christopher Hitchens' regurgitated lunch? Is my average working mom self that much of a challenge to what you consider the essence of lived Christianity?

So some radical thoughts:

1. Go to a Church (while people are in it). Look around. Feel free to stare.
   
2. Go to a Salvation Army center. Volunteer. Look at who else is.
3. Go to a Church-based crisis pregnancy center. Strike up a conversation with the volunteers.
4. Think just a bit about what you consider normal. And what you now consider Christian. Then let's talk.

Oh, and thanks for trying to make me feel included and welcomed by your statement. But see, I don't care all that much whether I am "normal" or not. If you want to honor me with hospitality, try this: "Tell me what you believe. I'm really interested by the way you act." That, my friend, is a compliment.

--I.C.

I heard humor-blogs.com wears pink socks.

Breaking News: Christ Already Redeemed the World

Megapolis, USA: In breaking news, a theologian has discovered that Jesus Christ has already redeemed the world.

The president of CARMA* and RBCU professor Gerald Olzewski admitted, "It just hit me at Easter Vigil. The earth has been saved through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It's done. I don't have to keep writing this stuff, trying to get the Church in line with our cultural quirk du jour. When Jesus said on the cross, 'It is finished,' he meant it."

In a brief email to fellow theologians in CARMA, Olzewski said that he was also stepping down from his post as John McCann Distinguished Professor of Theology at RBCU. "I know I devoted most of my life as a student researching medieval Catalan in order to translate the letters between the Carmelites and a struggling Cathar titled "Pseudo-Esperanto", and most of my teaching career examining the patterns of heresies and orthodoxies in modern pre-verbal societies. But I don't know...I just have this drive to actually talk about God. To that end, I think I need to quit the academy."

Other members of CARMA reacted with shock at the announcement. "Clearly Olzewski is influenced by the post-post-modern trajectory within Western dialogues with the early medieval apophatic movement," said current acting president Lawrence Digardo. "Still, resigning one's academic position is a radical step in tracing new dialectics. This will bear watching."

When phoned for comment, Olzewski's secretary said that he was in the bathroom, shaving his head, and would return calls after an undisclosed period in the Chapel.

--I.C.

*CARMA = Catholic Academics of Religious Minutiae Association

Humor-Blogs.com is its own post-post-modern trajectory.

Caption Contest #44

Found here at The Crescat.

UPDATE! We have winners!

Allen: Bust of Fr. Claude Raines as The Invisible Man--of God

Anonymous: Biretta, Roman, XVII c. Gift of Estate of Joseph Cupertino

"Hell grasped a corpse, and met God."

A re there any who are devout lovers of God?

Let them enjoy this beautiful bright festival!

Are there any who are grateful servants?
Let them rejoice and enter into the joy of their Lord!

Are there any weary from fasting?
Let them now receive their due!

If any have toiled from the first hour,
let them receive their reward.

If any have come after the third hour,
let them with gratitude join in the feast!

Those who arrived after the sixth hour,
let them not doubt; for they shall not be short-changed.

Those who have tarried until the ninth hour,
let them not hesitate; but let them come too.

And those who arrived only at the eleventh hour,
let them not be afraid by reason of their delay.

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first.
The Lord gives rest to those who come at the eleventh hour,
even as to those who toiled from the beginning.

To one and all the Lord gives generously.
The Lord accepts the offering of every work.
The Lord honours every deed and commends their intention.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord!

First and last alike, receive your reward.
Rich and poor, rejoice together!

Conscientious and lazy, celebrate the day!
You who have kept the fast, and you who have not,
rejoice, this day, for the table is bountifully spread!

Feast royally, for the calf is fatted.
Let no one go away hungry.
Partake, all, of the banquet of faith.
Enjoy the bounty of the Lord's goodness!

Let no one grieve being poor,
for the universal reign has been revealed.

Let no one lament persistent failings,
for forgiveness has risen from the grave.

Let no one fear death,
for the death of our Saviour has set us free.

The Lord has destroyed death by enduring it.
The Lord vanquished hell when he descended into it.
The Lord put hell in turmoil even as it tasted of his flesh.

Isaiah foretold this when he said,
"You, O Hell, were placed in turmoil when he encountering you below."

Hell was in turmoil having been eclipsed.
Hell was in turmoil having been mocked.
Hell was in turmoil having been destroyed.
Hell was in turmoil having been abolished.
Hell was in turmoil having been made captive.

Hell grasped a corpse, and met God.
Hell seized earth, and encountered heaven.
Hell took what it saw, and was overcome by what it could not see.

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?

Christ is risen, and you are cast down!
Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen!
Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is risen, and life is set free!
Christ is risen, and the tomb is emptied of its dead.

For Christ, having risen from the dead,
is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Christ be glory and power forever and ever. Amen!

--The Easter Homily of St. John Chrysostym

Happy Easter to all. Please join me in a prayer of thanksgiving for my friend Hien, who was baptized (and received Eucharist, and was confirmed) tonight. God is good.

Picture source.

New banner

...nothing "ironic" about the Resurrection. Eyebrows full up!

Thanks again to Ryan at Sonitus Sanctus aka "Catholic Audio" (all the free Catholic content MP3s you can want) for creating this banner--offering his talents to further the cause!

Jesus, Remember Me

Good Friday picture stream.

If you want to listen to the Gospel of John passion narrative in Gregorian chant, you can do so here, thanks to Paraclete Press. 30 Minutes.

Thanks and Congrats

Thanks for the votes, y'all! The CBA tallies have been posted, and yours truly came in fifth for Funniest Blog (plus a decent showing in Smartest and Best Individual, which I thought was a real stretch...). Many congrats to Jeff at The Curt Jester, who won it handily.

This was an odd contest this year, I think. Granted, whoever I vote for never wins in American politics either, but I was a little shocked that Whispers in the Loggia came in SECOND for Best Insider Blog. Holy cow people, I think Rocco has personally wiretapped half the Vatican--and if that doesn't deserve King of Insider status, I don't know what does! Go over there right now and give that man a PayPal tip!

Anyhoo. Back to Holy Week!

(BTW, sic came through surgery OK, although not without funky complications. He's going to be fine, and hopefully crafting a funny piece out of the experience.)
--I.C.

A Colbert Classic: The King of Glory

My favorite Colbert video, and a (formerly? please God? we'll find out tomorrow...) popular Palm Sunday entrance song.

Friday's Charles Schultz QOTD

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"

--Charles Schultz (creator of Peanuts)

Found here.

Truth Is Stranger #74: I Accept Jesus As My Savior For Gas Coupons

XENIA, Ohio - With Easter approaching, a church in western Ohio plans to help people fill up and also hopes to help fill their spiritual needs.

This Saturday, Pastor Wesley Miller and his Xenia Christian Center will pay 25 cents of the price of every gallon of gas purchased at a local United Dairy Farmers convenience store.

Miller says by offering the deal, his church can promote its Easter services planned for the following weekend while helping those squeezed by the high cost of gasoline.

It's not exactly "the new evangelization," is it?

Full story here.

The Ironic Catholic Pulls Out "The Woman Card"

Alas, it could not last. The "negative ads" for Catholic Blog Awards 2008 Funniest Blog have begun.* Paul from Alive and Young has been doing a saturation campaign, playing into the politics of fear: insinuating that a vote for me is a vote for one who would "destroy the world, pillage America, beat homeless people with bats, won't recycle, run around naked singing the theme song from Scooby Doo, and eat your babies." And Jeff from the Curt Jester came out swinging against half the blogosphere, saying my blog gives him the existential willies.

I, in the meantime, have been mute. Granted, I've been consumptive this week, but my fingers still work, and have not touched the blogger board. But the truth is painful, and it is time to share why I have curbed my free speech rights.

See, humility comes naturally to women. Our inner beauty and dignity resists being dragged through the mud of vice and innuendo. We foster the gentle light fired by our Lord in our souls through blogs of humble virtue. Whereas men, tempted sadly to pride and bombast, take that light, pour the gasoline of sin on it, and it becomes a hellfire that firebombs everyone within 100 hyperlinks.

Your choice in voting, friends, is a simple one: encouraging firebombs from hell or rewarding gentle light that makes you smile.

As Helen Reddy should have said--and Sarai did say-- "I am woman; hear me laugh."

Vote as your conscience dictates, that is, for woman and for virtue: The Ironic Catholic. To do otherwise would be like voting against Mary the Mother of God. Thank you.

--I.C.

*Those of you not in the know--these are jokes. See, it's a humor blog. Carry on.

("I am Humor-Blogs.com; hear me roar.")

Happy Blogoversary and snatched from The Hand of Death to me!

Picture source.

It's my second birthday of the blog, moving into the third (!) year of inane silliness and gentle satire.

It's also a day away from the second anniversary of the day I got hit crossing the street by a rogue garbage truck, and walked away to tell the tale.

As I said before: not sure there is a cause and effect there. But I am grateful to God's goodness, always.

Right now, my nasty mystery illness (surely due to my parish skipping St. Blaise observances) has developed into something else miserable and making me feel like I am on the rack when I cough (which is pretty constant), so I am going to the doctor and hoping for serious drugs to celebrate said anniversaries. Party on, folks... save me some cake.

A Little Classier Than "Honk If You Love Jesus"...

Posted with permission from the photographer, Sally Lindsay. See it here.

Woodsy Owl: Modern Prophet

...'cause it's a SIN!
Thus saith the Lord, The God of Israel: Lo, you throw the litter out your sulfurous car, and you will be cast out of the land of the clean, choosing death, not life! The sin of the wicked renders all unclean of spirit and environment. Heed my words, O Israel!

Ok, Woodsy isn't so well known for the second part of the message, but The Vatican has us up to date:

Vatican Official Names "New" Sins, Including Pollution....

--I.C.

(In the city or in the woods, help keep Humor-Blogs.com looking good. Hoot hoot!)

Lenten Deep Thoughts: The Sore Throat Apologetic

(An occasional Jack Handey-ish series.)

I was trying to swallow and squeeze back tears in Mass today, as my throat felt like someone turned it inside out and scraped it with sandpaper. Then the perfect apologetic for the fullness of Catholicism floated before my tear-filled eyes, a vision of clarity and truth. The reason I am fighting some virulent cousin of strep is because our parish didn't celebrate St. Blaise's feast day--on a Sunday this year--with the blessing of the throats. Thus says the Lord, so it is revealed the reason our Protestant brothers and sisters hack their way through March*: they don't intercede to St. Blaise, blessed patron of throats; therefore, they may be saved through baptism but endure a fiery living death of the sore throat every Spring. Those viruses KNOW things; indeed, being without free will, they cannot lie. Therefore, Catholicism contains the fullness of the faith. It was abiding comfort to my soul, as I waited for the sacred moment to pop a lozenge after Communion.

--I.C.

*Ok, can you prove they don't? Has anyone asked? Thought not. For all we know, Luther made the big break and sore throats in Germany rose by 200%. Insight is all about asking the unusual questions, folks.

(Humor-Blogs.com sometimes causes me to squeeze back tears too.)

The Saturday Meme

This rather cool one is called The Parable Meme, and I was tagged by 50 Days Later.

Here we go:

1. You name your five favorite parables
2. You tag one blogger per parable.
3. It would be nice if you linked back to this post.

I love the parables that focus on mercy and totally giving oneself to God. I mean, they're ALL good, but...

1. Selling all you have for the pearl of great price
2. The Pharisee and the Publican
3. The 11th hour workers in the Vineyard
4. The Prodigal Son
5. The rich man and the beggar Lazarus (which I find hard to call a "favorite," but it challenges me more than any other)

I tag anyone who wants to play--let me know in the comments and I'll give you the link.

(I'd love to do this meme with healing stories from the Gospels...maybe after Easter!)

Baby Augustine Gear: "Where Holiness Begins"

Very funny parody by The Curt Jester on the Baby Einstein gear for the Catholic parents with newborn: Baby Augustine gear! The chant CD! The Baby Bible! The teething "key rattle" that binds and looses!

I think this may be Jeff's funniest parody ever. Perhaps because I love Augustine, hate Baby Einstein, and have a 2 yr old....

Go see.

--I.C.

Friday's Kierkegaard QOTD

“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.”

--S. Kierkegaard

Vote! No, Not in Texas or Ohio--The Catholic Blog Awards!

(...Although you have to wonder what a Catholic Blogger caucus would look like....)

Well, thank you, mysterious readers! Some person (people?) nominated me for some of the 2008 Catholic Blog Awards:

Funniest Catholic Blog (Oh, thank goodness. Someone laughed besides me.)
Best Individual Catholic Blog (thanks, Mom!)
Smartest Catholic Blog (thanks, Dad!)

If any of you want to actually vote for me (blush) in any of those categories, go visit the CBA website. It's free, easy, and not fraught with the moral quandries and consequences that characterize the American electoral process (picture right, thanks to The Deacon's Bench). Voting is open until March 17. I encourage people to look at some of the nominated blogs--especially the new ones--and then vote. There is some great material out there: so take a few weeks! Give it a read!

(voice drops one octave)

My name is The Ironic Catholic, and I approve of this message.

*****
p.s. We have midterms this week, so I may not be posting until grades are due--late Thursday. Have a good week....

RBCU Professor Interviewed On "Care for God's Creation"

Prof. Ramon Tulio, RBCU professor of Catholic Social Teaching and a man of marked fortitude and patience, has returned upon request to The Ironic Catholic offices for an exclusive interview on a prime teaching within the Catholic Social Teaching tradition: Care for God's Creation.

(Previous interviews with Prof. Tulio can be found on The Preferential Option for the Poor and Solidarity as well.)

IC: Good morning, Prof. Tulio. Welcome back to The Ironic Catholic!

(He offers weak smile, nods.)

I'm curious to hear more about this "Care for God's Creation" idea.

RT: This is a good thing, because as a teaching it tends to be less emphasized.

IC: Well, I think I know why.

RT: (twitches slightly) Um, yes?

IC: I have to question whether God's creation is worth caring about. I mean, I'm in Minnesota here, we're having our 27th blizzard of the season, and frankly, I want to focus on the spiritual side of things. All this snow is good for is frostbite. And jellyfish. I defy someone to tell me why I should care for jellyfish.

RT: Creation is good because it comes from God. It's called a mutable good.

IC: Huh? I can turn down the volume? It's just cold snow, not loud snow.

RT: Mutable, not mute-able. Created. Changeable. Has a beginning and end. Not God, but created good.

IC: See, that's why I want to focus on the spiritual stuff. No end. Awesomely good. No frostbite involved.

RT: Care for God's Creation doesn't say that one shouldn't focus on the spiritual. It simply reminds us that we were called at our own creation for responsibility over creation, a stewardship. That we should love and respect what God has created. Indeed, you could call it a human vocation. If we don't heed God's call to responsibility for others and the world, we tend to fall into childish selfishness. You want spiritual?...that's spiritually horrendous.

IC: Hmmm. OK, so why do you think that care for God's creation is less emphasized than other Catholic Social Teaching doctrines?

RT: People say--and it's true--that the life and dignity of the human being roots Catholic Social Teaching. But they don't see how part of our dignity, and quality of life, comes from the call to care rightly for God's creation.

IC: But I just want to avoid frostbite.

RT: Maybe you should stop throwing snowballs at your kids with your bare hands.

IC: --and getting bit by jellyfish. I don't know what the heck God was thinking when He created those things.

RT: Ironic Catholic, have you ever thought that this actually isn't about you? And that the teaching on the call to care for God's creation helps make that point?

IC: But Jesus loves me!

RT: ...and created you to love God and neighbor.

IC: Geez, I never knew you were one of those university radicals, Professor! Always food for thought, though. I'll consider this reciprocal love thing. See you next time!

RT: (leaves muttering prayers to St. Jude)

--I.C.

(St. Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes, has a passing acquaintance with Humor-Blogs.com.)

Another Argument For Naming Churches After Patrons and Saints

Oh dear....

Source.