Top Eleven Ironic Catholic Discoveries of 2006

Ok, granted, I've only been doing this since March. And I have a list of personal favorite "fake news" posts on the sidebar. But since everyone else is doing it, and we mostly cave to convention*...here we have the Top Ironic Catholic Discoveries (i.e. some of the best true stories, links, pictures, anything I did NOT write) of 2006. In no particular order, realizing I probably missed all the truly hilarious stuff, I present our humble list. Drum roll please....

1. It's sacred oil! Or chapstick! Really, whichever you want!
2. Dance, Catholic, Dance
3. Beware false Papal organists! They will come like a thief in the night!
4. The Sistine Chapel is recreated through spray paint in...Iowa....
5. Insurance won't cover Second Coming incidentals
6. Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder
   
7. Hmmm...my kind of advent calendar
8. A Theological Engineering exam
9. "10 Things I Hate About the Ten Commandments" (note warning and disclaimer: this video is NOT rated G)
10. Crummy Church Signs, a sampling of roadside crumminess
11. "The De-Deification of the American Landscape"

* note we have 11 instead of 10! Hah! We're different!

Have an ironic 2007!

--I.C.

10 Favorite Things That Start With "I"

From a challenge at Coming To The Quiet.

10. Irony (see sidebar)
9. Iambic pentameter (Just not enough of it, I say. Wouldn't the world be more fun if everyone spoke like a Shakepearean play?)
8. Ibuprofen (Been living on it the last few days--strep throat)
7. Ideas (I'm a systematic theologian--I eat ideas for breakfast, lunch, dinner....)
6. Idealism (Not nearly enough of that around either)
5. Idiot, The. (The Dostoyesky novel, that is. Haven't read it yet, but any book with the line "Beauty will save the world" has to be a winner.)
4. I and Thou. (A groundbreaking theological treatise from Jewish theologian and philosopher Martin Buber.)
3. Immaculate Heart of Mary, The. (OK, I can't say I have a devotion per se, but my former parish before we moved--which I loved--was named and devoted to the Immaculate Heart)
2. Illumination. (Revelation 22:5: sometimes translated "They will be illuminated, for God will be their light.")
1. Imminence of God, The. (Especially seen at Christmastide, in a tiny, needful baby)

Bonus: Book of Isaiah.

I'm out of town a couple of days. Happy Twelve Days of Christmas and see you Friday!
--I.C.

Happy Christmas Season To You!

Merry Christmas to all! Christ is born!

(And in case you're wondering, I had chocolate pudding for breakfast.)

I believe the Sirius #159 radio interview is still on for today, if people are interested.
UPDATE: Hey, that was fun. I encourage you to check out Lino Rulli's show, "The Catholic Guy," and the rest of that channel, not because I was on it, but because he seems like a very faithful guy with a sense of humor. Drop Sirius a line and tell him to offer that channel (159) through the internet...I bet that would make it easier for everyone, including me, to listen!)

--I.C.

One Last Advent Post

Our pastor read this outstanding piece from St. John of the Cross this morning. (Sorry, I can't find a link to the text online. Photo: source.)

If you want,
the Virgin will come walking down the road
pregnant with the holy,
and say,

“I need shelter for the night,
please take me inside your heart,
my time is so close.”

Then under the roof of your soul,
you will witness the sublime
intimacy, the divine, the Christ
taking birth forever,

as she grasps your hand for help, for each of us
is the midwife of God, each of us.

Yes there, under the dome of your being does creation
come into existence eternally, through your womb,
dear pilgrim – the sacred womb of your soul,

as God grasps our arms for help; for each of us is
His beloved servant never far.

If you want, the Virgin will come walking
down the street pregnant with Light and
sing .…

*************************************
I wish all of you a beautiful Christmas. I'll see you midweek.

--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #29: Church Decides To Do Nativity Play With The Beach Boys

PLUS

=

?!?!?!?!?

I didn't know whether to file this under "Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction" or "Evidence the Apocalypse Approacheth."

...Christ's mother Mary is transformed into a "surfer chick" singing "God Only Knows" in the yuletide spectacular put on by St Stephen's church in Tonbridge, southeast of London.

"We were fed up with twee nativity plays ... They are nice but they can just be a bit dull," said youth pastor Jim Prestwood, explaining the thinking behind the show. "It made it a bit more realistic, a bit more attractive to people." (italics added)

Oh, God bless you aging baby boomers, every one.

Story here.

Proof I Exist Redux: Radio Interview

If anyone is interested, as you tinker with the new satellite radios you got for Christmas, I am supposed to be on Lino Rulli's show "The Catholic Guy", Sirius Satellite Channel #159, on December 26th. I'm scheduled to be on around 5pm eastern time. We had lots of fun with it last time. See you there...?

More info on the channel: The Catholic Channel

Caption Contest #9

Caption away in the midrash box.

UPDATE! We have winners! Both from Jeff:
Cleanliness is next to godliness, but this is ridiculous.

Jesus said, "Be clean."

St. Thomas Aquinas on the Existence of the Jolly Red One

From Fumare:

From the lesser-known Summa Contra Scroogicum...

Whether Santa Claus Exists?

We proceed thus to the Third Article: -

Objection 1: It seems that Santa Claus does not exist, since Christmas gifts are able to be given by good elves. Therefore Santa Claus does not exist.

Objection 2: Further, if Santa Claus did exist, there would be no narrow chimneys. But there are narrow chimneys, and sometimes no chimneys at all. Therefore, Santa Claus does not exist.

On the Contrary, Kay Starr says: "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night."

I answer that, The existence of Santa Claus can be proved in five ways....

Go to the entire theological treatise here.

p.s. almost done with grading...I see the light...it's so beautiful....

Kids Say The Darndest Things About Christmas

The greatest theologians begin as confused young kids.

Cast:
Caribbean Boy: 6 yr old chic (child of the IC)
Gummi Bear Girl: 4 yr old chic
Bookie Girl: 1 1/2 yr old chic

p.s. Sic did the video in November, hence the "as advent draws near" opening line....

Be A Penitant With Me! Week Three

"Devil's Food Cake" indeed.

How are we doing out there? Learning anything about your relationship with God? Human weakness and failing? Dependance on providence? Attachment to worldly things?

Or just annoyed?

Support group in the comments box. This all started here.

One week until Christmas Day, alleluia!

Counterpoint: A Biblical Case for Gift Wrapping

COUNTERPOINT, by the Ironic Catholic:

It has been said that a critical reading of Matthew argues that the Magi, being "wise men," did not wrap the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh given to the Christ child; ergo, Christmas givers should not wrap their gifts as well. A historical-critical interpretation of the text, as licensed by Dei Verbum, yields an important counterpoint: there was no wrapping paper in 1st century Palestine. The precious nature of papyrus did not lend itself to one-time use. Let's face it, people weren't pounding reeds on rocks, painfully extracting the fibers, and drying them into paper to wrap anything.

However, the practice of wrapping gifts is evidenced in other sections of the Bible. For example, in Genesis 43, the gifts of silver, honey, spices, and myrhh that Joseph's brothers brought to him in Egypt were wrapped in sacks. In Genesis 24:53, "Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah", the text clearly implies that the gifts came out of a container, perhaps, a gift box, by the verb "brought out."

Finally, we can agree that the greatest gift the world has known is Jesus Christ. And what did the Blessed Mother do? "She wrapped him in swaddling clothes...."

If Jesus was wrapped, so should we wrap our Christmas gifts, because...

1. The Blessed Mother was wise.
2. She was a woman.

--I.C.

Roadside Evangelism

Look closely.

Source.

Christmas meme

Ray from Stella Borealis tagged me with this quite a while ago (sorry, Ray!). My mildly ironic answers follow.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? After putting together some toy with 300+ pieces and instructions in broken English, red wine. A bottle.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Oh, he wraps, because he follows the Biblical mandate. See my next post.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Sic likes colored lights. I like white. Because it is advent, we actually have blue lights on a Jesse tree right now. (Yes, we're adventistas.)

4. Do you hang mistletoe? (Sighing delightedly) When you have a love like mine, you don't need mistletoe. I just need to throw off this dang miserable cold.

5. When do you put your decorations up? It depends. We're decorating the tree on Christmas Eve this year, but usually we decorate for Christmas earlier than that. A few years ago we couldn't afford a tree, so we got a free one on the 26th. I think all the needles dropped by the 27th.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Mashed potatoes.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Hearing on TV that Santa was seen flying over Central America and it was time for kids to get to bed NOW. I lived in Panama at the time.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? 2nd grade classroom. I think that teacher must have had tenure.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? No.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Spray paint, spackling, and silly string.

No, ornaments from years past, how else?

11. Snow? Love it or Dread it? Mostly dread it, because I hate driving in it and shoveling it. Yes, I live in Minnesota.

12. Can you ice skate? Alas, no.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Let's see...a doll whose hair grew out when you pulled a string in the back. It was a lot more exciting to me than that sounds.

14. What's the most exciting thing about the Holidays for you? Celebrating the Incarnation though Church, teaching the kids, etc. Watching my kids enjoy the festivities is second.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Hmmm. French Silk Pie. I also make an orange-pecan pound cake that can transport one to higher levels of culinary reality, while it clogs your arteries.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? I guess the tree. We like singing Christmas carols while I play a guitar.

17. What tops your tree? The year's handmade angel or star, thanks to the kiddies.

18. Which do you prefer - giving or receiving? Depends on the gift, doesn't it?

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Hark the Herald Angels Sing.

20. Candy Canes? Bleah. Red and white shrink wrapped sticks of death.

I tag... anyone who wants to play along on this one.

Biblical Exegesis Uncovers God Is Against Gift-Wrapping

(Hat tip to Locusts and Honey, originally at Gazizza, originally from humorist Dave Barry.)

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

And there's more at the original site.

Methinks this calls for an ironic female counterpoint...yo ha ha ha ha ha...see above.

--I.C.

A Timely Re-run: Grades are "the new idolatry"

I'm giving exams and grading papers today. This post from the Spring is for all the students out there.

Excerpt:

IC: Would you explain what you mean by "grades are 'the new idolatry'"?

JD: Sure. It's a takeoff on the Church's "the new evangelization," but it's a slam. We look at the stress around campus as people write research projects, study for finals, do senior presentations--it indicates that we do not first and foremost trust in God. We make getting the A an idol. So in faithfulness to God, we're campaigning for a university without grades.

IC: Ok, and the "Culture of Death" connection...?

JD: We did a quick survey, and not one person in the campus plaza found receiving grades life-giving. Well, OK, one did, but she is on track to be our valedictorian. Most people were quick to agree that grades are the work of the devil. For the good of all, they must be abolished.

...

Happy studying to all the students out there.

Intercepted From the Circular File at the Vatican: Ponderous Questions (a new series)

Retrieved from the wastebasket of mail addressed to "Whoever Cares, Somewhere around St. Peter's, Vatican City". --I.C.

To Whom It May Concern,
Why isn't the feast of St. John of the Cross, Doctor of the Church and writer of The Dark Night, on the darkest night of the year (December 21) instead of today, December 14? Hmmm? Who messed that one up? To whom do we register a complaint? Frankly, I expect more attention to devotional detail from a quality organization such as yourselves.

Another problem: the southern hemisphere is flat out of luck, isn't it. Long days of warmth and sunshine and we're supposedly observing the purgation that comes with the felt absence of God. Yeah, that's incentive. Better weather for celebrating someone like St. Francis, don't you think?

And celebrating this feast in Antartica on December 14 is just one cruel joke. Sun 24-7. He didn't call it the bright night, kids.

I'm considering reporting this incongruity to the Better Business Bureau.

Have a nice day!

Last Day of Classes, Papers, Exams: ergo, Substitute Humor

Just consider me the humorist's John the Baptist, pointing the way to greater humor in the blogosphere today. I am not worthy to untie their mouse cords.

(And ... my message is also Repent!)

(And and and ... I eat honey sometimes!)

Ok, here they are. Enjoy:

Announcing The Liturgical Police, aka the New Men in Black (Alive and Young)

A Parable For Our Times in a ten second video (Korrektiv)

"I'm making a list and checking it twice too -- God" and other wincables (Crummy Church Signs)

"Let's hope that living water isn't $4.50 a cup" (T-Shirt Tuesday at Kinda Kitschy)

NEW! When Church Signs Talk: not into the Novus Ordo debates much, but this is hysterical (Kansas City Catholic)

--I.C.

Should Have Checked That Sign Before It Went To The Printer....

Smokin'!

[photo: AP Photo/Pier Paolo Cito]

I've seen this a number of spots now--I think first at American Papist--but it is too good not to include here.

Caption Winner from Jeff (although it's more like a skit):

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble..

Huh?

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the caldron boil and bake…

What the…

Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog…

What the heck is with this lectionary??

OK, who’s the wise guy!?!

Possible Proof That I Exist: Radio Interview

(I post, therefore I am? I'm on the radio, therefore I am?...with apologies to Descartes....)

Folks, last I heard, I am getting interviewed by Lino Rulli "The Catholic Guy" on the Catholic Channel of Sirius Satellite Radio on humor and the Catholic life (Huh. We don't do any of that here, do we?). This is supposed to happen around 5pm eastern time, Tuesday December 12th. If you're interested in listening in and not a subscriber, you can get a three day free trial if you have a satellite radio. (Sorry, listening through your computer doesn't work.) If you subscribe, it appears that Lino is working his way around the blogosphere...so you could hear other "real voices" behind the posts as well!

(I know, I know. You'll listen in and say "uh...well, I really thought she would be taller." )

Beyond that, I am in the final week of classes and finals, plus fighting some illness, so posting will be lighter than normal. I'll try to get sic on the job.

UPDATE: Yep, it's actually happening. Maybe I'll "see" some of you at 5pm eastern time!

Peace, I.C.

Be a Penitant with Me! Week 2

My enemy.

(Support group in the comments box.)

The Irony of Beauty

("Advent sunrise." This is part of a series on Flickr.)

Is it perhaps ironic that, in the darkest time of year, we experience the most spectacular sunrise?

(In the darkest place of our lives? In the darkest moment of the world?)

I hope you celebrate the Feast of the Immaculate Conception in a way that acknowledges the sometimes unexpected beauty of God's work.

"America's Next Top Christian" Cut For Lack of Whining Self-Centerness

Hollywood, CA: A pilot for a spinoff reality show, America's Next Top Christian, appears to be on the cutting room floor of ABC.

"It was a promising idea--get some aspiring Christians together and have them live together, then judge them on how they do on one big common project--but it really backfired," explained executive producer Syrah Tanks. "We didn't realize that there would be a general lack of whinyness and self-interest with this group. That doesn't play in Peoria."

Tom Alabaster, who directed the pilot, elaborated on the show's troubled history. "First, there were no witchy catfights. Second, no one wanted to compete, they kept saying claptrap like 'How can we support each other in this journey?' Third, praying in secret, which they did A LOT, isn't exactly eye-catching television. Finally, the first project we had them do was utter chaos. We told them they had to go wash others' feet. They began washing each other's feet but balked at letting other people wash theirs. So they went out, offering to wash feet, and it began to catch on all over town. That was the last straw. It was so freakin' humble that we knew our advertizers would balk. So...it's out."

The contestants, unperturbed, left the "house set" upon hearing the announcement and immediately joined the Salvation Army bell-ringers. "It was an odd experiment," admitted contestant Joel Whitford, 21. "But hey, God's grace is the most awesome prize anyway. I wish the producers well. God bless you!"

"Hopeless," muttered Alabaster.

--I.C.

Well, It's One Kind Of Advent Calendar

And it is copyrighted. So check it out here.

(Anyway, it's not chocolate....)

Be A Penitant With Me! Week One

In light of thinking about the last post...

I'm giving up chocolate for Advent. Really. And no carob, either.

Who is with me?
(Feel free to spread the word!)

A Lonely Catholic,
I.C.

UPDATE: Great post on the debated issue, "Is Advent Penitential?" at Roman Sacristan.

Local Priest Pelted With Christmas Cookies For Suggesting Fasting During Advent

Sacramento, CA: Well, bah humbug.

Fr. John Romano was pelted by festive parishioners for suggesting in an Advent retreat that penance is the reason for this season...that is, the Advent season.

"He mentioned that our Orthodox brothers and sisters practice this season called 'Christmas Lent' and suggested adding fasting to our Advent practices. Fasting! I mean, my office table has 10 different varieties of Christmas cookies on it, and it's only the first week of December! Has the man completely lost it?" sputtered retreatant Carrie Majors.

"As a visible recognition of the value of our Orthodox brethren--which Pope Benedict XVI highlighted in his recent trip to Turkey--perhaps we can humbly ackowledge that they have practices from which we can learn. Besides, Advent is a penitential season in the Catholic Church. We drape the church in purple, and we just had all these scriptures about the end of the world: the next step on the ladder is judgment. If you mean it when you pray Maranatha--'Come, Lord Jesus'--you will want to assess and get your life in order," suggested Fr. Romano.

According to observers, two retreatants took gingerbread men and pelted them in disgust at Fr. Romano. He smiled and suggested that "disappointment can be turned into longing for God rather than sweets." A child, approximately three years old, then threw a Snickerdoodle at him.

"Ecumenical dialogue requires sacrifices for us all," intoned a crumb-covered Fr. Romano.

The child's mother, who wished not to be named, said she was going to have "a serious talking to" with her toddler son. She added, "I think Fr. Romano has a good point. I'm not sure what the heck to do with our chocolate advent calendars, though."

--I.C.

Truth Is Stranger #28: Swedes Desperately Try to Preserve the Christmas Goat

I think the 23 1/2 hours of darkness are getting to the Swedes.

Swedes attempt to protect huge straw Christmas goat from getting burned by vandals for the past 22 years.

The company providing the fireproof treatment is so sure of its resilience that its spokesman Freddy Klassmo told newspaper Aftonbladet that "not even napalm can set fire to the goat now." (...Readying napalm, quietude, waiting for the Prince of Peace...just seems to flow together, doesn't it.)

For those who want to follow its fate, a 24-hour Web cam has been set up to film the straw goat where it stands on the central square in Gavle, 90 miles north of Stockholm. (Thank goodness, I was having problems sleeping last night over this.) However, the security guards that have watched over previous versions have been called off, Ostman said.

"We can sleep very soundly at night now," she said. "The goat can too." (Uh, dude, it's a straw goat.)

...The 2005 vandals — who witnesses said were dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man — remain at large. The pair fired flaming arrows at the goat, reducing it to its steel skeleton. (Well! Glory to God in the Highest, and on earth, peace to you too!)

--I.C.

The Friday Funnies

(p.s. The tenure portfolio is in. Ahhhhhh.)

Have a good beginning of Advent weekend!
--I.C.